Life seems to be pretty good. By appearance there would be no real reason to have sorrow. My children are healthy and there is nothing but progression on their report cards. My husband is doing what he was made for in a ministry that he loves. Our life feels as if it's running smoothly.
Yet, I have an ache within that I can never deny or pretend away. I usually say that this is just the Spirit within me preparing me for my real home. I am just an alien here and this is not my home.
But, a further look into my heart reveals that I not happy. My joy has been misplaced. I am not talking about "depression" which I know all too well. I am sharing about this deep within place of my heart that is not satisfied with where I am.
Why is it that we are meanest to those that are closest to us? What kind of power trip am I on that allows me to not display kindness in my face to my children? I am struggling (once again) with the kind of Mother I am. More specifically, the kind of Mother my children see. Because on the inside I feel like I am so much more than what I consistently offer them. This ache is so cyclical. I work hard at teaching, training and disciplining and when I see the wrong choices being made, I feel failure. Inevitably what follows is my desire to "throw the towel in." Why try so hard to teach when they choose wrong anyway?
This yuckiness of motherhood has my heart in a sad and unhappy place tonight.