Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Pain

I am stuck in a pain that feels inescapable. God in His Sovereignty planned for me to go to San Antonio on Friday. I would have never booked this trip if it weren't for a dear friend, Emily, inviting me. Because of my desire to see her, I planned the trip.

After 33 days at camp feeling like a single parent, I so desired some time away. But instead, God had me here to be with my sister as we make decisions and pick up the pieces of their now broken family. Yet, the trip is still there around the corner. Feelings of guilt for leaving and feelings of desperation for needing to go collide within me. My children have absorbed my emotions and regurgitated the anger they've seen.

At camp, I had many times that I struggled through disciplining them alone and in a strange environment. And now, here at home, I struggle to rightly teach them. I don't get it. I am plugging in to the Word of God every morning. I am trying to fill myself with Him and His truths in order to sustain me through my day. But, I am sad to say that there is no evidence of Him or His Spirit in my actions. I have given in to the emotion that is so strong within me. The awful emotion of anger. My eyes are flooded and my heart feels a combination of numbness and pain. I don't want to be angry. I long to just smile at my girls. Why does that have to be so hard for me?

Father~ I need You! What I have learned from you in the Light is now carrying me through this darkness. I know you are faithful to your promises. I know that what I have learned about you is true. And because of that I have hope. I have hope that I will make it through such a difficult time as this. Give me what I need to build my house up rather than tear it down. God, why don't I turn to you first? Do I not believe that You can fix this? I know that you are all-powerful even by the way that I capitalize Your Name. I humbly confess that I can do NOTHING apart from you. Use me. Teach me. Change me. Help me. Save me from myself. <><

8 comments:

Mari Fontana said...

Sounds like your right in between the rock and the hard place and both are getting bigger and tighter. It is soooooo very hard to keep our cool with the kids when we are so emotionally drained. And my sister in Christ it sounds like that is exactly what your are...drained. As hard as it may be to leave your sister right now, it may be the best thing to go and be refreshed. Go and let the Holy Spirit just give you rest and food, so that you can come back and have what you need for all that is going on around you. I will pray for you and all that is going on. Our kids have an amazing ability to forgive! And they will hug back when hugged.

Constance said...

Without sounding like some broken-down Christian cliche, you are right where God needs you to be right now.

I have found that I have grown the most during the times where I feel as if I am lucky just to be able to tread water! I have been "stuck" many times in my life.

My most recent "unanswered questions" phase of my life, my chronic auto-immune disorder that I am "stuck" in, has benefitted me spiritually in ways I never knew possible! I have chosen to be thankful for the opportunity that God has given me in that, I can experience Him more fully. It still sucks however to be in treatment for this thing!

Beth Moore herself taught me something I never thought of. I believe it was in "Beloved Disciple" when she references Moses being held in the cleft of the rock so that God's glory can pass before him. Sometimes that's what we need to.

We need to allow God to hide us away while He goes before us! I LOVE that thought!

San Antonio will be incredible and God Himself has something VERY special intended for ALL of us, especially you!

Connie

The Ballinger Family said...

Sending prayers and ((hugs)) your way.

Heather said...

You DO need to get away. I'm glad San Antonio is where you're doing it! I just wish I could go with you! :) Love you, my friend!

Chelle said...

Glad you are going. Enjoy the time away and the opportunity to let others just pour into you. Go get filled up.

soonercolby said...

Oh, friend, I'm so so so sorry... I was praying for this trip to be one of refreshment. May the Lord still refresh you despite the change in plans!

Mimi said...

How well you know that I know your struggle about leaving. This has been a difficult week for me in being so far away, and yet, at the same time, He has restored my soul in unimaginable ways. The beauty of Jackson Hole and the surrounding mountains, Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Teton National Park, the wild animals, the beautiful trees, the fresh air.......but mostly the time with Him has been so refreshing for me. This will be great for you to be lavishly graced by His love from all your sisters in Him. Enjoy!!! I love you more, Mom!!

Staceystace said...

Rachel, as Mark and I were having dinner on Saturday night, he asked me if I was pleased that the weekend was all I hoped it would be. I said, 'YES! except one thing - I wanted to chat with Rachel. I went on to tell him about your ministry and the time you've had at camp. Then I said, 'I feel like I know her and just wanted to talk in person.' Maybe next time! Love ya, siesta.