Thursday, January 6, 2011


When things are hard, I want to go to heaven because I know things won't be hard there. Isn't that, in fact, part of the excitement of heaven? I know that the other part is being with Jesus, worshiping our LORD for all eternity. But when I utter the words, "Come, LORD Jesus" like so many of us do to suggest that we are tired of fighting the fight; I sense that it is a cop out.

Follow me on this. It's important. My desire to go to heaven during difficult times is ultimately saying, "I want out. I choose the finality of my life here on earth."

Now, tucked under the sayings of "I want to go to heaven" or "Come, LORD Jesus" it sounds almost spiritually noble.

I've struggled for years thinking of heaven as a great option. Option? That's not what heaven is. That is me merely not believing that "He, who began a good work in me; will be faithful to complete it." That is me not fighting the good fight. Not shining my light like a city on a hill. Not being salt.

I know that God has made me and uses me daily and has a plan for my life. I have HIS Spirit living within me. But, how dark is it when you face the actual temptation to take your own life? Yes. I am talking about suicide here. Have you ever thought it, wished it, felt it...... actually been tempted by it? How can you be tempted by it if it isn't something you desire?

Well, let me tell you it is very dark to have a temptation like that thrown at you.

I know I'm not alone.

I just want to talk about a dark experience that I once had so that the light is so clearly seen. The "way out" mentioned in 1 Cor. 10:13 can be seen. I was tempted to swallow every pill in my house one time. In that temptation, I wailed out with tears to God. In a fetal position, I cried with guilt that the thought even entered my head. I cried with sadness that many people feel this and actually give in. I knew I wouldn't do it, but to be tempted by it saddened me.

In that sadness, I felt the very LIFE of GOD within me. No wonder people who are not in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus are able to give in to such darkness. Was that one of the darkest moments of my life? YES. But, HE was there. It was GOD WHO held me in that place. I didn't all of the sudden spring up and leap for joy and skip around to face life. I did, however, get up. I blew my nose. I let out another cry at my reflection in the mirror. Then, I thanked God for being there with me in my darkest places.

People talk about the science of light. It is more powerful than dark. Darkness cannot overtake the LIGHT. Well, I was in the darkest place during that moment of temptation and the LIGHT of Christ shined within me allowing me to be led out.

If you've ever been there or are there now and you want me to pray for you, I take it very seriously that there is a much bigger battle going on at that time and I would consider it an honor to fight the battle with you by praying.

Psalm 34:19
"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;"


Chelle said...

Beautifully and honestly written. Wow wow wow!

My grandfather killed himself my senior year in highschool, and I cannot fathom the depth of grief he must have felt in that moment. But the pain he left in his wake, well, that pain I would never want to inflict on my family.

What an amazing moment for God to show up (and you know He would) and shine and be glorified.

Well done friend.

nikkie said...

love you, rach.

and i get what you are saying.

really, i do.

The McKays said...

thanks for your honesty, as always. i relate to you; glad the Lord met you in a dark hour, as He always so faithfully does. xoox