Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sometimes I Lay on my Foundation

I don't know where to begin? As always, I have wonderful things to say about our God. He is so good. He is so faithful. AND, I don't know where I would be without Him and without the foundation that sometimes I fall on rather than stand on.

I just noticed that it's been a week since I posted. We returned from my half and two days later, got blasted by a storm that has kept me in very close proximity with my girls. I have noticed over the last few months that their bickering has gotten worse. I know there is sibling rivalry. And I know that the fighting that occurs daily can be normal. But, to get a report that their fighting was bad and noticeable did two things for me:
1. Validated my feelings of being so annoyed by the sounds of their constant fights.
2. Made me sad that to hear that it just might be worse than other families. (I know comparing is bad, but in this case it was good for me and here's why!)

It has opened my eyes to what my girls are picking up from their different surrounding. I am in the praying stages of what to do about this.

I desire to share about what happened a couple of nights ago. I fell over weeping and in a fetal position at the realization that as a mother, I basically wear a mask. For those of you that REALLY know me, know that I am so against ANY masks. I believe that we should keep all masks away and be who we are. I'm in a Catch 22 with my girls because I don't want them to know my struggle in order to protect them because it is not their fault that I struggle. But, I want to be real so they really know me and can feel safe with me. Thus the reason for my "mothering" mask that I wear daily. I felt so defeated that night and curled up and cried it off. In that moment of emotion, it felt so defeating. There really was nothing left to do about it, so I went to bed. When I awoke and read my Bible, I "happened" to read Psalm 30. Really? How perfect and beautiful were these verses for me?
5b " Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
9 What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

He did not leave me in that fetal position! He gave me joy in the morning! And it is so that here, (on my blog anyway), I can say praises to Him and not be SILENT!!!! He was there with me in the fetal position with all my emotion and He was there with me when I woke up and needed to obediently place the motherhood mask back on my face!

Sledding pictures to come!!!!


Mari said...

Maybe we can lay our mothering masks down when they're grown up so that then we can show them that that mask was for their protection and our growth...?? And How sweet that it may bring us closer to them...especially our girls...bonded in the struggle and mask of mothering...
Loved the verses and God's provision for you the next morning.

Mimi said...

Thank you for always sharing so openly. I can tell you that you are a treasure to me and I can remember crying out to the LORD when it was rough-going with you four!!!

Nikkie said...

love ya girl. hang glad He's faithful!