New

I like new! This is why I rearrange often. I only rearranged my study today, but the newness is refreshing. I gave my blog a new look as well (as I had to get rid of my Christmas template since it is over!)

With this "new" template, I put one of my favorite verses up under my blog title. It is Phil. 4:8. As I desire to think on things that are right, pure, lovely and admirable; I realized this might change the tone somewhat of my blog. I have a tendency to be so very transparent that it can come across as negative.

I think there is a fine line here. I want to be an encouragement to anyone who reads these words. I want the lessons I learn to somehow help other people. I want to glorify God in the midst of any difficulty. But, how to do all of this without sounding like I'm moaning and complaining about the things that are hard for me? I have been rather silent on this blog these past 3 weeks as I'm prayerfully seeking an answer to this.

I was reading Paul's words in Romans 7 this morning and feel like he was being transparent without sounding like a 'complainer'. So, as I write (in the future) I will be prayerful with my words so as to encourage and lift up anyone who reads as well as display God's strength and power in my life for HIS glory!

My bout with pride

The bible tells me this:

Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 1:31

As I have watched the hand of God clearly display His plan for us to be here in Oklahoma, I have had my socks blown off. As one who wants to boast only the Lord, I give HIM all the glory for keeping us here, for giving us two job offers in two weeks, for growing us up spiritually, for testing my "trusting God" muscles and for His provision.

A terrible taste of pride surfaced as I thought through my heart and attitude about living in Colorado. Wanting to be back in CO stemmed from pride for me. I have always had a Colorado pride that I knew was there. When I'd be on a ski lift (when I lived there) that pride would well up within me when asked "where are you from?". Now, when I visit and am on the lift and asked the same question, I find myself wanting to explain that I "used to" live in CO. There are many more examples that prove that I have pride about the actual place and it is wrong. It is distasteful to me.

God had to deal with me in this area to show me that it is about being where HE wants me and where HE can be most glorified. Where others can see more of HIM. It is about HIM and not about me. I get that now.

In Everything Give Thanks!!!

If I had updated this blog every single time a change was made from my last entry, there would have been a LOT of posts that would have documented this journey in a different way. Since I didn't, I'll start with how I've felt holding all of this in.

This has been an incredibly difficult whirlwind of a roller-coaster ride we've been on. Once I began to process or even "deal" with our move, a change was made. Then a conversation took place, then a thought, then something to pray on, then a dangling carrot, then another offer, then.... well, you get the picture. It has been challenging to hang on and stay intact for the whole family.

So, with that said, I've just had difficulty existing in all of this myself that I have left NO room for anyone else to be caught up in the process.

May I first begin with saying that GOD is so Good! He alone is Good. I see His Goodness. I feel His Peace. I trust Him completely.

Okay, next I need to just state the news: We are staying in Oklahoma and taking a job here. Inevitably that leaves most people scratching their heads at what God was doing on the Colorado Springs side. Well, that's for another post.

For today, for this post, I want to explain about the process of making this choice.

Most people that know us, know that for six plus years, it has been our desire to move back to Colorado. It is where our hearts were. Or so we thought....

I must say that my heart is here. It is here where God has planted us and allowed us to grow in so many relationships and in so many different ways. Telling our news of moving to CO and watching bewildered faces was one of the first signs that maybe we weren't supposed to just up and leave. I can't tell you how overwhelming it was to watch people feel loss for us (as a family) when we shared the news.

Then, you have the whole timing issue of our recent move. I believe that God led us to this house on this street and in this neighborhood. We are unquestionably where God wants us in this place. I mean, really? We just moved here six months ago!
As we began praying specifically about a move to CO or staying right here where we are, God showed us how he was already at work in and through us, here in Edmond. At that point, we decided to pursue job opportunities we had heard about in OKC. In a way that only God can confirm a thing, He provided a job that was just that; a confirmation so BIG, so GLARING, so OBVIOUS that we couldn't miss it!

What a process! What a journey! So it is bittersweet to tell you how excited we are about our future here in OK while at the same time letting go of the idea of living in Colorado!

Stupefied!

stupefied-
1. Make (someone) unable to think or feel properly.
2. Astonish and shock.

This is how I feel. Stupefied. Nick is currently sitting at a desk in an office in downtown Colorado Springs. I am sitting at our house in Edmond, OK while are children are away at school. This school is a place where they will only be for 19 more school days. Then, I'll pull them out and drive them to Colorado on their "Winter Break" and start them at a school in CO.

Meanwhile, the clock ticks and I sit here stupefied. I'd write more about how I feel but the definition of the word alone reveals that I'm unable to even do that properly. I am astonished and shocked and cannot pinpoint my feelings.

We're moving. We've done that a lot, but never like this. Never this fast. Never this quickly after moving. Never in separate stages where he's there and I'm not. Never in the middle of a school year.

Don't know what else to say.

Holiday Plans

I don't even know where to begin. I am using this post to do an announcement that will save me many long phone conversations.... I'm not much of a phone person. I'll first list the facts for those that don't want long details!

The facts:

1. Nick resigned from his job on November 2.

2. Nick had an interview with a company in Colorado Springs on November 12.

3. November 13, today... we are deciding to take the job and try to do the move over Christmas Break.



The details:

God began working in Nick's heart about what he was made to do. He learned what he was not made to do, which is sales. Having an honest conversation with his boss, they mutually decided that he should no longer continue on in the job he was doing. This mutual decision did leave us high and dry and trusting God. I began to look at life with a different perspective. I grocery shopped with a mentality of necessity, not luxury. I flexed the trusting-God-muscles I had been training over the past two years in the book, "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges.

It is so evident that the Lord's hand was orchestrating the details of getting this company in touch with Nick. Nick's entire purpose for this last job he was in (hind's sight) was to prepare and equip him to do the job he will be doing with this new company.

For six years we have lived in Oklahoma with a burning desire to return to Colorado. But now that it is here, we are definitely feeling the bittersweetness of such a desire being fulfilled. We LOVE the people we have been surrounded by and doing life with. My heart is so grateful for the relationships the Lord has allowed during my time here.

There is a temptation to give in to anxiety. Since I see God's Providential Hand in all of this, I choose to trust Him and trust the process of what He is doing. I feel like once I post this, it all becomes real and official. Wow! If you are reading this, please pray for our family over the next six weeks or so during this transition.

Hanging My Hat

In April of 2009, I watched my friend cross the finish line of a marathon and I was inspired. Most of you know that I went on to buy some running shoes and become a girls who runs. I began my year of 2010 with my first 1/2 Marathon in Austin, TX! Then I incorporated a local 10k into part of my training for the full marathon that I ran in April. And then, this past sunday, I ran another 1/2 in Denver, CO.



As this week has gone by, I've flipped through my running magazines to see if anything catches my attention for what's next on my running radar. I've concluded that it's time to hang my hat for events for 2010. It's been an amazing year and I hope to start topping this year with even better ones to come!

I've learned so much in devoting time to prepare for long distance running event. I know I've mentioned most of it here on this blog. Today, I'm thankful that I got to have a full year of health allowing me to be in a place where I could train for and complete such events.

God, thanks for allowing my body to perform these fun endeavors. Thank you for the wisdom that I've been exposed to just through the men that have devoted their lives to preaching your Word. I thank you for Andy Stanley, Matt Chandler and Francis Chan who have correctly handled your Word and been faithful to deliver the message you give to them week after week. Thank you for the technological advancements that allow me to have such sermons so accessible to me during the hours spent running. May I always hold running with an open hand to you. Take it away anytime you see fit. Allow me to continue to do it if it brings you the most honor and glory!

And, with that, my hat is hung for now ;)

Buddy Tape

Over the summer, on a water skiing trip, I sprained my finger. It only hurt right when I did it and I never thought about it again. Until I lifted pillows off of my bed and the finger easily slipped, straining that same ligament again. For months, I would "baby" that finger in hopes that I could quit re-inuring it. It kept happening and kept making me mad. At one point, I tried a finger splint but felt stiffening pain that just didn't feel right.

So, finally after three months, I had a "final blow" where I swiped it the wrong way and the pain told me that I was going to continue to sprain it all too easily if I didn't do whatever I needed to do to let it heal.

That day, I attempted to "buddy tape" my fingers. Two days later, I swiped it again WITH the tape on. That's when I realized I must have had it taped wrong. So, I googled how to buddy tape fingers together and did it as instructed.

Here is what is interesting to me about this whole ordeal. I've had a finger injury, a problem that has needed to be dealt with, since July. Only now, in October have I taken action and done something about it. Well, stiff taped up fingers, I have found is definitely something people notice and ask about. EVERYONE I see has asked what happened to my finger.

I find it curious in answering because I have injured it on so many occasions, I don't really know where to begin.

But, plugging this in to a spiritual analogy, I see that people can be walking around with all sorts of problems or injuries that need to be dealt with. When you finally see a splint or medical tape on them, it is the indicator that something has gone wrong and needs to be made right.

Something that no one knew I was suffering from or dealing with is now made known. Hmmm... how many of us see people every day and don't notice the ache or the actions that could reveal a need for some "buddy tape?" So, as my finger heals and the questions about it keep on coming, you can know that I have on my mind that we all need to bandage some other ache or pain in our lives to allow for healing to take place. :)

Sibling Rivalry Solution

Do you have siblings? Did you grow up not liking them then, but do now? I know everybody's story is different. Me? I am the youngest of four. They were mean to me. There was fighting. There was dislike among us. In fact, we didn't get to be friends until we became adults. So, why try so hard to get my children to get along and like each other when my story is similar to so many others?

I'd rather them just accept the not liking each other, but keep a peace in this home until they are mature enough to get along on their own doing. Forcing them to hug or say "I love you" or even look at each other with kind faces feels impossible.

So........

I came up with a saying that I hung on my refrigerator this morning. It can really be applied to any relationship we are currently in:



I wanted to say "You can't change each other", but I don't like using the "can't" word when teaching. So, we'll see how that goes. :)

Now I "Get It!"

I have struggled for years with having a goal of trying to be "Christ-like" in my actions. Seriously. I would try so hard to do things the way He did, or respond the way He would. You know the whole: "WWJD (what would Jesus do?)" thing. I have often thrown my hands up in frustration of why we go after the unattainable goal of trying to imitate HIM!

The exhaustion that comes from experiencing defeat in whatever area of weakness you have is overwhelming. I've accepted over the years that this is just the way it is.....


.....until now....


....I kind of want you to go download Andy Stanley's Character Under Construction (Part 2) from iTunes first and then read the rest of this...... He says it so well. I so "Get IT" now.

I can't do (fill in the blank), but HE CAN!!!! The key is to: ABIDE.

Stay close. Don't think in terms of imitating HIM, think in terms of uninterrupted fellowship! Stay grafted in so that He produces fruit THROUGH us, not IN is. It's about viewing your entire Christian life in pure relationship. Allowing Him to live His life through us. We have huge holes and gaps and flaws in our character and we can't bridge the gap. He can do it through us!

Three things to remember when thinking about "abiding":
1. Think and act relationally, not religiously.
2. Focus on association and not imitation. You can't imitate Jesus.
3. I can't, but HE CAN through me.

I know I can't be a great unselfish Mother. But, He can through me. I will wake up in the morning and not be surprised by the area of my "trouble". I know where I'm tempted. I will look at the potential battle and anticipate it and I will pray:

Lord, today I can't deal with being a mother. But, I know that you can through me. * Amen *

Sanctification is slow....

I ran to my parents house this morning. It usually takes 20 minutes in the car. It took almost 2 hours. It got me thinking about how our 10 hour drive to CO is only a short 1:15 flight.

In knowing there are quicker ways to get places because of the advancements that have been made by mankind, I wonder if this isn't why we struggle with the sanctification process so much?

I have been a believer for 31 of my 35 years of life. I've chosen to walk in His ways, Study His Word and follow Him with my life for over 15 of those years. So, I feel like I would expect to be further along in that Holiness, sanctified process! How much harder it seems it is for the new believer in this age to want to "get there" by such a quicker route!

Do you think that the people who lived before automobiles had a keener sense of spiritual growth because they didn't have and instant gratification problem like we do?

I wonder!!!!

Perspective

Having a road closed can be such a nuisance......

when you are a driver seeking the fastest route.

But, when you are a runner wanting solitude on a stretch of road..... it is like royal treatment!!!!

What may be bad or painful to someone else could actually be a blessing to another. Perspective. I always am in need of it.

It is a sad thing for me to confess and admit that the reason I haven't been posting on my blog lately is because I've had NOTHING positive or uplifting to say. I could sadly report each day the state my heart has been in, but I do NOT want to be a complainer. So, I remain silent. The silence is staring me in the face as I continually turn my computer on and read other people's insights.

Today, on this run where I gained a wonderful perspective on having a road closed nearby, I realized my need for a bit of perspective on my struggles.

LORD, right now, I only know in my head that in you there is victory! I know and trust that you love me. I feel like the job I have is too difficult for me? Whether it is perspective or brokenness or tragedy that you need to give me, I ask for it. I canNOT keep on thinking that the "road closed sign" is such a bummer. I am ready to have YOUR perspective on things!

Exactly!

i went to post some variation of my frustrations tonight and before posting, decided to read my recent posts from other friends. This is all that really needs to be said of my night. Thanks Nikkie!!!!

When what you’re dealing with seems just not right.

Or the pain seems too intense to bear.

If the end of the story is unknown

and the water you’re treading threatens to take what seems to be your very breath.

Do me a favor, ok?

Hold on.

Don’t let go.

Do the next thing.

Lean heavily on Him.

And keep moving, please.

For tomorrow?

Well, it’s a new day.

And there’s One who holds it when your grip is slipping.

That pain you’re bearing? He can handle the load.

He’ll keep the water in just the right spot so that even though the choking and sputtering continues, you will not drown.

You will not drown.

Because He sees the end of the story.

His plan is in process.

And the grip holding, the load bearing, the near drowning?

They will have a bittersweet flavor as the end of this story turns the corner.

Promise.

Hang on, friend.

Hang on.

Freshly mowed weeds

When we moved in to this new house at the beginning of the summer, we inherited a major weed problem in both the front and back yard. I'm talking crabgrass like you've never seen it before. It's nearly impossible to see any signs of bermuda grass growing in the midst of this overpowering weed. So, we're tackling it and have hired people to kill it in hopes that next year our yard will look decent.

It's strange, but something magical happens in me when I walk out to our freshly mowed crabgrass..... I am happy! For a moment, I feel like we have a normal yard. It's green and it's short. For about a day, I feel okay about our weed problem because it just doesn't look that bad.

I went on a run today and listened to a podcast that taught on our sin nature. I believe that my sin nature is much like the roots of this crabgrass. If I'm not poisoning the weed or pulling it up by it's root, I'm not getting rid of the weed at all. By merely mowing across the top of it, I just disguise it's identity until time reveals it's there and never went anywhere.

The seed of healthy bermuda grass has been planted in my heart. I see that as the Holy Spirit. Have you ever tried pulling Bermuda grass up by it's roots? Dang! It's really hard. Harder than crabgrass, actually. I have much evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life, but my nasty flesh shoots up and can change the whole look entirely. While I know that I am not going to have a weedless life (or a sin-free life), I do know that dealing with my sin accurately can make a huge difference on the glory that is brought to God.

**sidenote** The way I handle my sin does not determine my eternity. The promise of heaven became mine when I put my trust in the fact that Jesus paid for all of my sin ONCE for all on the cross. So, when I talk about dealing with my flesh and and my sin on a daily basis, it is NOT to earn a righteous standing or anything special in my eternity. That is done and can't be tampered with. Jesus already paid it and God already sees me as righteous because of His Son. Rightly handling my sin is so that God can be glorified, others will see Him and I may have victory! **

Now, to the de-weeding process. I know that it will take time to have the Bermuda become what it seen rather than the Crabgrass in our yard. The killing off process is long. I have root sins that I am currently tackling in my own life. I want to deal with these sins SO THAT Christ may be seen in me and not my flesh. To God be the glory no matter what!

Satisfy

I'm one of those that "needs" coffee in the morning. It has always been the first thing I go to. Even to read the Bible, I "need" my coffee. So, on our recent camping trip in Colorado, for the first time out of all my camping, I didn't have to have "cowboy coffee" because who does that when VIA exists? I felt so spoiled having such a good cup of joe in a camping environment. Now I sound like a commercial for VIA or something. I'm not trying to sell it, I'm actually just babbling about my coffee addiction.

My real point is actually a sad point. It must be sad as I've sat and stared at the cursor cautioning the words in my head to sound right as I write them. Hmmm...... There are pretty much two different cups that I have in my hand on any given day. A coffee cup (up to 3 in the afternoon) and a wine glass (anytime after 5 in the evening.) Now, while the coffee is an everyday occurrence, the wine is not.

But, often enough that I am posing this question to myself:

Can only God satisfy me?

Oh, how wonderfully righteous I would sound if I said yes! But, I'm just not so sure. Do I LOVE and NEED God? YES. A resounding YES. But I'm really hung up on the word satisfaction. I know that God quenches things in me that only HE can. But are the wine and coffee habits quenching something else that I'm not allowing God to quench?

I'm putting these questions out there at the exact time of them entering my mind. With this all said.... for anyone to read, I wonder how many others have things in their lives that satisfy in ways that we believe HE can't. I'm curious. Do you have anything like that at all? Surely I'm not the only one. I may the only one that posts it on the internet for all to read, but what I do with it is the important part.

I find it interesting that I haven't posted since the end of July, and first post out of the shoot has me challenged. Well, I'll keep you updated on what God does with these issues on my very tender heart.

Love me some S'mores!!!!

So, from Angelfire, NM over the fourth of July to Lake Eufala last weekend, to camping in CO this next weekend..... I sure am getting my fix of s'mores!!! I simply LOVE a roasted, toasted marshmallow smooshed in with the rest of the well-known goodness of a smore!

But, the point of this post is not just to inform you of the amount of s'mores I've been enjoying. It is to communicate how rich I feel. We are so very privileged to get to experience these various trips and make such wonderful memories. Even in the midst of the playing referee for fighting children. Or continually spurring them on toward kindness. The hardship of training is rewarded when I finally do see moments where they are playing well, laughing together and developing healthy relationships.

Could my current contentment exist simply because of the circumstances around me being so calm at the moment of sitting down to write? Maybe. But, I believe it is much deeper. It comes from the HOPE that I have in our future. Our spiritual future. I know that heaven is a promised inheritance. I know that there is a richness there growing in my heart even now.

Even further than that, my contentment is also coming from this humble place of accepting that "I get it." Do you know what I mean? There are many people that claim to "be a Christian", "know the Lord" or "go to church". But how many people "get it"? According to scripture..... not many. In fact, if you look just at the parable of the seeds alone, only 25% "get it". Matthew 7:14 says: "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

The reason that I used the word "humble" is because I know that I "get it" simply because the Lord has revealed it to me. My prayer is that this tiny space called a blog may be used in some way as a place for more people to "get" or "see" that He is the only way and our only source for true contentment and richness in this world.

Wow! I never come across as preachy on here. I usually come across as unfiltered, honest and frustrated. Today, my heart is so full that I just want more people to know and experience life in this way!

Is It Just Me?

Maybe it's just mid-summer.
Maybe I haven't trained them well.
Maybe I was the centrality of their play-time in their early years.

But, really, all three of them? Okay, here it is: My children don't know how to entertain themselves.

Now, that I've said it, let me unload what I've felt ever since watching Toy Story 3. I heard that many Moms cried in the movie. I'm pretty sure that the part where my friends cried, came and went without emotion for me. I recognized it. But, the part where I had to hold back my tears that I fear could have led to wailing was where I watched a little girl play with her toys. She had imagination. She was happy with toys and time.

I know it's not just the movies. I've seen real-life children play with toys. So, what is wrong in the house? I do un-plugged time and they are mis.er.a.ble.

I don't ever remember as a child, the boredom that my children speak of. I loved to play. I actually loved to be left alone with a ton of time. No expiration on the play time I had. Summer. I loved summer. There were lazy days. Creative days. Plum-tuckered out days. I just don't remember the misery that my children seem to be experiencing when I "make" them play.

And, now, as an adult...... GIVE IT TO ME! Playtime. Non-stop play. Reading a book. Doing a project (that's a grown up term for craft.) Being outside.

I don't know if it's just me, but I actually had to lecture my children today on "playing."
It went something like this:

"Boredom is a choice. Did you see how the children on Toy Story played with their toys? Try that. Put some imagination into it. Once I see that you know how to have fun by yourselves and entertain yourselves, then we can do other things like: playdates, movies or the pool."

In case you read that with a calm voice, I thought I'd inform you that it wasn't that calm!
But, guess what?
Forts are built and they are now playing :)

Finding Joy

I'm out of sugar. I never bake. The reason? I make hummingbird food and I make it a LOT. I crave to see their little tiny bodies hover around the food I make for them. They drink it and seeing them that close to my windows brings me joy.

I am always amazed when I see them. Even though they are an every day occurrence, I'm still amazed at them. When I'm in the mountains and they are swarming around as numerous as flies to food, I am still amazed. I will ALWAYS like these little birds. I've always associated them with the word joy and I'm not too sure why. But, I have the small flutters of joy in my heart as I write because they are all around me.

With a different than expected diagnosis (of a loved one) I love that I can find joy. God' joy. Brought to me by my little hummingbird companions.

In Limbo

So, waiting for confirmation of a diagnosis is REALLY hard. I find that my coping skills are not very good. I can't (and don't want to) say much more. I WILL talk about it once I know. I just feel like a lot could change for me if only we knew. I HATE to be so vague on here. But, I have been bursting since Friday. I really need answers.

It's funny. I am not anxious. I completely TRUST God NO MATTER WHAT. I just want the answers for the moving forward part of life.

I know, I probably shouldn't even be saying anything. But, I do ask for prayer during this time. I am hopeful of finding something out after an appointment on Thursday at 2:00..... if you feel led to pray with me on this journey.

I question my ability to represent Christ well during the limbo part. I mean, I am listening to Matt Chandler's podcast and watching his video blogs and following him through the process he has been going through with his cancer. He is so representing Christ and His strength well. I LONG to do that, but why is it that in this in between (AND NO IT"S NOT CANCER I'M WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT) is proving to be so challenging for me?

Anyway, I would love knowing that I'm lifted up by other believers for this place of life I'm in.

Thank you!

Parenting

I want to get them to play. If they play wrong, I threaten to take "play" away as a means of discipline.

The continual referee role I play as they argue... what good does it do?

I'm frustrated by the rules of other parents. Kids come over. One can't watch that tv show. Another can. Mine can, they can't. That one they can, but we can't. Where do these decisions come from? One parents judgement that claim to love the Lord and walk in His ways shouldn't differ from another's. I'm just confused on this. Where do these opinions come in from?

I've had a rough day. I'm in a rough spot as a parent. I just needed to post these few things.

There really are WAY more, I'm just ......uuuugggh, words fail me!

Quick Trip

We took two drive days to and from Angel Fire, NM for two days of play. It was a fun way to spend the fourth of July. Grandparents, an Aunt and cousins came down to meet us. We so enjoyed the outdoors.

It's often hard to come home. I return with a back that is hurt from the road trip and various other things. I see bag worms on our trees and weeds in our yard. Dust has settled on the shelves, laundry is overflowing. The normal-life things that return are the the things that I want to do well. I want to do the mundane well. I want God to receive glory in the midst of what I'm in.

Father, thank you. Thank you that we are privileged enough to get to take trips and return from them. May I continually focus on You and honor you with the things I choose to do and say. I'm so very blessed to have had a wonderful trip where many memories were made. Help me to set an appropriate tone in this home. I need nothing because in You I have all that I need.

I made the news...

....even though it was in NC, here is a video clip from last year's century ride in the mountains of NC!!!

The video won't upload like most so: You'll have to click THIS LINK and then scroll second to bottom link. It's the Hot Doggett 100 link. Then click play :)

Confessions from a Mom Surviving Summer

So, I'm VBS hopping. That's right. I'm in my second week at a second church. I just might be posting this with a little guilt. Like this just might be a confession. Neither of the churches are one we attend either.... okay, now it's all coming out.

Seriously, I don't see harm in it. I'm getting a break. They are hearing bible stories, singing songs, making crafts, eating snacks and making friends. I couldn't orchestrate all of those things in one week. So, It is GOOD all around.

I really do struggle with these long summer days. I do love our new home and it has definitely proved to be more beneficial to us with some extra space and a place for the girls to ride their bikes (when it's not a hundred degrees outside....which will be like in October!) But, I will say that I've allowed my girls to watch more T.V. than they ever have in their lives!!! Hmm, another confession. I may have just come up with a good name this post...

So, since this appears to be full-blown confession time... I ran into a friend the other day who has struggled through much of her motherhood as I have. We were both sad to report that we are in the "same ole, same ole'" place. When will I wake up and have VICTORY?

It appears that God likes to keep and hold me right in this place. I don't know what else to do. What is it exactly that I'm trying so hard to get out of anyway? Hardship is just part of life. Isn't it futile to try to fight my way out of this particular hardship? I fear I will turn numb in the process upon realizing that this just won't end. Wow, now I sound really depressing, but this is a time for me to confess where my heart is and this is where I am.

So, this isn't a plea for prayer (although I always covet prayers for me to biblically train my children.) This isn't me sounding an alarm that I'm all depressed. I am simply stating that summer is proving to be a difficult time for me. I remember when I had three pre-schoolers and people would ask me how my summer was going. There was no such thing as summer to me then. IT was ALL just hard. Now, summer is a break from what they are normally involved in and I'm just re-visiting some of that hard. Only it is a different hard. Much less physical and way more emotionally (and spiritually) draining and they aren't even teenagers yet!

Trash Day

I get this from my dad, but I LOVE trash pick-up day!!! I even love watching the dump truck pull up and grab the bin and dump all of our week's worth of garbage and drive away with it. It's gone. I never have to see that trash again. It's a purifying feeling. Then, I go into the kitchen and throw something away. My next's weeks collection begins.

The obvious parallel to sin is unmistakable. I see my sin dealt with. It's hauled off the moment I put my trust in Jesus. However, I'm not Sin-Free the moment I'm saved from the consequence of my sin. So, I confess and repent and then turn around and sin again. Maybe the accurate parallel would be likened to communion. I can deal with my sin and know I'm clean, and then sin again.

Learning to accept that my nature (or my flesh) is something I have to battle every single day has been difficult for me. I used to struggle with hearing that we are to be "Christ-like." I don't like unattainable goals. Who does? I won't shoot for something that I seriously don't think I can accomplish. So, why try so hard to be like someone that I can't be like?

The answer still doesn't come simply, but the understanding of the sanctification process has begun. This journey of battling the nature I'm born with against the Spirit that dwells within me is exhausting. But, one that I'm glad I'm battling. (Gal 5:13-26) I'll choose the fruits of the Spirit to live by any day no matter how hard and tiresome the battle for it is.

Self Control. This has been my focus for almost a year now. I figured that I should probably work on my reaction (which tends to be completely lacking of any evidence of self-control) since it is the very thing I'm trying to teach my girls! I'm ready to see that uncontrolled, reaction demon get dumped and hauled off in the weekly trash pick-up!

My Magnolia!!!

My heart is so full. I feel rich. I was listening to a podcast on my run last night. This pastor asked this question:

Do you enjoy God?

He went on to explain that he is not asking if I love Him, serve Him, know Him. Do I enjoy Him? He likened it to a spouse. Do I enjoy my husband? I mean, you can serve him and love him and know him and trust him, but do you enjoy him?

I realized that I am in a VERY rich place in my life because I thoroughly, honestly ENJOY both God and my husband!! Is it really easy for me to answer that way because I'm not currently under fire or in a time of really tough testing? Maybe. But, I would so hope and desire to still Enjoy God in the midst of any circumstance.

Quick story about my new house. This place has me amazed. Just so amazed that God has provided this much space for us in such a beautiful neighborhood. This neighborhood is full of trees AND HILLS. Yes, this is Oklahoma and I didn't think there could be any of those here, but after running them, I can tell you that there are Hills in OK :) The heat reminds me that I'm still here, though.

Anyway, back to that quick story. I feel so personally and intimately loved by the mere fact that I have a big magnolia tree greeting me outside my study window. I LOVE Magnolias. I've always thought their silky, bulky leaves were just so unique! The flowers they bloom are big and bold. But, see, before I EVER even knew that I like Magnolia Trees, this one was planted in this place and I believe it is because God knew that there would come a day where I decided to like them and then desire one in my yard.

We have owned five homes now and over the course of that time, I often wanted to plant one. Yet, 12 years ago, someone else chose that tree to be planted in this spot where here and now I get to enjoy it!!! God knew. *big grin*

I'm here!

Well, in less than a week, I am settled in our new home! The pictures are hung. No cardboard boxes to be seen. This is how I roll! With the help of my mom and a friend, the work is done.

I am SO very humbled that God put us in this house and in this neighborhood. I feel so BLESSED.

I just wanted you all to know that I'm finally here (back) and ready to get into a new summer rhythm!!!

Happy Weekend!

Identity Crisis

So, with this move, I knew I'd be getting a new email address as we are switching ISP. It got me thinking of a new email address. Personally, I think my gmail address (also the address for this blog) is way too long and way too complex!) So, I was wanting something like joy@whatever.net Because Joy is my favorite word. It is what I seek most. Then, I go.... really, is that what I seek most? What about surrender? I love the word SURRENDER. I love what it means.... but then I'm stuck with surrender@blahblahblah.net sounds pretty strange. So, here I am wondering why I care so much about my identity at all. Rider Meyer Girl was good because I love horseback riding, riding bikes, riding a mountain on a snowboard... but now, I run. So, really .. switch it? I wonder if it can't be mores simplistic. simplify@email.com or that my identity is so much in HIM that it is eternal@email.com
Just things running through my head. Is it pride? I so desire to live my life as a vessel or a channel for others to see Him. This doesn't mean that everything I'm about has to have a "Bible" word with it, but I want to reflect His goodness in my life in all avenues.
When I turned 35 a few weeks ago, I chopped off all my hair, sold my minivan, ran a marathon. Now with all these labels swimming in my head, I have just been concentrating on my identity.

Bottom line.

I am His. He is with ME. He will never leave me. I LONG to please Him. I LONG to be with Him. I LONG to bring GLORY to HIM. So, with all of this said, If I have a new blog with a new address or a new email or a new look, just know that I am actually evaluating my heart and my choices to best accomplish these LONGINGs of mine!!!!

Change of Address

Not the best time in the world for my husband to be gone. He's on a plane to CO for the week! Uuugh. My mom is there too! Uuugh! We move in 13 days. I have much to do and little motivation. I usually just do survival mode type stuff when life hands me this. But, when life hands me this right when I'm supposed to contact all the companies for change of service and change of address and I have zero motivation to do it.... it leaves me feeling like I need to SHOUT cry out to you, my friends, for prayer. This is it. Thanks in advance!

My Real Home

Every time we've bought and sold a home, I have felt this way about the process:

It is not a done deal until it's a done deal. Our house has to pass an inspection. Our buyers have to come through. Future home has to pass inspection. Funding has to arrive in the right time. All of the details that make you feel like it's just not a done deal. Maybe being a realtor's daughter makes me feel this way because of seeing so many deals fall through! Yet, it's never happened to me.

Each time I sit in the place where two offers hold us through until the closing, I struggle to get on the phone and start all of the new services on an address that isn't really ours yet. I struggle to do all of the change of address work on a property that isn't in our name. Getting the boxes and starting to pack? I have to do it, but the "what if's" keep me from starting.



This has me thinking of the real home where the property is in our name. Heaven. My name is written in the Lambs book of life. And, I don't have to pack. I don't have to worry about other people doing their part, because He has done it ALL! Oh, how I long for Heaven and to be in our real home. He went.... to prepare a place for me. In His Father's house are many mansions. This is something I can get excited about without reserve!!!

But, until that time.... with a little reserve, I'll start the process of getting some boxes and packing up my home because we have a move on the horizon.

Our Home

Marathon completed. check.
new job. check.
house sold. check.
offer on house. check.

Response from the offer..... that is where we are. As we sit in this place, I am not anxious. I am not concerned or worried. I know that God has it all worked out. We are praying in.every.step. I love the trusting God part of life that is fleshed out in this moment.

This is such a temporary place. I long for our real home. Until we get there, I will walk though these various stages of life. I do have much excitement about the neighborhood we've found a couple of homes in. It will be fun and interesting to go through this process this month. That's right, friends. May 24th. That's the big day.

Would you pray with me about where God has us land? The neighbors we will get to know? The unknowns of new bills. My children's hearts as they adjust to change. While I thrive on change, I know of one in particular that does not. Thank you for praying with us.

26.2

Wow!!! Four hours and forty-three minutes of running!!! That's a LONG time. It was so amazing!!!! What a feeling of accomplishment! I have two favorite parts. One is crossing the finish line and completing what I trained for! The other is that I got to run 24 of those miles with my best friend! I even wonder today if I would have made it if it weren't for her. I struggled from mile 14 to 19 and she was there. She encouraged me in my mind to think of things above. It was at that point that I turned my ipod to the book of Psalms (from the bible on cd by Word of Promise!) Of course, when that didn't help... pretty much all the music suggestions friends from Facebook gave me helped a bit!!

We took it nice an slow from mile 20 to 24. It was at that point that my dear friend's calf was giving her the most grief, so I went on. I think I was so excited about the finish that I began to sprint..... at mile 24! I sprinted pretty much until 25.98 where I put my ipod away so I could soak in the feeling of the finish! I LOVED that my family was there cheering me on!

OH, and a third favorite part was that our husbands rode their bikes along the course to check in on us and cheer us on along the way! This was fun! I never knew when I'd see them and when I did see them I lit up. I'd get my smile on and ham it up for the camera. Nick took LOTS of great shots. I'm just putting a few on here, but I think there were like 80 in my FB album!

Last thing I desire to say about finishing my first marathon is that I want God to receive ALL the glory! I trained, yes.... but I trained WITH Him. I talked to Him a LOT about this race and my body and training and difficulty and made many life applications along the way. I grew in this experience in many ways and am SO glad that I DID IT!!!!!!!

First Timer...

... A lot of my friends are beginning to ask me how I'm feeling about the upcoming marathon. I thought I'd just compile all my thoughts right here.



I've trained for four months and feel like my body is ready. The tapering part of the miles in these past two weeks has been a strange thing for me to process. You'd think there would be a progressive build up... but, instead, we back way off in the last two weeks. I went out for a short and easy 3 miles yesterday and 1 mile into I felt a new pain in my knee. I have noticed it today as well and this is causing some frustration and anxiety within me.

Now, without this concern for my knee, I was already feeling a bit of nervousness and anxiety simply because it's my first marathon and therefore holds unknowns. Now, with this, I wonder if I'll even be able to do it at all. I am praying that God will completely take any aches and pains away so that I can complete what I've worked so hard for. The weather looks really good and in my favor for that day. I was a bit concerned about running the last 13 miles with strong southerly winds pushing into my face (like previous years for the OKC Memorial Marathon.) Well, it is currently forecasted to be 15 mph out of the NW!!!! This is great news. I will be running into the wind FIRST.... something I really do prefer. Sunday is a high of 70 degrees and partly cloudy!!! With a 6:30 am start, I'm thinkin' it's gonna be a good day :)

I've thought over and over again what it would feel like to talk about and train for an event that I don't get to finish. It would sadden me to have to give that as my report, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I am praying, "Not my will, but yours, Lord." I have always seen such a spiritual parallel with this training. I want God to receive glory through anything I do.

For my fellow Oklahomans: you can watch it live on channel 4. Anyone can follow with the Memorial Marathon App on your iPhone (it's free!) Or, lastly, you can track here with my bib numberr: 3782

So, tomorrow I get to pick up my registration packet and then.... kick back and wait for Sunday morning to arrive!

And the winds die down....

The Marathon is almost here. It is a week from Sunday. Today is Friday. I really am on the countdown to this big event that I've put so much time and energy into. I feel like this past week of my life has just been a whirlwind. Let's see:
I started a job (from home.)
I put my house on the market.
(which inevitably means doing a bunch of stuff around the house the days preceding.)
I had a day of looking at houses.
I'm tapering on my miles which almost feels like abandoning this four month monster!

And all of this life transition stuff has left little to no time for this little blog of mine. My mind spins with life application and important truths. My heart's gage is all over the place and is in constant need of evaluation or assessment. Which is why I am so thankful that I have the Holy Spirit with me always! He is like oxygen. He is always there and I am in constant NEED of Him.

This morning's gentle, still and quiet entrance of the day is such a perfect picture of His faithfulness. He is always there. HE's always been faithful. I just read: "earth's best cannot bear comparison with heaven's least." This has me still in my tracks.

The Oklahoma wind sure does blow... and blow.... and blow... and blow. This morning, it is perfectly still outside. I hear the birds of spring singing their song. It's like a freeze frame capturing heaven's least. I am somehow equating all of my life's current busyness of marathon, job, house with both the Oklahoma wind and earth's best. So, on this still quiet morning with a perspective of Heaven's least and the peace and calm that is offered in Heaven's eyes, I am refreshed. In this stillness, I start my day.

Happy Sweet 16 to a Friend!

I took my dog on a walk the other day. He has not properly been trained on a leash. He doesn't know the "heel" command. He is so excited to be out and about that you see him taking off to every pull of his desires. As I walked him in the neighborhood, I kept him on a short leash. That's when I started thinking about this analogy where people say that they've "got someone on a short leash". Once we were out of the neighborhood and on the sidewalks, I let the leash extend as far as it could go. It literally put a huge grin on my face to watch him take off to give in to the impulses to mark his territory and sniff all the things to be sniffed. As we walked for a few miles, it all clicked for me.

(Birthday Girl), You have been on a leash under your parents training. They have given a tug if they see your tendencies are taking you somewhere unacceptable or even dangerous. They pull the leash in tighter to teach or give a command. At the age of sixteen, you begin a life of bigger independence and with that comes bigger responsibility. The responsibility that is most important to me is that you begin to recognize, rely upon and obey the spiritual leash that God has given to you. By His Holy Spirit, we as His children will get a tug or we will feel some slack in the rope. Begin to notice it... because when you are released from the leash of your parents and you are like a wild dog excited about his environment, there are dangerous things around that you may not recognize without that tug!

Lastly, that tug is ALWAYS out of love. I don't pull in the slack on my dog's leash because it appears he was having too much fun. I pull it in so that he doesn't get entangled or bulldozed or poisoned. God loves you and wants what is best for you. As you grow in independence and responsibility, may you live wearing your Spiritual Leash! Happy Sweet 16!!!!

Much love to you,
Rachel

Double Jock Parenting

"Tag, I got 'em, you go."

This is truly what our life has looked like a lot lately. Since I've been training for this marathon, I simply HAVE to get my runs in. If for some reason I don't get them in when the girls are at school, then Nick and I discuss how my run will fit into the day around his bike ride. Particularly our weekends have this feel to it.

Before I started running (11 months ago), Nick and I had biking. Since we both did this together, we ended up just paying sitters so we could go together. That got expensive and there was a little resistance on my part when he would mention going with the guys.

Just this morning he told me that he was talking to a friend about how much more he gets to ride since I've become a runner. This is good all around!
I just finished reading an article in Runner's World Magazine about two jocks that have a great system. I swear I could have written it and that is what has triggered me to process this very post. It's beautifully balanced within this home.

I have been running more and posting less :( I love to blog and this outlet has suffered at the hand (or foot) of my running! My marathon is in one month, so hopefully my schedule will adjust back to some sort of normal posting rhythm. Until then, I'm off to hit the pavement (while the girls are in school!)

Spring Break 2010

Well, seeing that a Blizzard is hitting us here in OK at the moment, I thought I'd post our bright sun-shiny pictures from Dallas a couple of days ago. I had a blessed time with my mom and my three girls visiting friends for just a few days.

Be my HELP!

I think this has been the LONGEST unannounced time taken off from blogging and it was totally unintended! How has this much time passed by? Wow!
Well, I've been running, listening to podcasts galore, and struggling in motherhood.

Struggling in motherhood is something I've come to grips with. Really, I shouldn't even call it a struggle in motherhood itself. It's struggling with ME as I do the job I'm in. I'm too easily annoyed with typical kid's stuff. I'm too easily angered at watching their sinful choices. I"m too easily disappointed at their choices. So this leaves me too easily exhausted with nothing left for all the other stuff in life.

Like:
Trying to get our house on the market.
Trying to buy a car.
Trying to meal plan and prepare no matter what kind of responses I get from the kids.
Trying to clean the house, stay on top of laundry and paying bills.

Father,
As I get annoyed, angry, disappointed and exhausted will you be my HELP? Help me to rise above my circumstances! This is all I have the energy to ask for. Amen

Book Titles

Sometimes all I REALLY need is a great title of a book. One that tells me what to do so that I don't have to read the whole book. This is the book that caught my eye:

The title is: "Loving Our Kids On Purpose"

For those three of you that have read my blog, you know that I've written about a recent experience I had with an Extreme Heart Makeover. One where I knew that God was calling me to be intentional with my kids and a relationship with them. Well, let's just say some time has past and I know once again in my heart of hearts that it's time to put my intentional hat on again and (to use the books' catchy title..,) Love my girls on purpose. I picked up a copy that my friend had and held it in my hands thinking to myself that this very book had all the answers to my problems at home. As I stood in front of the "parenting" section at my local Christian bookstore to buy a copy, I realized that I can walk away already charged and encouraged to do a great job just from the many titles I had just taken in. If I were to read a title that said: "Become a Diligent Mother," I personally wouldn't buy the copy and take the time to read it. I simply walk away and pray that God teaches me how to become a more diligent mother. Keep in mind that laziness is my weakness.

This is all to say that I walked away from that entire section of help on parenting knowing what it was specifically that God wanted me to do in this current stage as a mother. Love them on purpose. Four days later an opportunity for me to intentionally or purposefully be with them came up. I had joy in my heart and knew that growth in relationships with them was taking place. I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit can exponentially teach more than books can. [For those of you that learn much from books and their application, I applaud you. For me, reading needs to be fun and an escape! Thanks for understanding our differences! Oh, and I'm sure the book that I mentioned is wonderful and I would hope that I haven't caused anyone to NOT read it by what I have said. I'm just just a cliff-notes kind of a girl!]

Change

When I was a little girl, I re-arranged furniture like crazy. I am the baby of four kiddos. I grew up where we rotated bedrooms every year. That change was so good for me. For some reason, I need and desire change. One year I would have a room to myself and another year I would share with one sister. The next year, it would be the other sister. I LOVED that change. When I was in high school, I remember re-arranging my parents furniture for them. I would mix up the living room like it was nobody's business. I loved it.... for a time. Then, it needed it again.

I will tell you that having three babies in three and a half years in three different states was a LOT of change. I really think that's why I was able to do it. When my youngest turned one and I had been in the same place for over a year, I didn't know what to do with myself. So, I re-arranged every room that I could.

Secretly, I loved that my husband wanted to "go into ministry" and we had to down-size because it gave us a "noble" reason to move and have more "change."

We had lived in that home for three years before moving...... the longest we had lived anywhere since we had been married. Now, we've lived in this smaller house for three years (in a couple of months.) I've been blogging since 2007 and I can't count how many times I've changed the "look" of my blog. Heck, I've even wanted to change my gmail address just because I run now and how does ridermeyergirl fit into that category?

This brings me to my current desire for change. I'm house hunting. Nick took a new job and I also believe our season has ended at the current school my kiddos have been attending. I don't take buying and selling a home lightly, but I would like you to join with me in the praying stages of this transition for my family. I know that God loves it when I seek Him on such things. I would love to have all the discernment I need to move forward here. So, today, I changed the look of my blog and I seek the Lord's heart on where He wants us to go next. I know from His amazing Spirit that it is time once again to move my family. I only ever want to be right where He wants me!!!!

Sometimes I Lay on my Foundation

I don't know where to begin? As always, I have wonderful things to say about our God. He is so good. He is so faithful. AND, I don't know where I would be without Him and without the foundation that sometimes I fall on rather than stand on.

I just noticed that it's been a week since I posted. We returned from my half and two days later, got blasted by a storm that has kept me in very close proximity with my girls. I have noticed over the last few months that their bickering has gotten worse. I know there is sibling rivalry. And I know that the fighting that occurs daily can be normal. But, to get a report that their fighting was bad and noticeable did two things for me:
1. Validated my feelings of being so annoyed by the sounds of their constant fights.
2. Made me sad that to hear that it just might be worse than other families. (I know comparing is bad, but in this case it was good for me and here's why!)

It has opened my eyes to what my girls are picking up from their different surrounding. I am in the praying stages of what to do about this.

I desire to share about what happened a couple of nights ago. I fell over weeping and in a fetal position at the realization that as a mother, I basically wear a mask. For those of you that REALLY know me, know that I am so against ANY masks. I believe that we should keep all masks away and be who we are. I'm in a Catch 22 with my girls because I don't want them to know my struggle in order to protect them because it is not their fault that I struggle. But, I want to be real so they really know me and can feel safe with me. Thus the reason for my "mothering" mask that I wear daily. I felt so defeated that night and curled up and cried it off. In that moment of emotion, it felt so defeating. There really was nothing left to do about it, so I went to bed. When I awoke and read my Bible, I "happened" to read Psalm 30. Really? How perfect and beautiful were these verses for me?

5b " Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
9 What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

He did not leave me in that fetal position! He gave me joy in the morning! And it is so that here, (on my blog anyway), I can say praises to Him and not be SILENT!!!! He was there with me in the fetal position with all my emotion and He was there with me when I woke up and needed to obediently place the motherhood mask back on my face!

Sledding pictures to come!!!!

Half Marathon!!!!

Here's how it played out:
I got sick over Christmas in Colorado, so really, training in particular for this half didn't happen. I got even sicker the week leading up to today. I think it's strep throat. Since we are between jobs/insurance, a trip to a doctor wasn't an option.
We arrive at the start line with 15 minutes to spare. Then, the winds that were blowing through Austin were blowing all the barricades down causing the Austin police department to delay the start by an HOUR. So, we stand and wait for an hour. Hunger sets it. Core gets nice and cold. Not an ideal start, but at least we finally started after they went through and re-marked all the hazardous holes in other ways. I can't really see that starting after standing for an hour is the best, but it's how we did it. Now, this particular run is just FAST. We were at the front. Big mistake when you're not a FAST runner. This means you get passed the ENTIRE time. (kind of defeating feeling)
So, I ran a nice 9 minute mile for the first 5 miles. After that I settled into a slower rhythm. At around mile 10 I had a coughing spell that I thought would worry everyone around me. But, I didn't have to stop :) The last mile was so hard and so slow for me that I wondered how in the world I could possibly do twice this distance in just 3 months! I did actually sprint across the finish line and set my PR!!! I did it in 2:06 :)
My throat started hurting shortly after and I'm just thrilled that I wasn't sick with a fever in a hotel bed in Austin, but that I got to go out and start and finish my first Half Marathon! Fun Times....
Here are some pics :)

Training

I don't feel like I've ever really "trained" for anything. Sure, I've had goals or events to make it to with deadlines. But, I never recall "training." So, here I am three weeks into training for this marathon and I can't get over how many spiritual parallels can be drawn from this process.

2 Timothy 4:7 comes to mind.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

I could possibly quote that at the end of my race in April, but will I be able to quote it at the end of my life?


With a 16 week beginner's training program, I can see what I've done, what I need to do and most importantly, I can see the end!!! I've heard it said that the training is harder than the actual marathon. But, as I plug that verse into the concept of training in my life, I quickly realize why I haven't trained for anything. I'm not good at it. I can look at where I am in my life as a training schedule with motherhood. Currently I've got 9 years down and 12 1/2 to go. We all know that Motherhood doesn't "end" when the last one is out of the house, but that is the end date I'm using for my story to work here ;)

Seriously, can I just vent about how long I have to go? I thought the pre-school years were the hardest and physically they WERE. But, the constant bickering and sibling rivalry and snotty attitudes is making me wonder if I could say such things... I've fought the good fight, I've finished the race, I've kept the faith. Right now, all I see myself saying is: "I have questioned IF I can do this anymore. I have thought about walking out. I have exploded and been a bad example. And all this is taken from 2nd Opinion 2:17

Staying focused on the prize is what will get me there. I know that we are to fix our eyes on Jesus. Sometimes the look I have fixed on him is as bad as the look on my children's faces. Of course, now that I think about it, training for a marathon is NOTHING like the training I'm in as a mother. I have realized as a Mom that there is NOTHING I can do apart from Christ. I will fail every single time in every single instance with my girls if it weren't for the Spirit that lives and dwells within me. A marathon.... now that can be done physically apart from Christ's help. Oh, I've just messed up my whole spiritual analogy.

I think what's really happening here is that I had two topics to write about. The fact that I'm in a training program for a marathon and the fact that I'm in a really difficult place as a mother. Rather than deleting, I'm leaving my story out there because I feel like it accurately depicts where I am today!

GRIN

I'm much better and God is good. more later

The Ugly Side

We all have them. Today my ugly side is all I see. It almost feels as if my internal hard-drive within my body has wires crossed. Things aren't connecting or making much sense. Emotions. are. out. of. control.
So, it's what to do when I feel like this?

Throw the towel in? Sleep? Take a pill? Get drunk? Read a book? Cry? Those are just a few options that cross my mind! So, this time, instead of doing any of those options, I thought I'd try writing. Vulnerably. I'm really always vulnerable on here, but I also use getting control of my emotions as about my only filter. I simply haven't been able to today, so I'm here.

I don't understand why little things are the big things to me during such times. I thought I'd have more time to write about this, but really, what more is there to say? Plus, it's time for me to attend our Saturday night church service. I don't "want" to go. I know I "should/need" to go, so therefore, I'm going.

Sorry such a strange post, but there ya have it!!!!

Twenty Ten

It's not going to take new resolutions to make our year look different. Nick got a new job. We knew that as the end of the year approached, so did our season with Young Life. I am sad about this. When we sold our house and downsized to a smaller one for the cause of going into ministry, I was ready for life. I was sold out. I was committed. And Young Life felt like family. When Nick first started the job, Young Life came out with a slogan that said, "You were made for this!" And he was.
We knew going into it that it was a job created for him to try. Try he did. Succeed he did. But, there simply were not enough funds to keep him on past that two year commitment. So, with all of that said... for the past few months after going to reduced pay and not knowing if there would be enough funds for him to stay with Young Life, he got a couple of other jobs. He was teaching a spin class at the Y!!! He was also working a few hours at Starbucks.
This is where the story gets to be pretty amazing.
God ordained it that a "Regular" there would notice him and end up pursuing him to come along his journey in starting a new company! I am not going to include all the details of that on here, but I will say that as I assessed my heart in the journey of trusting God with all that we have and our willingness to go where He wanted and do what He wanted, it's a beautiful and amazing thing for me to look back at how he orchestrated for these two guys to meet. I'm excited and nervous about this next year.
It will require more time away from family.... something I've NEVER liked or even handled all that well. But, I am excited to watch my husband grow in this new position!!!

Twenty Ten, 2010 or the most recent way I've seen our trendy generation call it: MMX was a year that I thought would look different.... flying automobiles at least. My different is not always the different it turns out to be! I'm wise, huh? Well, I do hope you all had a great turn of the New Year celebration. This year holds a couple big milestones for me. I will be doing my first half marathon at the end of this month and my first full in April. We'll see what other firsts I may have. While resolutions are for some of you, I pray that we all just simply grow in our relationship with God in leaps and bounds this year!