Sunday, January 14, 2007

My Chains are Gone

So, Nick and I volunteered to take 11 college-aged kids to the Passion Conference in Atlanta, GA on Jan. 1-4! We signed up to lead this team basically because of Nick’s heart for ministry. He’s been leading a Sunday night college group (very small) over at my parents house and conversations led to the idea of us taking a group.
Okay, so this event. It was life-changing, totally amazing…..for EVERYONE there. Just so you know there were 24,000 people there. To even be in the same room with 20,000 praising our God would have been enough to change me. But, God had to go and do so much more. I accidentally forgot to take my Zoloft (I was up to 100mg/day.) So, in a panic I call my Dr. and they fax a prescription in to a pharmacy in downtown Atlanta. I go to pick it up only to find out that because it was earlier than usual insurance wouldn’t pay for the generic causing it to cost a whopping $10.99 per pill. I was only there 3 nights and 4 days. So, I decided to push through any withdrawals until I made it home. Then God started using the Messages during the main sessions of this event to challenge me right where I am in life. I’m going to make this part of the long story short. The long stuff would be for me to repeat all that the various speakers said….the short part is what I ultimately heard. I have fallen out of love with Jesus. I was putting Nick up as a god in my life. My very own husband was becoming my salvation. I wanted him to fix all my “mommy��? problems. I thought it not fair that he got to go off and have a heart for ministry while I merely survived each day at home with the children. God was changing my thinking. Showing me how to Love Him and depend on Him. I had had people tell me that what I was going through was something spiritual, but my heart and head would get so hardened because it felt so judgmental to receive those statements when I was suffering so. I needed God to tell it to me in His own AH-Mazing way. He did. He chose the Passion07 Conference to get me alone without my children or my meds to hold my heart and help me heal. After some smaller sessions, I learned even more about myself. I hadn’t just turned my eyes from Jesus; I was against the idea of being used by Him for anything. I didn’t want to be used by Him because I couldn’t even do this training my children thing correctly. So, now I have a willing heart about ministry and our future. I’ve so rested in the fact that I am His and I will go and do what He tells me to do. Upon return… know……to LIFE. (Where the kids still make messes and argue and the dog still chews on important things and sleep gets interrupted) I am doing so much better. I still have not taken a Zoloft since Dec. 31, 2006. I went through some crazy brain jitters for over a week. But, I cry now and that feels good. I worship now with my emotions involved and that feels GREAT! I am hanging on to the ride of life with three small children, but I’m learning to praise God through it. I bought a new Bible that I am most excited about. I had such familiarity in my old Bible and I was ready to read things as if I were reading them for the first time in my life. What a journey the beginning of my New Year has brought. I just knew that you could rejoice with me and the change God is doing in me!

No comments: