I have been avoiding writing this post. It is something I feel I need to write to really explain why I am here in the world of blogs.
I struggle so much in the day to day of my life. I don't have joy in the midst of where I am. I don't feel like I'm blooming where I'm planted. I'm planted as an at home mom to three children in three and a half years.
Here's what happened:
Got pregnant 7 months later.
Had an infant that didn't cry, but screamed!
Got used to it, but used birth control.
Got pregnant anyway when she turned one.
Moved from CO to NC. Had a pleasant baby.
Husband traveled with this new job and missed all of this 2nd child's firsts.
Looked for new job. Got one and moved to OK (oh, and I was pregnant again.)
Had third baby girl! Got "fixed" and got settled.
When baby #3 was one and I wasn't pregnant and wasn't moving, I hit depression.
The best way I can describe the depression I felt was to compare myself to the character that Meg Ryan plays in "When a Man Loves a Woman." Only, I wasn't an alcoholic. I just felt like her. I wished I could turn to something to numb what I felt, but, thankfully, I had the Holy Spirit in me keeping me from turning toward those impulses. After a year on anti-depressants, I was freed from depression. You can read about that here.
Slowly over this past year, I have felt this discontentment within me that I don't know what to do with. I have written just bits about it on this blog. I called one of them bound and one resisting. I know that those are part of what I struggle with, but really it feels like something so much bigger.
I have discovered in my attempts to consider every trial pure joy and to try to pray through my wrong attitude toward my children that it is actually possible for me to cuss in the middle of a prayer. That makes me laugh when I tell my friends about it, but it makes me so sad that I could weep over what is actually within me. This unhappiness and unfulfillment that I can't get over is making me question so much. Each day I wake up and spend that necessary time in God's Word. I pray. I begin the numerous duties and begin the battle within me to find joy. I can't. I search on other Mom's blogs for words that will fix it. I can't find them. There is one mom that I think has come the closest. She says that she doesn't consider her children to be her enemies but sometimes mothering feels like an enemy. Er, maybe it's her expectations that are her enemies. I totally relate to that way of thinking. I was just telling my Dad that I think it's hard to be around sin ALL day long. They are three little sinners that I feel responsible for and when they make the wrong choices, it just frustrates me to sit and watch (or listen to) it. We have to continually die to our selves each day and numerous times each day. I have learned that a lot of my struggles stemmed from selfishness. So, putting my "self" aside and still feeling the way I do made me see that there was more.
I can sit down and scrapbook pictures of my kiddos, smiling as I lay them out on a page or watch my screen saver scroll through many wonderful memories with their darling little faces and truly see that they are God's blessings. I "know" all of that in my head. But there is nothing more frustrating to me than waking up every morning not liking the job I do and the person I feel that I am becoming because of not liking it.
So, I'm done writing about it for now. Praying for change. If you are reading this, pray for me. I know that in my weakness, God is my Strength. I know He is my portion. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I just pray that I will feel it first hand instead of just knowing it in my head!