Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sometimes I Lay on my Foundation

I don't know where to begin? As always, I have wonderful things to say about our God. He is so good. He is so faithful. AND, I don't know where I would be without Him and without the foundation that sometimes I fall on rather than stand on.

I just noticed that it's been a week since I posted. We returned from my half and two days later, got blasted by a storm that has kept me in very close proximity with my girls. I have noticed over the last few months that their bickering has gotten worse. I know there is sibling rivalry. And I know that the fighting that occurs daily can be normal. But, to get a report that their fighting was bad and noticeable did two things for me:
1. Validated my feelings of being so annoyed by the sounds of their constant fights.
2. Made me sad that to hear that it just might be worse than other families. (I know comparing is bad, but in this case it was good for me and here's why!)

It has opened my eyes to what my girls are picking up from their different surrounding. I am in the praying stages of what to do about this.

I desire to share about what happened a couple of nights ago. I fell over weeping and in a fetal position at the realization that as a mother, I basically wear a mask. For those of you that REALLY know me, know that I am so against ANY masks. I believe that we should keep all masks away and be who we are. I'm in a Catch 22 with my girls because I don't want them to know my struggle in order to protect them because it is not their fault that I struggle. But, I want to be real so they really know me and can feel safe with me. Thus the reason for my "mothering" mask that I wear daily. I felt so defeated that night and curled up and cried it off. In that moment of emotion, it felt so defeating. There really was nothing left to do about it, so I went to bed. When I awoke and read my Bible, I "happened" to read Psalm 30. Really? How perfect and beautiful were these verses for me?
5b " Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
9 What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

He did not leave me in that fetal position! He gave me joy in the morning! And it is so that here, (on my blog anyway), I can say praises to Him and not be SILENT!!!! He was there with me in the fetal position with all my emotion and He was there with me when I woke up and needed to obediently place the motherhood mask back on my face!

Sledding pictures to come!!!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Half Marathon!!!!

Here's how it played out:
I got sick over Christmas in Colorado, so really, training in particular for this half didn't happen. I got even sicker the week leading up to today. I think it's strep throat. Since we are between jobs/insurance, a trip to a doctor wasn't an option.
We arrive at the start line with 15 minutes to spare. Then, the winds that were blowing through Austin were blowing all the barricades down causing the Austin police department to delay the start by an HOUR. So, we stand and wait for an hour. Hunger sets it. Core gets nice and cold. Not an ideal start, but at least we finally started after they went through and re-marked all the hazardous holes in other ways. I can't really see that starting after standing for an hour is the best, but it's how we did it. Now, this particular run is just FAST. We were at the front. Big mistake when you're not a FAST runner. This means you get passed the ENTIRE time. (kind of defeating feeling)
So, I ran a nice 9 minute mile for the first 5 miles. After that I settled into a slower rhythm. At around mile 10 I had a coughing spell that I thought would worry everyone around me. But, I didn't have to stop :) The last mile was so hard and so slow for me that I wondered how in the world I could possibly do twice this distance in just 3 months! I did actually sprint across the finish line and set my PR!!! I did it in 2:06 :)
My throat started hurting shortly after and I'm just thrilled that I wasn't sick with a fever in a hotel bed in Austin, but that I got to go out and start and finish my first Half Marathon! Fun Times....
Here are some pics :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I don't feel like I've ever really "trained" for anything. Sure, I've had goals or events to make it to with deadlines. But, I never recall "training." So, here I am three weeks into training for this marathon and I can't get over how many spiritual parallels can be drawn from this process.

2 Timothy 4:7 comes to mind.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

I could possibly quote that at the end of my race in April, but will I be able to quote it at the end of my life?

With a 16 week beginner's training program, I can see what I've done, what I need to do and most importantly, I can see the end!!! I've heard it said that the training is harder than the actual marathon. But, as I plug that verse into the concept of training in my life, I quickly realize why I haven't trained for anything. I'm not good at it. I can look at where I am in my life as a training schedule with motherhood. Currently I've got 9 years down and 12 1/2 to go. We all know that Motherhood doesn't "end" when the last one is out of the house, but that is the end date I'm using for my story to work here ;)

Seriously, can I just vent about how long I have to go? I thought the pre-school years were the hardest and physically they WERE. But, the constant bickering and sibling rivalry and snotty attitudes is making me wonder if I could say such things... I've fought the good fight, I've finished the race, I've kept the faith. Right now, all I see myself saying is: "I have questioned IF I can do this anymore. I have thought about walking out. I have exploded and been a bad example. And all this is taken from 2nd Opinion 2:17

Staying focused on the prize is what will get me there. I know that we are to fix our eyes on Jesus. Sometimes the look I have fixed on him is as bad as the look on my children's faces. Of course, now that I think about it, training for a marathon is NOTHING like the training I'm in as a mother. I have realized as a Mom that there is NOTHING I can do apart from Christ. I will fail every single time in every single instance with my girls if it weren't for the Spirit that lives and dwells within me. A marathon.... now that can be done physically apart from Christ's help. Oh, I've just messed up my whole spiritual analogy.

I think what's really happening here is that I had two topics to write about. The fact that I'm in a training program for a marathon and the fact that I'm in a really difficult place as a mother. Rather than deleting, I'm leaving my story out there because I feel like it accurately depicts where I am today!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Ugly Side

We all have them. Today my ugly side is all I see. It almost feels as if my internal hard-drive within my body has wires crossed. Things aren't connecting or making much sense. Emotions. are. out. of. control.
So, it's what to do when I feel like this?

Throw the towel in? Sleep? Take a pill? Get drunk? Read a book? Cry? Those are just a few options that cross my mind! So, this time, instead of doing any of those options, I thought I'd try writing. Vulnerably. I'm really always vulnerable on here, but I also use getting control of my emotions as about my only filter. I simply haven't been able to today, so I'm here.

I don't understand why little things are the big things to me during such times. I thought I'd have more time to write about this, but really, what more is there to say? Plus, it's time for me to attend our Saturday night church service. I don't "want" to go. I know I "should/need" to go, so therefore, I'm going.

Sorry such a strange post, but there ya have it!!!!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Twenty Ten

It's not going to take new resolutions to make our year look different. Nick got a new job. We knew that as the end of the year approached, so did our season with Young Life. I am sad about this. When we sold our house and downsized to a smaller one for the cause of going into ministry, I was ready for life. I was sold out. I was committed. And Young Life felt like family. When Nick first started the job, Young Life came out with a slogan that said, "You were made for this!" And he was.
We knew going into it that it was a job created for him to try. Try he did. Succeed he did. But, there simply were not enough funds to keep him on past that two year commitment. So, with all of that said... for the past few months after going to reduced pay and not knowing if there would be enough funds for him to stay with Young Life, he got a couple of other jobs. He was teaching a spin class at the Y!!! He was also working a few hours at Starbucks.
This is where the story gets to be pretty amazing.
God ordained it that a "Regular" there would notice him and end up pursuing him to come along his journey in starting a new company! I am not going to include all the details of that on here, but I will say that as I assessed my heart in the journey of trusting God with all that we have and our willingness to go where He wanted and do what He wanted, it's a beautiful and amazing thing for me to look back at how he orchestrated for these two guys to meet. I'm excited and nervous about this next year.
It will require more time away from family.... something I've NEVER liked or even handled all that well. But, I am excited to watch my husband grow in this new position!!!

Twenty Ten, 2010 or the most recent way I've seen our trendy generation call it: MMX was a year that I thought would look different.... flying automobiles at least. My different is not always the different it turns out to be! I'm wise, huh? Well, I do hope you all had a great turn of the New Year celebration. This year holds a couple big milestones for me. I will be doing my first half marathon at the end of this month and my first full in April. We'll see what other firsts I may have. While resolutions are for some of you, I pray that we all just simply grow in our relationship with God in leaps and bounds this year!