Monday, June 29, 2009

Voice Memo

So, I just did the software update on my old iPhone which put a new feature on it called, "Voice Memo." This has become a new game-like application for my youngest daughter. She will walk away alone with the phone in her hand and press record. She always starts with an introduction of herself and then her performance..... singing, pledge of allegiance, etc... They have been so fun to listen to! I should see if there is a way to upload one on here just so you can hear how precious she is.

Well, this morning, she had record on a bit longer than usual. Let's just say that she captured what life sounds like around here. I sat in my room alone listening to my recorded voice pouring out of this device and wanted to cry. It's not like I was yelling or angry or anything. It's that the teaching tone that I have with my children did not sound like one of adoration or patience or lovingkindness. The conviction engulfed me. I quickly hit delete and still sat and pondered this revelation that my voice is not a pleasing one when teaching my children. Because I know myself so well, I could hear the 8 years of bottled-up frustration, the tired of fighting the sin nature within them, the surviving as best as I can TONE! I so badly wanted to hear a tone of a mother in control and filled with the fruits of the Spirit.

I wonder, I just try to wonder, what God's voice sounds like??!! The way that I imagine it, is the way that I want mine to sound (female version) when speaking to my children. I can't even pretend to hear a tone from Him that is exhausted, frustrated, spent or even bothered. This is what I heard in my tone in dealing with the sibling rivalry here this morning.

God, you know how much I desire to teach my girls about You and Your Perfect Love. I not only want to do that in word, but also in action. In my leading them, I want them to know YOU! Give me the ability to speak to them the way I know you would sound if I audibly heard You! Thank you for revealing Yourself to me in a way that I can imagine Your calming voice that would welcome instruction! I love You and am thankful for the silly little updated application on my phone that You used to teach me something about myself today. Help me with this never-ending endeavor!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Entitlement can be a dangerous word when used alongside a relationship with God. I am shocked at the selfish nature that drives us to believe we are "entitled" to anything. We are deserving of DEATH. Ultimate spiritual death. Separation from God. And yet, we have a Savior Whom has rescued us from such a penalty.

I wonder how we can train ourselves to keep the perspective that we are not entitled to anything from God at the forefront of our mind. I watch people "follow the rules" and basically get screwed. It sucks. Yes. But, we aren't entitled to blessing if we but follow the rules. If we seek God and obey Him and trust Him, it does not mean that we are exempt from certain tragedies. It does not give us immunity. We are not entitled to have things a certain way in our life.

I recently heard Francis Chan quoting J Vernon McGee.
"This is God's Universe. God does things His way. You may have a better way, but You don't have a universe." Right around minute 20 and 21, you'll hear what he's talking about!

So, who are we to think that we should know or want things to be a certain way? It's like us taking matters into our own hands and trying to control things. See, God has a plan. We need to trust that plan ALWAYS. Good. Bad. Hard. Easy.

Lord, I am entitled to nothing. I simply inherit everything You give. You provide for me. This includes you providing the winds that blow struggles into my life that are to strengthen me, prepare me or whatever. You provide food for my family. You have revealed Yourself to me because that was a part of your Providential Plan. I trust you. I trust that you alone are good and you love me. Even when I get a "life's not fair" mentality or that I think I am entitled to something, allow your Holy Spirit to gently remind me these things!!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I have not been wanting to make dinner on these summer evenings. We are at the pool until 4 or 5 or 6.... Than I'm spent. Crockpot seems to winterish. Grilling? It's 100 degrees!!!! Sandwiches... Making that for lunch daily!!! I just needed to vent. Summer makes me feel like I don't have my act together. Oh, and I'm posting via text. So, I have no idea how this will turn out :)

Monday, June 15, 2009

My First 10k!!!

I found out the day of this event that I'd be running in a 10k that night. That's the way I like it! Not too long to be nervous. It was called the Downtown Dash and it was at night! I really enjoyed it and will probably plan to do more.... now that I have the first race ever under my belt. I feel funny calling it a race as a 10 minute mile isn't really a race pace. But, it was good enough for me after my mere six weeks of running!!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happy Birthday, Kenna!

My baby is FIVE today. In some ways I can't believe it. As I've been thinking about writing this simple post, I have really seen the answer to prayer that I have seen since beginning this blog a couple of years ago. God has been my foundation through the struggle that I have had as a mother. As I praised Him with worshipful words like, "You remain the same through the ages. Your love never changes," I realized how beautiful a truth that is. We can read the God of the Old Testament and know that He is still that. We can read the Jesus of the New Testament and build our lives completely around that.

In my changing life I have a Constant. He was there when she was born and He was the there when she drove me up a wall. He is still there as she is getting too big to carry! His Love NEVER fails!!!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Taking the Day Off

After starting this new schedule of running 3 to 5 times a week (plus fitting in a bike ride 1 to 2 times a week in order to train for my 100 mile ride in the Blue Ridge Mountains in a month), I'm understanding the importance of taking the day off. I did like 13 miles of running and 97 of biking last week. I continued on starting this week like that and I was wiped. I found that my emotions were pretty low too. Yesterday was a day off from working out. I liked it so much that I took today off too! Today's was more than that one way. I got a sitter and ran around town with the to do's of preparing for tomorrow's birthday party. My BABY is turning FIVE!!!!!

After all that, I'm finally having some "me" time before relieving the sitter. I've started to think about how we all need time off from some things at some point. I take comfort in the fact that our God doesn't ever need time off. He doesn't need a break from me. He doesn't leave me with a sitter to pull Himself together. Funny, I just thought, "if we are to become like Him then, that means no more sitters for me" ..... AAAaaaahhhh.... I'm going to assume that this doesn't apply :)

Well, I'm back at it tomorrow! Hope you are all having a good week :)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Tone Setter

Some sort of grumpy version of myself has taken over and all that's left is this person writing. How do I find my way back? Uuuggh! Today, I have isolated my grumpy self in my room and taken refuge in the wrong thing..... a game on my iPhone. Sad, huh? Well, it's true. I keep playing it in hopes that the perfectly played game will find the "me" that was replaced by this person. Only, I fear it's getting worse with each low score that is produced. The game: Scramble. It's like Boggle for the iPhone and I have scrambled thoughts now just from playing it.
I truly do set the tone in this home. This is a huge responsibility. My boggled brain is confusing this concept and thinking that I could twist those letters around so that I no longer carry the responsibility of setting the tone here.
Well, some days are better than others. Today is not one of the best, but I get to go on a bike ride later. Maybe this funk will unscramble its way out as I pedal away the last hours of this not so good day.

God, I thank you that Your mercies are new every morning. Great is Your Faithfulness. I'm so glad I can bring to you my scrambled up moods in hopes of changing and improving. Protect my girls from my failures! Amen

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Blogging or Jogging

I guess I have found a new form of therapy. I used to post more frequently than I have since I began my pursuit of becoming a runner. I must be getting a release within because I don't feel like I have to assess my heart as much. Maybe that's what's really going on during my 45 minutes or so along a sidewalk.

I have so enjoyed seeing that I have the ability to stick to something. I've kind of always put running in the same category of homeschooling. "It's for every body else. I could never do it! Who would ever really truly want to do that?"
So, just because I run now does not mean that I'm ready to start homeschooling. It has just shown me that until you do it, you really can't know if it's "for you." I do know that I haven't felt "called" by God to home school my children. If I do, I'll probably find things about myself that I never knew.

I have always had bad knees. They creak loudly when I squat down. So, naturally I assumed that my knees could not endure such a hardship as running. I have actually found that by building the muscles around the joints, they are stronger and can handle much more when conditioned.

So, I wonder how much more I really could handle when I'm strengthening different spiritual muscles? I self-diagnosed (if you will) that I could not handle having more children. I was "at my max." Really? Having four or five children definitely would have me using things within me I didn't know I had. I'm not saying, I'm ready to go have a baby, adopt or even begin homeschooling. I'm just going to pursue more in hopes of growing newer and stronger muscles!!!