Tuesday, November 4, 2008

My Heart

Life seems to be pretty good. By appearance there would be no real reason to have sorrow. My children are healthy and there is nothing but progression on their report cards. My husband is doing what he was made for in a ministry that he loves. Our life feels as if it's running smoothly.

Yet, I have an ache within that I can never deny or pretend away. I usually say that this is just the Spirit within me preparing me for my real home. I am just an alien here and this is not my home.

But, a further look into my heart reveals that I not happy. My joy has been misplaced. I am not talking about "depression" which I know all too well. I am sharing about this deep within place of my heart that is not satisfied with where I am.

Why is it that we are meanest to those that are closest to us? What kind of power trip am I on that allows me to not display kindness in my face to my children? I am struggling (once again) with the kind of Mother I am. More specifically, the kind of Mother my children see. Because on the inside I feel like I am so much more than what I consistently offer them. This ache is so cyclical. I work hard at teaching, training and disciplining and when I see the wrong choices being made, I feel failure. Inevitably what follows is my desire to "throw the towel in." Why try so hard to teach when they choose wrong anyway?

This yuckiness of motherhood has my heart in a sad and unhappy place tonight.


Chelle said...

And yet, because we know the ache of parenting, we get to understand God's heart better. The way we feel towards our children? God is even more so. "Why? I have shown you the way, just follow it, for it is blessed!" But, we stubbornly go on our own course. Yep, mother's, I think, understand God's heart rather well.

Mari Fontana said...

I am so sorry...and I know all too well the feeling. That is when I must relly on His grace. And trust that He can redeem my shortcomings. I apologize ALOT!

Mimi said...

I have a question for you? I don't know if we have ever talked about this and this may not be the place....BUT....do you remember me with a sad heart, and a frustrated, disappointed look on my face when you were 4, 6, 7, 9??? Whatever? Well, I certainly had those days, too, in the day in and day out grind of "mothering"!!!

colorfulwoman said...

hey friend! Miss you:) Recently God has reached a place deep within me with the purest Truth of Himself in a deep cavern I didn't even know was there. I know the feeling of a persistent ache of the heart. I have had that for years, it was like my heart just "hurt" so often for no apparent reason. Recently God revealed some things to me (email me and I will share what) that have been lodged down deep for years and years. He was waiting there until the appointed time to deal, I believe. Now His light is shining in and bringing healing in ways I could never dream up. i still struggle with many things, but I will say, I havn't had the ache like I did since we began this process. Maybe the ache you feel is from a place inside that God is waiting. Maybe not, but either way, I am praying for you that whatever each day brings for you, you will continue to cling to Him as he makes you strong!