Harmonica to Running Gear

It was ten years ago this Christmas that I sat in this very house in Colorado Springs with my then boyfriend opening the most thoughtful gift I'd ever received. He had paid attention during our time of courting to a passion of mine: the harmonica. I had always loved hearing the harmonica and thought I'd be pretty good at it if I tried my mouth and hands at it. I was baffled that a guy could be such a great gift-giver.



Fast forward ten years and he still has it. He has paid attention to my desire to be able to run during these cold months. I wanted great gear to be able do just that. I love the fresh air of winter and can't stand to be out in it improperly fitted. I opened an excellent pair of REI running pants, smartwool running socks and (from my in-laws,) a Nike dry-fit hoodie (with the smartest built in finger warmers ever!)

So, on this Christmas Day morning, I put my mountain trail running shoes on and took of on the trails of my in-laws golf course. It was perfect. I survived the cold and the altitude and paced myself and enjoyed the view of the mountains and the geese and the snow covered trail beneath my feet.

If you read my last post, you'd know that my prayer was to experience the Prince of Peace. I believe that I have experienced the Peace of our King this Christmas. It is not the stuff or the people that give the stuff that I find my Peace. It was on this run that I felt His PEACE the passes every one's understanding. It was there that I quietly praised Him and now proclaim His goodness!

My husband, the great gift-giver gave me a platform to find such things and for that, my heart is happy on this Christmas Day!!!

Thoughts

I think out many posts that I'd like to write. They are usually evaluating how I'm handling the things that I'm dealing with in my life. They obviously don't make it here. I used to be so good at that. Now, I get frustrated that they haven't made it here.

As I scurry around trying to pack four of us up for our trip to CO (yes, I make my husband at least pack his own bag), I had the desire to unload weeks worth of thoughts onto my blog. Of course now I sit looking at a blinking cursor begging me to begin. The problem is that I don't know where to begin and I'm quite scared to unload because I lack a filter that most people have. This blank page is dangerous territory for me.

Father, I take comfort in the fact that You know where I am and what this past week has been like for me. I beg for You to help me grab a hold of the Peace that you offer right here in the midst of my hardship. Before I hit the road, wash me in Your Presence.

That is simply all I can offer right now!!!!

Little Drummer Boy...

...at my church!!!!

My crying laugh!!!

I laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes. Before I knew it- it was a full sob that was all triggered from laughter. This is like the 2nd time in a month. It makes me wonder if my hormones are out of whack or something??? I love to laugh until I cry, but laugh into a sob? I'm just wondering if something is wrong with me. It felt good, nonetheless.
Here's one little picture for now :)

Twilight

As I read Twilight, I felt the strongest desire to be dazzled by something. By definition, I want to be "bewildered by spectacular display"!!!!

daz·zle (dzl)
v. daz·zled,
1. To dim the vision of, especially to blind with intense light.
2. To amaze, overwhelm, or bewilder with spectacular display: a figure skater who dazzled the audience with virtuosic jumps.
v.intr.
1. To become blinded.
2. To inspire admiration or wonder.

As I read this definition, I realize that I don't want to be blinded. Or do I? Am I longing for something so intense and powerful that it would leave it's mark? Still reading "Crazy Love" I am concluding that if we did truly know God and know Him well, we would be more dazzled.

God, take my desires to be dazzled and satisfy them with Yourself! Oh, how far I wonder when I glance away from you!

Birthday Wisdom

I was asked to write out something to a dear friend who is turning sixteen! Here is what the Lord gave to me:

Happy Birthday!

Life experience is where we learn most things. However, I once heard that we simply don’t have enough of our own bones to break in our body to learn everything we need to learn. So we can learn from other people’s broken bones. I’ll break my arm doing a cartwheel and tell you how not to do that. You can break your nose running into a wall and you can tell me about that experience. I think you get the idea, but just in case you don’t then let me try to be very specific.

If someone tells you not to do drugs, just ask them why. Maybe they have a broken bone story they can tell you so that you can avoid that personal pain for yourself. I could tell you that it is so worth it so save even your kisses for your husband only. You could ask me about it.

So, dear one, my nutshell version of wisdom to pass on to you is: between the Word of God and life experiences (yours or others) you will have all that you need to become a wise woman yourself. I am praying that as you enter this new age and stage of your life, you will continually seek the Lord in ALL you do. May your only desire be to honor and glorify your Maker!

I am so glad that you were born ☺

My Hate List

Hate is a very strong word. So strong that I just don't even allow my children to use it yet. But, as I've been holding in comments about things I hate, I have come to realize there are a few things that I H-A-T-E!
I HATE:
being too hot or too cold
the sound of a tea kettle whistling
obnoxious Oklahoma wind
Lies
cleaning up throw up
whining

But as to not leave this particular, hateful post in a negative tone. I absolutely LOVE my husband and the role he plays in my life. He is such a great supporter of me when I'm too hot or too cold. He's quick to take the kettle off the burner. He is honest with me. He actually helps cleaning up throw-up. And he deals with the whining as much as I do. I am not alone in this and I am blessed to have this companion. I feel guilt sometime for having someone who loves me like he does. But, when I think long and hard about it; I have no control of that. The only thing I can control is my self and that is only with the help of the Holy Spirit!

Father~ Thank you for loving me unconditionally. With all my hates, you embrace me where I am and gently teach me how to not sin in any of it. Because of you, nothing grips me so utterly that I don't see your way out! I open my hands with all the hates and loves in my life. I'm Yours! <><

What do you hate? What do you do with your hate? Obviously these are questions I've been pondering and found some good in addressing them.

Whirlwind

So, the day after Thanksgiving, we had to make our first time ever 9-1-1 call. Our youngest couldn't really wake up and was lethargic. After a day in the ER including a CAT Scan, we found out that she is as healthy as can be. I'm thrilled to hear that nothing is wrong with her but left somewhat confused as to what caused those horrible symptoms that morning.... that have not since returned (thankfully.)
Then, the next day the middle child had a fever of 102. And the oldest threw up three times. I caught it that night leaving me worthless by Sunday. All the while, our tradition of putting up decorations the day after Thanksgiving was more of a burden and a poor attempt.
Now, Tuesday, my poor hubby has the bug. The Christmas tree is up. The stockings are hung. We still have the outdoor lights, but with the wind and brrrrr-ness outside, who knows when that will really happen.
This whirlwind that we have had since my return from Nashville has left little room for me to write about the things I have been assessing within my heart.
I am currently reading a book that I am ready to recommend even though I haven't finished it. "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan is an eye-opener for the sleeping, lukewarm church and individual.
So good so far!!!!

Need a Break

Praise the Lord for this new place of life that I am in. I did not need a break from my kids. I went to volunteer at this convention and actually missed my children and the role I play in my home. I desired to be here. I'm glad to be home. I have some insights that I gained along the way. I finished a book and started another. I do have lots in my head and will try to find the time to articulate it all at some point.

But, for now.... I don't need a break and I'm relishing in it!

Needs Vacuuming

My house is in dire need of all day house cleaning and I am noticing it the day before I leave. :(
I will be gone for a week and I am lacking the energy and desire to clean a house that will be demolished by the time I return. Shouldn't I just let it be and have the same load when I return? The dishwater is whirring and the laundry sounds for the day have begun. I just don't think I can orchestrate all the sounds of productivity today!
I remember posting about this last year. I am headed to Nashville with my sister to volunteer for an event that my other sister is working. It is National Youth Worker Convention put on by Youth Specialties! I believe in this organization and always have fun serving, but more importantly, I cherish the time that I get to spend with my two sisters!!!

Here is a first...

.....posting from my phone :-)
I have been wanting to write about a parenting conference I attended last weekend. It was called, "Scream-Free Parenting." This guy basically told us that we can't be in CHARGE when we're out of CONTROL! Totally true! He really put the emphasis on you, the parent. This is good news to me because that is something I can do something about. We have zero control of the decisions our children will make. Did you hear that? Zero! We do however, have a LOT of influence but they were created with the same free-will that we have. Now obviously there was emphasis on consequences and consistency but realizing that I can't control them any more than I can my husband was a great revalation!

Lastly, I think this guy's ego got in the way. It sure sounds like he is trying to sell something rather be a servant that the Lord uses to get a message out. But other than that it has helped me to not discipline with resentment for their behavior!

Life with an iPhone

I absolutely LOVE the iPhone!!! Ever since I got it though, I am hardly EVER on the actual computer anymore and therefore, my blogging time has just dwindled to practically nothing. I have to actually start up my computer if I want to do such things anymore.

I have noticed that in not having a computer on at home, I have finished ALL my homework in my Bible Study for the last three weeks. That's the exact amount of time I've had this phone. It makes me wonder what else there is in life that needs to be taken out?
So, while people may think such toys are distracting and not all good for you, I have found that it has actually improved my time management.

The thing I'm having the hardest time with is my calendar. Okay, I LOVE actual, physical calendars. I like to draw pretty things and doodle and write organized and highlight and everything on my calendar. Now, i've switched to iCal and I forget to open it each day and look at what I have scheduled. I set reminders, but they only go off once. If it's not at the time that I NEED reminding, then what's the point? So, any suggestions on helping me get adjusted to calendars on computers? I've already fixed the doodling part. I just do that in my journal now and of course that iPhone has an App for that too!

Blogworthy

I am realizing that sometimes I don't really have anything worthy to post on a blog but I often post it anyway since it is just an outlet for me. Yet, someone could stumble upon my blog and read the one most recent post and gain an impression of me that is not totally accurate.

How do I always represent all of me in each post? I guess that is not totally attainable. I desire to be an open book. I guess it just goes without saying that there are good days and bad days!

I use this blog for so many things. Sometimes to post for therapy sake. Sometimes it is to let people that live far away to know what is going on in our life (as a family.) And I used it to give updates on my Dad's health after his heart attack. There are times though that I want to use it as a ministry... to offer what I'm learning in my journey with the Lord so others can grow as a result and that God may receive the glory for what He's doing in my life.

Today, I post to say that I am a roller coaster. I love that God is not. I love that I have a place where anyone can land at anytime and hopefully see Christ :)

My Heart

Life seems to be pretty good. By appearance there would be no real reason to have sorrow. My children are healthy and there is nothing but progression on their report cards. My husband is doing what he was made for in a ministry that he loves. Our life feels as if it's running smoothly.

Yet, I have an ache within that I can never deny or pretend away. I usually say that this is just the Spirit within me preparing me for my real home. I am just an alien here and this is not my home.

But, a further look into my heart reveals that I not happy. My joy has been misplaced. I am not talking about "depression" which I know all too well. I am sharing about this deep within place of my heart that is not satisfied with where I am.

Why is it that we are meanest to those that are closest to us? What kind of power trip am I on that allows me to not display kindness in my face to my children? I am struggling (once again) with the kind of Mother I am. More specifically, the kind of Mother my children see. Because on the inside I feel like I am so much more than what I consistently offer them. This ache is so cyclical. I work hard at teaching, training and disciplining and when I see the wrong choices being made, I feel failure. Inevitably what follows is my desire to "throw the towel in." Why try so hard to teach when they choose wrong anyway?

This yuckiness of motherhood has my heart in a sad and unhappy place tonight.

Espresso at Home

We just ordered an espresso machine to be shipped to us. When we were on vacation, we had Americano's every morning since they had an espresso machine at the cabin. Now (a week later) I'm going through withdrawals. Not really, we just strongly desire to have that in our home. Plus, we aim to not spend any money at coffee shops when we'll be able to make them at home :) so, tonight I've been on-line shopping for the accessories needed for this new barista. I just need to go to Target or something because I keep ending up at sites that sell only the finest. For instance: I'm looking for a tamper which should be around five bucks and I keep finding them except they are like one hundred dollars. So, I have quit for the night. But, I am anticipating a shipment to arrive any day now. Oh, the joys!!!
:)

Pictures

I was wondering if I could start posting my monthly pictures this way. I'm giving it a whirl!
This way, I don't have to post about how Halloween was and how much candy we have to battle now and all the fun details. You can just see it all for yourself!!!

Meyer Family October 2008



Happy Halloween and Happy Fall to ya'll!!!

Previews

I am a preview girl. I LOVE the previews and don't want to be late to a movie so that I won't miss them. You can usually tell if the movie you are about to see is good or not by the previews it has too :)
Well, I just went to see two movies back to back.
The first was yesterday:
As any loving mother of three girls would do, I took them to see High School Musical 3. Yes, we own the first and second so this was a must see. What a delight to take my children to see a modern day "Footloose" or "Grease!" I just love that there are still movies with singing and dancing in it. Some of my favorites have always been the ones with such talent in them: Singin' In the Rain, White Christmas, Funny Face...I could go on.
The second one was today:
After reading "The Secret Life of Bees," I simply had to go. Although this one didn't get great reviews, I went to assess it myself. The book was so good with the character development of Lily and wondered how they would do with it in the movie. As always, the book was better. Still a great story.

But, back to the previews. There were a couple today that I saw that just made me so excited about the future.
Seven Pounds

Marley & Me


I also think about how the Bible has played as a preview for what we have in our future. If I new that it was "coming this christmas" I could get more excited. But it feels so far away. So, for now I'll be excited for these next two films to hit theaters this Christmas (for real!)

Mountain Biking

Our big day of Mountain Biking on the South Boundary Trail outside of Angel Fire. It was really difficult for a couple of out of shape Okies. Beautiful, Amazing, Adventurous.... but, difficult!!

Getaway

Well, Nick and I have been in Angel Fire, NM for a couple of days now without the girls. They are having a blast a Papa and Grammy's house in Colorado Springs!

Today we headed in to Taos and have landed at a great little coffee shop here. I had to post a link to the place we just visited. It is called El Monte Sagrado. Man, if you ever want a really nice getaway in New Mexico, this is the place. I personally could never spend the money to stay there, but if you stay in Taos, then you definitely need to walk around the grounds! It's beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful.... I LOVE the Fall. There are still many Aspen trees doing their thing! I mean that bright yellow dance they do before they are left bare for the winter. I can't stop staring at them. There is such life represented in the death of each leaf.

Yesterday, we took a walk around the area where we are staying. It was interesting to follow fresh bear tracks more than half of our walk. It got me thinking about God's Sovereignty. I wondered if we were not being wise walking around in an area where clearly bears roam. But, this is our vacation and if we don't get out of that cabin then we could go crazy. So we go to explore the heights of the mountain we were on. I played with words in my head. "Young Couple Attacked by a Brown Bear." Needless to say, we survived and are having an incredible time!

"Life's not Fair"

What is it within us that begins to think that life should be fair? I mean from the time we learn how to speak we think that there are equal plains and playing fields. I want to want equally. We want to receive equally. If we all received equal to what we desire, it would NOT be equal. It would not be fair.

This concept of fairness has me baffled. I have three girls, so really I buy things in groups of three to "keep the peace." Really it is appear to be "fair." I know that no one really goes around teaching that life is fair. This is something that we must be born with.... some fair calculator that has an alarm that goes off within us when it is tilting in the unfair department.

So, you can imagine that I often say the quote: "Life's not fair" at many of the life experiences we, as a family have. But, the other day, my oldest daughter asked me if she could go with me somewhere and leave the two other girls at home. To this request, I replied: "That wouldn't be fair." This is why I'm baffled....

...If I, as an adult, know that "Life's not fair" then why is it that I try to keep things fair?

Vacation

We are finally taking that much needed vacation!!! Nick left town today and will return on Thursday, which is when we will depart! I'm excited to finally have this trip all scheduled. We are driving straight to Colorado Springs where we will spend the weekend with his family. Then Nick and I will leave the kiddos there and head to Angel Fire, NM for the week. I'm not too sure what the weather will be like this time of year. So this means that I don't know if we are taking our road bikes or our mountain bikes. I'm excited either way. I bought a couple new books and am ready to devour them!

I don't know how much I'll be posting if I post at all, but I am just getting so excited!!!! Hope y'all have a great Fall Break!

Clearheaded - NLT

This word is in a verse that I read this morning in the New Living Translation.

"But let us who live in the light be clearheaded, protected by the armor of faith and love and wearing as our helmet the confidence of our salvation." 1 Thessalonians 5:8

So, here's why I'm writing about it. This is a very recent testimony in my life.
I have been taking a non-narcotic pain killer to manage back pain. Recently, I found myself taking more than necessary to try to take away a non-physical pain. An emotional pain. As if this pill were like zoloft and would numb the very real presence of pain. I knowingly was not turning to Christ for this area of my life.



Due to some medical tests, I had to go off of this medication for a few days. It was in that time that the conviction came from my Sweet Father. He gently challenged me to turn to Him with my "pain." I have a sign hanging on a wall that simply says:

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13... The Message

What is the point of having these reminders on the walls within my home if I am not willing to obey. This is something that looked pretty but I was not willing to really do. I was trying to "make it" by taking pills.

There is so much more to this story and how God brought all of this beautifully to a success story for me. It is way too much to write. The details are not as important as the praise that I can now offer clearheadedly to our Amazing, Great God!!! I can now live in the light and be clearheaded!!!

Trash or Treasure

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Big Trash day in my parents neighborhood always makes me excited. Getting hand-me-downs is wonderful! I like getting new to me things. I have just gotten an iPhone from someone who wanted a Blackberry. I have found within me this excitement about this new thing. What's crazy to me is that it is a thing. I feel so spiritually shallow that something like an iPhone can bring me so much excitement. When I hear the word "treasure," I think of a couple of things. One is a pirate which has nothing to do with this and the other is the verse in Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

But, I guess when I really get to the depths of me and what it is that I truly treasure, it is way more than an iPhone. I've been sitting at this coffee shop working on a video with music of my kiddos. I treasure memories that I have made with my children. I treasure friendships. I treasure the Word of God and what I learn from it to help me in this life. This is treasure that was never anyone's trash.

Something Fun!!!

Lately my posts have sounded sad. I want to express that I have had circumstances in life that are less than desirable, but through it all I recognize that GOD is GOOD and that He is in the midst of it all. I completely trust His Sovereign plan for my life.

Every morning during my time in the word, I struggle read through the Old Testament, then some of the New and then quite a bit of Psalms and finally onto Proverbs. No matter what my selected reading is for the day, I cherish ending on the note of some Psalms and then a Proverb.

So, for the "something fun" part: I want you (the reader) to leave a comment of your own Psalm or Proverb. I want to hear you cry out to God in your life's circumstances just like David or Asaph. If you need to think about it and come back, please do, because I'd love to hear them!!! I accept anonymous comments :)



Fun, huh? Once I think of a great one, I might even leave a comment on my own!!!

Wind

It is very windy in Oklahoma. Today was a particularly windy day. With it, came some sort of sinus headache but also an energy that I felt. I have thought about how most of the things I write about are the struggles and the hardships in my life. I'm like Oklahoma.... Winds of frustration are continually blowing in my life.

I used to love the "Life is good" logo and all things by them. I think Jake is such a cute little face :)

But now, I have thought with all the winds of frustration that blow in my life, overall, life isn't good. I would buy the sticker and put it on my car maybe in hopes that I would feel that way about life. But, reality has brought me to the conclusion that God is good and life is hard.
So, maybe I can find their font (that I love so much) and print a great Jake smile face and say "God is good" and it will help with the yuck of life that isn't so good!

Nothing I Can Do

That is the title of a song written by Charlie Hall like 15 years ago. I don't know if you're supposed to get permissions to type out lyrics or simply give credit where credit is due. So, I'm just giving the credit to him for writing what I've so often thought and felt myself. I will paraphrase to how I would have written it:

I'm so busy being busy that there's just no time to sit and listen awhile.
I'm not sure that I'm looking through your eyes or through mine.
And I'm always trying to see something I'd rather see. Why can't I only see what you do?
And put the masks away and step from the shade.
Let the Son of God come shine upon my face.
Apart from you, Lord, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do.

Oh, we sing and we play, but we never think to take our masks away.
We have needs and we all have pain on the inside.
It's deep on the inside in the places where not too many get to see.

But we're all just trying to be someone we'd rather be.
Well, why can't we all just be in You?

My Heart

There is such division within my heart. I can almost see a visible line drawn through it. One side represents the Spirit that lives, dwells, directs and consumes me. The other is quite a bit darker. I had an accountability group when I was single and we would preface a lot of our confessions with: "I have such a black heart." This black side is full of weakness. It is fueled by evil. It is full of deception and is easily swayed toward darkness.
In high school I memorized Gal. 5:13-26. The passage speaks for the sin nature and the Spirit. I believe that is exactly what I am talking about when I evaluate or assess my heart. It is so exhausting to fight or even feel the pull all day long between the two natures.
For today,

Lord, help me in this struggle to choose to listen only to You. To keep my eyes focused on You. To think about what is pure, right, honorable, praiseworthy, true and admirable. I know that my Spirit is willing and that my flesh is so weak. In this weakness, I plead with you for help. I know that you can do anything and I can do nothing. I choose to abide in You. I invite you to reign in my heart today! Thank you. Amen <><

Friendships

I think that I have a lot of friends. Then, I stop to evaluate who I spend time with and it is like only family. This is fine by me because I absolutely LOVE my family. When I get free time (from life with my kiddos) I spend it with Nick, Gwyneth or Mom. I don't think this is bad. I do have a long list of friends and people that I treasure, but by how my time is spent, you'd think that I don't have any other friendships than the ones in my family. Having my husband, sister and mother to hang out with is a blessing. Many people desire to have functional relationships with their family members. So, today I am thankful that I am friends with my family!

Not doing so well

I don't know if I need a vacation or counseling. I KNOW that I need one if not both. So, I'm going to try it in that order. Ever since our month away in GA, I have desired some alone time with Nick. So, we are in the workings of arranging a trip to CO. We'll drop the kiddos off and go away for awhile. If upon return, I am still not doing so well, I'll go to a counselor. I have been going to The Counselor begging for help. I trust Him completely and hope to see from fruits from seeking Him and trusting Him!

Thrive

I so desire to thrive in life and not just survive. For so long, I have just been surviving each day. I want to thrive each day of my life. I will admit that it is getting easier for me. I just added a gadget on my blog that has links to some of my favorite posts. They are real. Most are about struggles of mine. As I've re-read where I have been, I am noticing a remarkable difference.

thrive
1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish
3. to make steady progress

In seeing where I've been and where I am, I admittedly see steady progress. So, by definition, I am thriving!!!

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to see the progress. It makes today's hard not seem as hard!

Priorities

So, I think that I love Jesus the most and put Him first in everything UNTIL I get free time and find that I fill it with so many other things. Our Fall Bible study started a few weeks ago and I began yet another Precept Study. Also, this year, I have all three of my girls in school every day (even if it is only for 2 1/2 hours a day.) So, one would thing that I finally have time to complete the homework each week for my Bible Study.

Instead, what do I do? I go on a run, or bike ride, or read, or journal, or kill thousands of seconds on facebook. I feel like my priorities are wrong. I don't want to use my free time to study the Bible. I always thought that I would. That is just what I thought I would do with my time since I thought that He was first in my life.

I don't have much more to say about this yet. I will. Right now, I'm just processing this realization.

Hummingbirds

BEFORE THE PURCHASE:
In an effort to chase the feeling of joy, I went on-line to purchase a Hummingbird feeder. I love hummingbirds. I have since I was a Junior in High School. I remember doing an assignment on them that made me take such great delight in them. So, I thought if I could just have the feeder outside my window that I so often stare out of with tears in my eyes, I would replace my sad emotions with delightful ones. I had the feeder in my cart and was ready to complete my purchase when I realized that I was actually on-line trying to buy my happiness. I wanted to buy something that brought me joy. I deleted the item and closed my browser.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I am so sad. I have many blessings and feel guilty for feeling sad. Then I realize that I'm really looking to have a better relationship with my children. I desire to enjoy being a mother. I long to not feel guilty and miserable about this job ALL the time.

AFTER THE PURCHASE:
As I sit here this morning, I look out my window and I smile so big just from watching Meg and Kenna jump on the trampoline. This is a long-desired smile. I have wanted to have the natural instinct to smile when observing my children. For so long, there have been negative feelings associated with their behavior and failure on my part to discipline such habits they were practicing.

So, in my effort to have a joy filled feeling, I bought the hummingbird feeder and watched with delight as the little creatures swarmed around while drinking sugar water. Now, my two little girls jump and play and bring me more joy than the birds. I watch Megan double-bounce Kenna and send her sailing. I watch them bend over in an attempt to drink the morning dew off the surface of the trampoline. Such childlike behavior has made my heart happy this morning!

Now, with the bubbles they are playing with, I could play this in slow motion and add music and I’d have myself a picture perfect memory!

No Joke

I wasn't joking when I wrote that last post. I truly thought that my life as a blogger had ended. Really I just needed to give myself rules.
1. I have found in this time of silence that I am simply unable to read other blogs. Doing this has freed me tremendously in my time and my devotion to being an at-home Mom. I felt obligated to read every time my feed told me someone had posted. I cannot be under that obligation.
2. I cannot be consumed or concerned about people's comments. I did find that my writing changed knowing that others would read and I often felt driven to write for some approval of some sort. (so this one is tricky because I will have to truly assess where my heart is as I write.)
3. While I am an open book and lack the filter that most people have on privacy or fear of exposure, I will write openly only about myself and not about any other person around me.

So, with these rules shared, I am ready to re-enter this outlet that has been so helpful to me in the past. Hey, this is like free therapy for me.

Final Post

I am saying farewell to my life as a blogger, one that posts and one that reads. It was great for a time. Thanks for all the friendships I've made on here and for all those that read that never commented. I am leaving this blog open because my email is on my profile. Since I won't be reading any more blogs or anything, I won't know what's going on with any of you unless you want to write me. I'm also on facebook if any of you want to keep up that way.

The Lord has just shown me through numerous ways that this is no longer for me. Thanks again for everything!!!!

Perspective

I think sometimes when we take a look at what others are going through, it gives us perspective.

There is a dangerous line in doing this because when we look around at others, we tend to compare and justify and do more damage than good. If we would just:

Turn our eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the Light of His glory and grace.

My pain is pain no matter where I'm looking. I could compare it to someone having a splinter or to someone suffering with cancer. None of that changes the actual pain that I feel. It just changes my perspective on the pain. So, I choose to take pain, joy, suffering or anything (physical or emotional) to Christ.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. 30 “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Living Proof Live

God's timing is always perfect. I just returned from the Living Proof Live Conference in San Antonio today. I got to meet some precious women and for that I am grateful. I believe it gave me a teeny tiny taste of the reunion we will all have in heaven.
Beth Moore did a phenomenal job communicating the Word of God passionately and accurately.



When the event ended yesterday, we walked in the rain. We were drenched! As we walked in the rain, I wondered why the child-like desire to splash in puddles had to leave.
Well, I got a second chance at it. I was hungry to play with my children after being gone and I was jumping on the trampoline with them, when all of the sudden subtle sprinkles began in the midst of sunshine. It quickly turned into a down-pour and we played like children. I ran out front with them all looking for places to splash with my girls. We sat in them, we splashed and we laughed. When I saw neighbors I didn't feel stupid because my children were with me. I am trying to picture what it would have looked like if I was sitting in a puddle in San Antonio and splashing all those women with no children around. I am thrilled to have children by my side helping to play well. Thank you, Lord for that second chance of playing in the rain!

9 Years ago today!!!!

Lord, I thank you for Nick. I praise you for the way that You have blessed and protected our marriage thus far. What a difficult year! I pray that we continue to rest in You in our marriage. You are the reason we know how to love each other. We can do Nothing in our marriage without You. You give us Peace. You teach us grace and forgiveness. It is because of You that we celebrate today!

Pain

I am stuck in a pain that feels inescapable. God in His Sovereignty planned for me to go to San Antonio on Friday. I would have never booked this trip if it weren't for a dear friend, Emily, inviting me. Because of my desire to see her, I planned the trip.

After 33 days at camp feeling like a single parent, I so desired some time away. But instead, God had me here to be with my sister as we make decisions and pick up the pieces of their now broken family. Yet, the trip is still there around the corner. Feelings of guilt for leaving and feelings of desperation for needing to go collide within me. My children have absorbed my emotions and regurgitated the anger they've seen.

At camp, I had many times that I struggled through disciplining them alone and in a strange environment. And now, here at home, I struggle to rightly teach them. I don't get it. I am plugging in to the Word of God every morning. I am trying to fill myself with Him and His truths in order to sustain me through my day. But, I am sad to say that there is no evidence of Him or His Spirit in my actions. I have given in to the emotion that is so strong within me. The awful emotion of anger. My eyes are flooded and my heart feels a combination of numbness and pain. I don't want to be angry. I long to just smile at my girls. Why does that have to be so hard for me?

Father~ I need You! What I have learned from you in the Light is now carrying me through this darkness. I know you are faithful to your promises. I know that what I have learned about you is true. And because of that I have hope. I have hope that I will make it through such a difficult time as this. Give me what I need to build my house up rather than tear it down. God, why don't I turn to you first? Do I not believe that You can fix this? I know that you are all-powerful even by the way that I capitalize Your Name. I humbly confess that I can do NOTHING apart from you. Use me. Teach me. Change me. Help me. Save me from myself. <><

First Day of School

Whatever. It's over-rated. Especially when the first day of school is having two of your three children only in half day. Half day that doesn't even start until 12:30. Here I am stuck in that morning before where we have built up this day for so long and the lingering hours waiting have cause me to explode. All this anticipation... and for what? A 2 1/2 hour break in my day? I should have known not to be excited until Fall of 2010 when all three are in full day! That is when the first day of school will get me all excited.
Until then, I will cope and will apologize to my girls for exploding. I will find something else to do with my mornings instead of sitting around at home waiting for school to start.
Oh, and pictures? Can't post those.... because I haven't taken them yet..... still morning!!!!!

Real Reason for being "on Hold"

I didn't know what to write. I didn't want it "out there." But, two days before leaving our month-long stay at camp, I found out that my sister was flying home with her four children to flee from her lying husband. We were all shocked that he has been living a horrible double life for their entire marriage.
We began our 15 hour drive home. By the middle of it, I realized I was on one of the longest hardest roads I'd ever be on. I was driving away from a rich, exhausting time working at a camp. But, I was pointed in the direction of devastation. The closer I got to OK the more real the pain became.
I have been walking this road with my sister now for over a week. I'm answering questions to my children I never thought of. I now beg for prayer for healing for her and for this difficult transition for her four children.
I contemplate my own marriage and realize that we live in such a fallen, messed up world. I long for Heaven and am thrilled that I have the hope of Heaven.

God, I know that you don't change when our circumstances do. We need your help.

On Hold

Well, I'm home from camp, but taking a few days off.

On Edge

There's no pill to swallow that can take away the stuff I'm feeling inside. I wish there was such a remedy. I know. I know..... God is my remedy. But still, I am about to burst. There is tension within me that I can't explain. We only have a day and a half left here. I feel like every corner I turn, there is trouble. This sounds so vague. But, I'm not going to mention other people's problems on here. It just then I am not hearing any good news right now. It's ALL bad and I'm feeling defeated by it. I've been begging for prayer all month and now there are so many people in need of it and my tank feels empty.
Uuuuugh.

Good Days Gone Bad

I wanted to post about how much fun we had again today, but now that I'm here, I have a headache and I'm sad that it ended the way it did. I think it's just this room and being told what to do that allow the grumpy children to come out of the sweet dancing children that were just up at camp.
Our day began with the adventure of a bears being sited around camp. So, timidly we faced camp realizing that they've been there all along and we just didn't know about it so why worry now!
I got to do the mountain bike trail here with a group of campers! Shortly after that, we did the Giant Swing a few times. I'm so proud of Meg and Kenna for pulling the rope to release the swing all by themselves! Then we headed over to the Quantum Leap where you strap in and climb up a pole. I don't know exactly how high it is, but is high. Then you balance yourself on a small square and stand up. Then you jump out and ring a bell. I didn't have my camera down there for that one. Meg did it first. Then I did it. Then sweet little Kenna attempted it. Her little limbs just wouldn't stretch far enough. We told her maybe next year :)

Finally, YL Camp does this awesome thing called Tableau. Well, since this is week four, my girls finally felt like they could hold still long enough to perform. They did great. They held still and I do have pictures of that. They look so small in here, you probably can't see Nick and the girls, but you'll get an idea.
Now, I'm to bed for some much needed rest!

Fun-filled Day

It felt like the first week around here today! We hit the zip line (yes, Kenna finally did it all by herself!), the rock wall, the pool and the snack shop!!!!
The kids are plum-tuckered out! My spirits are high today :)

Thank you, Father for the way that you have answered my prayers. I asked for some of your fruits and you have been so gracious to give them to me today. It is because of You that I am able to have joy in the midst of this!

Other than the one picture of some campers helping Kenna and Meg off the zip line, the rest of these are all of the bracelet making factory. I had mentioned that this craft had united us. Now, I see that it has consumed us. It is a terrible thing to supervise when you have a bit of OCD.

Spirit Filled on my Fourth Day One

I so desire to have Spirit-filled children.

I pray that they learn now the difference between living by their sin nature and living by the Spirit that gives us the fruits we need to live by!

I have been asking God to help me develop an attitude of worship that is not dependent on circumstances, not distracted by other things that crowd into my life, but is focused on his greatness and goodness to me.
As I am doing this I'm realizing that at the root of my children's responses is a distraction. I need to redirect their focus. I get obedient and pleasant children only when they are getting what they want. Is it like that with me? Is my focus so on myself that God is using my children to teach me something?
Oh, how I yearn to only see Him and care about Him.

God remove me from myself. I don't want to get in the way of what you want to do in and through me.

In half an hour our fourth set of campers will begin arriving. May I go into this next week of camp with as much excitement that I had the first week. I am trying so hard to set the tone for the week today by addressing the problem within us (the girls and ME.)

Father, I canNOT do any of this without you. I choose to live in a worshipful, spirit-filled life!

United

Well, we have discovered a new craft for ALL of us to enjoy here at camp. It all began at the bead barn and seeing campers all around wearing cool bracelets, anklets and necklaces. So, we pick out our colors and safety pin it and stay on task as we make bracelets. That's what the last two days have been and it's been great to have something that we can ALL do. See, for awhile there either one was left out or one didn't like something so we could never really all participate in something together. So, this is a praise because it has united us!

My Three Girls

My heart has taken some serious blows over the past few days. I have felt defeated numerous times. BUT (don't you love that?... you know that God was in the midst of it all), I had the sweetest prayer time with my girls today. After another round of disciplining in a difficult environment in tears all three girls came to comfort me. I asked them if they wanted to pray with me to ask God for help in our behavior. The older two wanted to. It was the first time I've ever cried while praying and they did too. I"m hoping that there was a genuine brokeness before the Lord for them like there was for me! On that note, I simply want to share a picture of each one of them. For those of you who have been praying for us during our time here at camp, I know pictures help. :)

San Antonio, here I come!

Shortly after I get home, I am turning around and going to San Antonio to go to Beth Moore's Living Proof Ministry Thingie. I don't even know much about the event, but my friend invited me and I said yes. I booked the ticket and joined this group called the siesta fiesta. (that's why their logo is on my blog page.)
Well, they did a spotlight on me and I'm getting really excited to find some refreshment with other women after camp!

Here's the link!!!

New Routine

Well, I remain "unplugged" during their awake time. I realized that I have to check in on my email because that is how I'm paying bills. So, today's new shot at the new routine went well. I guess I'll continue to post at night when I'm not being pulled with the other responsibility that I have here.

I am so sad to say that the main reason I am posting tonight is because Leslie died yesterday. This is a very long, but very well written post. Please pray for Tyson as he grieves the loss of his wife and T.J for the loss of his mother.

Unplugged

A huge part of my frustration here at camp has been that the Internet doesn't work in my room like it does in EVERY BODY ELSE'S. So, with that said. I am going to see how my week 3 goes without trying to walk to another room and post and check in daily.
Campers leave tonight and campers come tomorrow. This past week was great as we finally did the zip line (into a lake) slides (into the same lake) and the blob. Yes, I got injured on the blob. I don't think I'll be doing that one again. We're all over the zip line though.

My heart has been pretty black these last few days. I am in need of prayer. I despise my job and I'm feeling guilty for it. I bought the Children's version of Tom Sawyer to read to them this week. Hopefully during the time I've been spending running off to check email or post, I will choose to read to them and hold them and play with them. Things I typically don't enjoy doing. Please pray that in my efforts to do this, I find joy in the job of it. And that hopefully it won't feel like a job.

So, I'm unplugging in this effort to change how my heart feels about being here and my children's contentment level and their responses to me. Thanks for praying (if you do.)

The Walk to camp

Earlier in our time here, I put a picture of me with the girls in a golf cart. Let me explain. Because we live in the dorm with all of the work crew and summer staff we have two hills to go on before arriving in "camp." With little legs, you never know if they can all do the hike multiple times a day, so we were given a golf cart to take back and forth to camp. Well, randomly my cart disappears, so this is a look at meg on the down hill and the second picture shows what we hike up to get to the building behind the little one in the field. Later, I'll take a picture of where we live so you have a visual :)

Grumpy

Like one of the dwarfs, I could have been named "Grumpy" today. Thankfully, it wasn't like I had a melt-down or major disobedience. It's like the hum-drum of camp just got to me today. People asking, "What did you do today?" Well, it's not like it was the first week. I basically just survived today. Every chance I got, I was like laying down. I just felt so tired. I don't want any more days like that. Whew, that just knocked the fun out of me.

On a brighter note, I did buy a tie dye Young Life t.shirt. I know, I know... I'm probably too old to be wearing tie dye, BUT, at least I'm not wearing a it all bunched up in a pony tail holder in the back, like Megan. That's right. I'm sound asleep and one morning, Meg comes in to wake me up and she's dressed for the day and has her t.shirt pulled tight and bunched up in the back in a stylish pony tail holder. What a sponge. She is watching these high school campers and it is just in her to do what she sees.

So, with all that said. my journey here is starting to feel a bit harder. I have the opportunity to take the girls into Atlanta Sunday if I want to venture off and do it alone. Still praying about that one. That is the day off for a lot of the wives husbands here. So, we'll see. I'll keep ya posted!

Bible Story

I'm so spiritually happy (I guess that could also be described as joyful :) right now! During my reading, I found a verse to teach to my children. I went in to teach it and saw that I had a captive audience ~ So, I then taught them Romans 8 about our two natures. They listened and seemed to understand.

Thank you, Lord for giving that precious moment to me! <><

Equipped

I have in one hand a "rod" and in the other, my bible verse pack. I feel like I can face today with these two things on me always. God was so good to me because in my July 22nd reading today, I am telling you, I easily could be Paul. Here this: Romans 7

v. 15 "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."
v. 18 & 19 "And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."
v. 25 "Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."
8:2 "And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."

How perfect is that? Also, the Chronicles part of my reading had me claiming:

"He is good! His faithful love endures forever!" 2 Chron. 7:3b

God just met me where I needed to be met to do what I need to do! Here are some pictures from yesterday. The girls are beautiful and "The Mill" is the dining hall where Nick LIVES.

Breaking Point

I should have known. The re-start that I attempted this afternoon didn't work. We went back up to camp and I broke in front of people. So, with humility I post begging for more prayer.
The reason my tears flowed and I had a mini melt down is because I can no longer handle how my children are responding to me. Here's how it went:
Kenna: crying
Me: why are you crying?
Kenna: because I didn't get a lot of dessert.
Me: you didn't deserve any and should be grateful that you got a small amount when you weren't even supposed to get any tonight.
Kenna: but I want a LOT (still crying)
Me: Ok. Now you don't get any.
Kenna: (full on tantrum)

I then, walk her out of the building to explain what she did wrong and why she doesn't get any and why she has to sit in a "time out."

I walk back in to start getting the girls together to leave the dining hall. When this happens next:
Megan: Can I (the two words I have a deep dislike for now) have a lick? (pointing at the left over dessert)
Me: No
Megan: But, can I just have a LICK?
Me: No
Megan: Can I have a lick, only a lick?
Me: (i actually can't remember what happened here, but I know that it when I started crying.... I somehow dealt with her)

After crying and talking with a Mom, and having all the other mom's staring at me asking if I'm okay (where I'm clearly not okay) I regain composure and go to get Kenna out of "time out."
It's time to leave and Megan is being carried to me by someone who says that she was in the back (where she's not supposed to go unless Mom or Dad is with her.) The final disobedience.
I send her for a LONG walk by herself back to the room where I will "deal with her."

This is where I'm stuck. I can't stop crying and my eyes are swollen. I have had the good discipline and hugs and forgiveness and all that with them, but I feel too unstable to go back into camp. This is where I beg for prayer. Please pray that my emotions can be pulled together and that my children will finally start saying "Yes ma'am" every time the first time. I know this is a hard setting to train well. But, this is what I need from them to make it another three weeks. (where dessert is served two out of everything three meals.)

Thanks for reading this far and thanks even more if you are praying!
(this picture was taken yesterday, but it still had the dessert in the face, so I thought it to be appropriate :)

Week Two

I seriously can't comprehend what I'm going to feel like when I'm on Week Four! I'm getting so physically tired! I'm glad to say that we're learning how to fit naps in when needed!

As I write, buses are unloading our next group of campers. So, I'm gearing up for our next week and since we had such a busy week last week, I'm planning to have more down time with the girls. By the end of last week, we were all learning how to help Nick out in the dining hall. I just don't want us to all get in the way.

Well, this is short and to the point. I've said where we are in our stay here, now for my heart. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. We've been cranky. So, we just napped and I'm hoping and praying that it is exactly what we needed to re-start our day and our attitudes. I do find time to read the Word and get alone with God each day. I know I wouldn't have made it without Him giving me all I need. He is my Sustainer!

That's what it's all about....

Tonight at camp, we said good bye to our first week of 400+ campers. Right before they load up on the buses to go home, Young Life has a "Say So." This is taken from the verse in the Bible that says, "Let the Redeemed of the Lord say so."
Many campers remained standing to hold a microphone and tell us their name, where they were from and that they entered into a relationship with Jesus this week. I cried as they began. In the middle of it, Ashlyn leaned over and told me that she thought it was sad that they didn't accept Jesus when they were children. I explained that not all parents know about it and therefore can't teach it to their children. That is why it is so excited to have a place like YL camp where they might get to hear about a relationship with Jesus for their very first time!!!
It made my heart so happy for my children to watch what this camp is ALL about!

Our free time together as a family today was rich. I feel sustained to go into our 2nd week here at camp!

First Day Six

Well, Meg not only got to the top of the rock wall today to ring the bell. She did it three times in a row!!! She's a stud!

I'm so excited because tonight I got to eat dinner with Nick while some Work Crew girls baby sat all the kids. It was refreshing. And the refreshment is just getting started. I just found out that Nick doesn't have to do anything until 4pm tomorrow. So, when he gets back here tonight (probably around midnight.) We can all sleep in and go into a nearby town or whatever. I'm just excited to have a family morning/day together tomorrow.

I've had some great lessons that the Lord is teaching me.

I'll share one awesome one. Just today I was beginning to get a "woe is me" mentality about living far away from the Assigned Team. I was thinking they had it so much better and I was listing off the reasons in my head that we were getting the raw end of the deal. And the Lord just gently reminded me that He placed me here. Maybe He was protecting me from something in that living situation that would have been way harder for me to deal with. All I know is that trusting Him in EVERYTHING is the only way to process and handle All things.

Thanks for praying. I feel like I'm getting extra measures of those fruits that He so freely gives.

Good night... R <><

Pictures are worth a thousand words

Seriously, if I don't have like a major prayer request to post, I'll just post the pics from our camp happenings! I did want to let ya'll know that Ashlyn did try that Giant Swing the next day. She cried through the whole thing so even if I had a picture to prove it, I probably wouldn't have posted it. She has decided that she hates anything to do with heights.
So the entire time Meg, Kenna and I climbed this rock wall today, Ashlyn kept asking me if there was ANYTHING to do here at camp that didn't have heights involved. Now she (and we) know what she won't like and what the others will.
Oh, I am not good at laying out the pictures with words in the right places, so I will explain that Meg is a perfectionist and she got so mad at the fact that she couldn't do it that she screamed at the top of lungs dangling up top. We told her we'd bring her down and she'd scream harder that she didn't want down- she wanted to DO it. She tried three different times. Her poor muscles had to be so sore. So, here are the pictures that tell more than what I wrote!!!!

Chiggers

Guess that's what the bites on my legs are. I guess they are really bad here this year. And some other people have been getting chiggers, but mine seem to be the worst. To let you know how bad mine are, I almost took pictures. But, it's pretty gross, so I won't.
With that said. I now have the issue of looking gross to people. I want to wear pants, but it irritates them more and makes them itch even more. So, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude with by body partially covered in red bumps.
Thanks for praying!
I hear that we'll actually get to hang out with Nick definitely by the 3rd week if not the 2nd. So, we're on our first Day Five and it's getting difficult for me to really understand what it will look like to do this entire long, busy week three more times.
I'm trying to cram personal time in with the girls still under my supervision. That is usually where I get frustrated. I know I need personal time and the ONLY way to get it is to force them to do something that doesn't require me watching them. So, again, more prayer. I desire to not have to fight the chiggers the entire stay here. May it be that I just learned my lesson to not sit in the grass while my children run around. And may the bug spray work from here on out.

Bugs

Okay, I am starting this post off with my complaint. I have 53 bug bites just on my legs. (thanks to Ashlyn counting them for me :) I am now going to start carrying around bug spray and possibly wear pants when I can stand it!
Other than that little complaint about bugs actually bugging me, I do have a prayer request:
I am already getting tired of the "Can We" questions. There is a lot to do here and I we have only done a little bit. But, once we finish anything, I'm inundated with "Can we go on the slide? Can we go on the swing? Can we go on the zip line? Can we go to the park? Can we play with (insert requested name)? Can we ride in the golf cart? Can we..... ? I think you get the point. It's always. AND THEN, after my answer, it is ALWAYS "Why?" Not, yes ma'am! I'm struggling in the training department. I'm feeling frustration come in with each disobedient action or each disrespectful response. I am in need of extra patience and grace!!!! Here are more pics though. I love that I carry my pack around because it has my camera in it and I am capturing a lot more than I thought I would.
Thanks for praying!!!!

Dare Devils

Words can't express what I feel about Meg and Kenna doing this Giant Swing with me! I'll just post enough pictures that captured it!!! Another great day!