After 33 days at camp feeling like a single parent, I so desired some time away. But instead, God had me here to be with my sister as we make decisions and pick up the pieces of their now broken family. Yet, the trip is still there around the corner. Feelings of guilt for leaving and feelings of desperation for needing to go collide within me. My children have absorbed my emotions and regurgitated the anger they've seen.
At camp, I had many times that I struggled through disciplining them alone and in a strange environment. And now, here at home, I struggle to rightly teach them. I don't get it. I am plugging in to the Word of God every morning. I am trying to fill myself with Him and His truths in order to sustain me through my day. But, I am sad to say that there is no evidence of Him or His Spirit in my actions. I have given in to the emotion that is so strong within me. The awful emotion of anger. My eyes are flooded and my heart feels a combination of numbness and pain. I don't want to be angry. I long to just smile at my girls. Why does that have to be so hard for me?
Father~ I need You! What I have learned from you in the Light is now carrying me through this darkness. I know you are faithful to your promises. I know that what I have learned about you is true. And because of that I have hope. I have hope that I will make it through such a difficult time as this. Give me what I need to build my house up rather than tear it down. God, why don't I turn to you first? Do I not believe that You can fix this? I know that you are all-powerful even by the way that I capitalize Your Name. I humbly confess that I can do NOTHING apart from you. Use me. Teach me. Change me. Help me. Save me from myself. <><