Encouraged

Thank you to those of you that commented on my last post. ALL of what you wrote gives me great practical stuff to chew on for the next time it hits! I don't have much to say today other than that "thank you." I'm grateful to you all for sharing your hearts with me in this struggle.

I'm off to make some pb&j's!!!

"I'm back in the struggle again"

Sung to the tune of: "I'm back in the saddle again." I keep singing "I'm back in the struggle again." I was freed somewhat from the struggle I've been having in motherhood. Then Christmas hit! I guess it's the aftermath of Christmas. Actually, I don't know what IT is. But, since it's back, I now have to do yet another assessment. Why am I struggling again? Remember on this post how I finally got it because of the book that I read? Well, I don't have short term memory loss. I remember why I'm struggling. It's to refine me. It's to produce within me endurance. But, I can't get out of the miserable ache that creeps up when chaos hits.

What do some of you all do when chaos sets you off?

"Take the edge off"

I usually hear people say this when they are referring to anti-depressants or anxiety medicine. I believe that the drugs used to treat both of those do actually take some sort of edge of something off, but I struggle with wanting some "thing" to take the edge off of my discontentment or my irritability.

It's a difficult thing for me to confess that I want to turn to a drink or a pill or some sort of numbing device. It's a great thing that I don't turn to such impulses because of God's grace in my life keeping me from giving in to them. I just desire to be at a place where I allow God to take the edge off of my funk. For some reason I just don't believe that He will do it. I know that He freely gives us anything we need to avoid falling into such temptations. But, for some reason I compartmentalize Him in that I don't see Him offering some "thing" for me to take the edge off. My prayer today and in future days is that when I have the desire to self medicate, I will turn in submission to Him and allow Him to do what he wants with whatever edges I'm not happy with at that moment!

Christmas Letter

Wow, doing a Christmas letter is a lot of work. There's the writing it, the printing it, the folding it, the stuffing it, the licking it, the return addressing it, the addressing it, the stamping it and then the PRAYING over it. Because ours this year gave an update on Nick taking a job with Young Life, I have felt a bit of spiritual warfare with the mailing of these letters. My prayer is for God to be glorified as people read what we wrote about our family.

I also have so much praise to offer to God for the stage of life that I'm in this year. As I have posted numerous times before about the process that mothering has been for me, I've realized that part of this "job" being a bit easier is because of having my youngest child be 3 1/2 years old. It has gotten easier for me since my attitude has changed as well. These two things make me grateful to God.

Last night we went to a Christmas program at our church. This is the same program that I grew up going to. I am excited for my children to me making many of the same memories that I made in that very room. Nick and I let them roam around while we had adult conversations. It was so fun to drive home and think about what it is exactly we are giving our children by attending events like that. We are building family traditions that I'm most excited about!!!

No Power

This ice storm that has hit Oklahoma rather hard left me without power for only 24 hours. At one point, there were 605,000 without power. Now, it's like 400,000. With some schools included in the power outage, it's like no school all week. Fortunately, for us it was only two days of no school and one day without power. And, even then, I had my parents nice, warm house to go to.

But, this whole storm has me thinking about how much our lives depend on electricity. I actually wished at one moment that the entire United States would go without power so we could all simplify our lives. I know, I know....there is a LOT of good that comes from it, but I enjoyed the change of pace and attitude of appreciation that I felt. I hoped that everyone would get that glimpse of the things we take for granted. So instead of really desiring such a thing on all people, I can just share my small story of how good we have it. You should see some of the trees around here. The word I've chosen for it is: horrific. Go see the slide show from one of our local news channels here.

Birthday party hangover!!!

I can't believe how "worked" I feel just from throwing a Birthday Party! My oldest daughter, Ashlyn, turned 7 yesterday! Today the hangover looks like this:

"Can we get onto Webkinz and set up my new pets' room?"
"Can I go to so and so's house?"
"I want another cupcake, cookie, etc..."
"Can we play with the moonsand?"
"Can I start my bracelet craft?"

I'm sure you can identify. It's like after Christmas. I simply want to take a nap when it's all over. But all the gifts and sugar did was ignite something in them to go, go, go!

Then there's the American Girl Doll. So,I gave in to the often requested doll. Ashlyn LOVES her, but so do Megan and Kenna. They want one. They want to play with Ashlyn's. I feel kind of sick and wrong telling my younger ones that this doll is "hands off!" It's a doll! Maybe there is a support group somewhere for mother's of kiddos with American Girl dolls.....Sign me up!


Then I remember the verse to do everything without complaining or arguing. Conviction! May I not complain about the things that feel hard in the moment. I am thankful that we were able to celebrate her life and build such great memories.

Great Song

I once had this on my blog...where each time you landed on my site, it started playing. Now, I prefer that you click on something to even say that you WANT to hear music. So, here's a song I LOVE!!!!

Prayer

I've been thinking a lot lately about prayer, fasting and intercession. There are so many needs. I have a list that is so long of requests from dear frineds. It is a joy for me to be in a place to pray for them. The Holy Spirit has been so merciful in reminding me ever so gently about my friends. I also used the idea of hunger to remind me. It's kind of a not-fasting way of using the idea of fasting to commit more in prayer. It has worked for me all week so I thought I'd pass it along. AGAIN ~ this is not fasting nor is it taken from the Bible.

So, when my stomach growls, I think of who it is I've said I'd pray for and do it. I will usually pray for those people until the hunger pains subside. Then I eat. The next time I'm hungry, I do it again. It just helps me to focus and it could train you for your own readiness to begin fasting as a part of your life, when called to.

But I also struggle with having such long lists. They cause me to forget to spend time in simple Praise to God. He longs to be praised! May I suggest Ruth Meyer's "31 Days of Praise?" It is excellent!

Blog Title

I just changed my blog title from "Journal Keeping" to "A Heart Assessment." It just seems to better state my purpose. I must confess that I was tempted to steal a title from a blogger I've come to love. It is Surviving Motherhood or Irritable Mother. I was drawn to her just because of her title.
Titles are funny though because it's just a title.
What I do in this space though is not really keeping a journal as much as it evaluating where I am. What are my motives? This is all a Heart Assessment. So, I don't know if I messed anything up by making that change, but I just had to do it.

Today, I had to question where my heart was. The first free moment that I had from the kiddos (meaning they were quiet in front of the T.V), I wanted to kill time doing stupid stuff instead of fill my time with reading the Word. It wasn't the first thing I did this morning and I try to keep a rule in my head to "get in the Word before the world!" That means for me to not even turn my computer on until that time has been spent with the Lord.

So, after reading in 1 Corinthians I can face the day because I have something new from God's Word to chew on! Today I am thinking about the transformation that will happen in our bodies when "Death is swallowed up in victory."

1 Corinthians 15:58 "So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."

Introducing My Mother

My Mother is now a "blogger!" I'm thrilled to have her as a part of this world. I just wanted to introduce her to ya'll ( i live in Oklahoma, so I can say that :)
I really believe that I am who I am today because God has used her life to shape me in many ways. Half of what I say is probably something she taught me anyway. It is so much fun for her to be my mother, my mentor and my friend! Allow me to introduce you to her!!!!

How do you respond?

I’m a seat back recliner. It’s what I do on airplanes. The moment the rush of speed begins on the runway, I push the silver button and relax. Today’s flight couldn’t have been more frustrating in that respect. At the gate, the (ahem) rather large woman sitting behind me knocks on my seat as if it were a door. Ignoring it, she finally taps me on the shoulder to tell me (not ask me) to put my seat forward….which I didn’t think I had reclined quite yet. Because of my confused look, she then explains to me that I put it forward by pushing the silver button. I push it.
Right at take off I recline, but only half way and then fall fast asleep. Waking up to soda pops cracking open all around me I hear the commotion once again. Because I was asleep, she has now started her plea with the gentlemen next to me. “I can’t get my tray down with her seat reclined! It won’t fit!” I push the button and sit perpendicular once again. Then I notice that the tray has nothing to do with the seat being reclined or not. Nope. That’s not the issue. I’m suffering because of her size.
Because I didn’t say anything on the flight I just needed a safe place to share my frustration!

Now I sit at Chicago O’Hare with many delayed flights due to the fog. Watching everyone’s frustrated faces has made me realize that I like how I responded to this lady. I didn’t give her dirty looks or roll my eyes. I didn’t have an “attitude” about me. I may have thought quite a few negative things within me, but I did not let them out. It shows me that I have the gift of the Holy Spirit living within me. I have sin in there too! That’s why I think such terrible things. But, I do believe that I am not acting on my sin nature, but rather the fruits that the Spirit gives. Gal. 5: 13-26 is a great passage that talks about the inner turmoil. I sense it and recognize it all the time. I’m not perfect. I never will be (this side of heaven.) But, I have a choice. We as Christians have a choice to show the Spirit living in us or live out the sin nature we were born with. What then would be the difference between us and non-believers? Showing the Spirit, GOD living within in such moments could truly be opportunities for people to see Something other than the wrong way to respond!

As I head back home at the closing of this conference I am eager to hug and kiss my children! I am thrilled that what comes next is Thanksgiving! I do have so much to be thankful for.

I met a woman at this conference that I fell in love with in a very short time. I’ll call her Joy. Joy is going through some of the most difficult trials that I can imagine as a wife and mother. The death of her youngest daughter and the process of a divorce with an unfaithful man stuck in sin. With two teenage daughters witnessing the carnage all around, she remains STRONG in the Lord. That’s really Who I fell in love with. It was Christ living within her. On a much larger scale than how I responded to the “lady” behind me. I see how Joy is responding to the platforms God is using in her life to show Himself. If anyone is reading this, please pray for her and her two daughters. God knows exactly who they are even with this pretend name that I’ve used.

Learning to live a spirit-filled life,
Rachel <><

Gone for a week

My husband and mother are the greatest!!! They have allowed me to come to the Youth Specialties convention in Atlanta to volunteer for their NYWC for a week. It's been so great to have such a different environment!

Here's how I started out my thoughts on my way out of town!!!
A (kind of) break for 8 days!!!

I’m so excited to be at an airport right now. I feel as if I could do all the waiting in the world because it is such a break from my “norm.” I am headed to Atlanta where I will be volunteering for Youth Specialties’ National Youth Workers Convention.

When I am away from my children, I don’t typically view anything else as work. I mean, I am going to “work” but in reality, I get to have a place where I get to hang out with my two sisters and some amazing, fun, great people. On top of that, it’s like an extended family gathering in that we are all there for one purpose. We all love the Lord and are in some way doing His work. It looks similar to a lot of those youth pastors. It looks similar to a lot of those on YS Staff and it may look similar to a lot of the volunteers. But, we are all children of God that bring hearts ready to worship and receive what He has for us in different ways.

When I am in airports or on a plane, I feel so small and God feels so big. I hear the multi languages spoken in our nation’s capital and realize that my little world that I live in is just that…. A little world. When we are ascending over terrain that you can’t see from the ground and take a new view of people’s homes and their lives and traffic filled highways, God is LARGE. He knows my itinerary. He knows my destination. He knows my heart. He also knows the person’s heart sitting next to me. He also knows that guy and that girl and that whole road full of cars and all those neighborhoods and it doesn’t just stop at the water’s edge.
Man, get me out of the house and I’m like a child being exposed to such things for the first time!!! It’s exciting to realize just how huge He is and it’s humbling to know that My Life itinerary is in His hands. Oh, how I take great comfort in that!!!!

I’ve been reading Donald Miller’s, “Searching For God Know’s What” during my travels today and he has been talking a great deal about sizing people up or comparing them. Great thing for me to be reminded of line after line as I’m around so many different people!!! Who am I to think anything special of myself? I am nothing. Christ in me is everything.


I will be posting on the flip side of this event, right before Thanksgiving!!

Platforms

There is this scene in the movie, Evan Almighty, where Morgan Freeman, who plays the character of God, is giving advice (if you will) to someone. He says that if someone prays and asks for courage that God gives the person an opportunity to be courageous rather than giving courage. In the same way that someone asks for them to be closer to their family, God doesn't give warm fuzzy feelings, but rather opportunities for the family to be closer.
As I've thought about my struggle through motherhood and grown in my understanding of it, I've realized that all these "struggles" or "trials" are really opportunities or what I now think of as "platforms" for God to be revealed.
I plugged this new word into the verse in James where we are to consider the various trials as pure joy. I now say that we are to consider our platforms as pure joy. Platforms for God to perform His Patience, His Strength, His Peace through our very lives. Others are watching. They may see God for the first time on such platforms!

I'm getting old

My wonderful husband was showing our girls how high he could double-bounce me on the trampoline last night. As a result, I'm actually limping around the house today. My poor old knees just aren't up for that kind of action as they were when I jumped on our trampline every single day growing up. On top of the limping, my five year old is sick today. No fun. I'm stuck at home feeling old and taking care of a sad soul. I wish I had better things to post about today. I guess I'll just post a picture that I love of Nick and me!!! We look like we're on vacation, but it was just a back drop for this photo!

Two Randoms

One thing I've thought numerous times in public restrooms has been that I am glad my name is not "Kimberly Clark." While the name is a beautiful one, it is in fact on many toilet paper rolls and I sure wouldn't want to be associated by such things. So, to any of you that have that name, I am sorry such a wonderful name was chosen to be the name of that company.



Also, what is up with this?

Who does this? Why 23? I simply don't understand. Is this for humor, because I laughed! I seriously saw this in a neighborhood and just said, "hmmmm."

Thought you could think "hmmmm" with me!

Should this marriage end?

On paper, many things can look black and white. Put someones true circumstance in a movie and add some music and you are drawn. You automatically identify. It's in a way that suddenly you can see reason for getting out of a marriage. Are you following me?

Let me try this way. I hear of bad choices a husband makes. I recall God's promises. God's promises outweigh the circumstance and I see a happy ending. Or I watch a mother crying late at night after putting her children to bed alone and tired. She is physically unable to do any of it anymore. She is at her end. Compassion overtakes me and I think that she simply has to get out of the marriage to better survive.

You see I think our vision is blurred by our circumstances. We may know truth but once we see how hard it is to follow the truth, we don't factor God's Power into the equation. I once heard it said, "We are shown how to live in the light so that we know what to do in the dark." We learn it "on paper" so that when vision is blurred we remember truth.

In trials, don't take the easy way out. Press on. Plus, the easy way is probably only temporarily easy since we can see into the future to see what those choices do to us down the road.

I'm no counselor and don't pretend to be. Everyone has different circumstances. So, in each trial, seek Peace from the Lord on such decisions. I can't imagine facing some of the choices that my friends are trying to make. But, God knows ALL of the details. Talk to Him and I will too!

Comparison = Criticism

I know that by the title comparing gets you nowhere. I learned that phrase in my premarital classes. Anytime I'm actually criticizing something, I realize that I've thrown myself right into the middle of my view of someone else's situation.

Let's take blogging for example. I look at other mom blogs and wonder why I can't write about enjoying fall with the pumpkin projects and autumn aromas and such. I just don't write like that. But something within me wants to write so that other moms will want to come to my blog and get tips or something.

My prayer for me this morning is to not "dance for men's eyes." (this is a great song on an old album by Charlie and Nathan.)


I may not have a lot of recipes, housecleaning tips, disciplining wisdom, etc... but I sure have no problem being transparent and sharing about the refining taking place in my heart. May I not compare today!

HUGE UPDATE!!!

I just finished reading, Confessions of an Irritable Mother and now I am changed in how I think about my struggle in motherhood. Yes, I struggle. I have since the beginning. Now, I understand that the struggle in and of itself is not bad. I have learned that it is more my attitude toward the struggle. It really sounds so simple coming out in my thoughts right now. In fact, I think people have tried to encourage me over the years to consider all trials joy, to persevere and to blah, blah, blah, was all I ever heard because it wasn't born out of the SAME struggle. This Mom had (and sometimes still has) my same struggle and therefore, I was able to hear her encouragement this time!

Very cool story about how God Loves ME:
In her book she shares a tip of something great that works for her. Instead of putting up memory verses on mirrors or in cars, she tends to keep her hands in her pocket so much that she decided to write them on something and keep them in her pockets. I was thinking of personally adopting this method and contemplating which verses I should start with. When "all of the sudden" a cold front came in causing me to pull out my coat for the first time this season. I went to a doctor's appointment when I slipped my hands in the pockets and felt something in one of them. I pull out little cards that my husband had hand-written verses for memory on. There were several of them. I smiled first of all that I am married to such a man, secondly because it so closely tied in to what I was desiring to do. As I read through them, I found the one I needed to carry with me these past few days in order to press on in my job.

John 15:5
"I am the vine. You are the branches. If a man abides in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from Me he can do nothing."

Right there in the bold.....I can do nothing apart from him. So, when I'm slipping in my attitude toward the whining children I recognize that I am trying to do it apart from HIM!
The funny thing about that story is that when I told my husband about it, he got all hung up on how they could have ever even gotten in the pocket of a coat he couldn't fit one arm in. I guessed it happened in the move this summer, but really it was God's little secret way of loving me!

Perspective

Ya know, I just sounded like such a complainer in my last post. I mean all those thoughts and feelings are real and valid. It's just that I found out the day after that post that someone close to me has just discovered her husband's unfaithfulness during their entire married life. She's pregnant with their 2nd child and I can't even imagine all that she's dealing with.

I'm so thankful today for a wonderful husband. He loves the Lord. He fears the Lord and he pursues the things of God. I should have no other complaints. Thank you, Father for this amazing gift that You've given to me in him.

My little problems just needed a little bit of perspective I guess. Last night I was tackling my fourth load of laundry when all of the sudden, the washer just went ker-put. I mean, the blasted thing decided it didn't want to spin. It was full of water and I just sighed and realized it was part of going into ministry. Isn't that when everything breaks? I mean, we had to take one of cars in today to get a new timing belt. When it rains, it pours. There is not a lot of extra money in ministry. I'm excited to watch God provide for our needs. I know He didn't lead us here to play a joke on us. In a sense, I feel like my new perspective has allowed me to somewhat face these things in our life with joy. Joy in knowing I'm right where God wants me to be today!

In a nutshell

I have been avoiding writing this post. It is something I feel I need to write to really explain why I am here in the world of blogs.
I struggle so much in the day to day of my life. I don't have joy in the midst of where I am. I don't feel like I'm blooming where I'm planted. I'm planted as an at home mom to three children in three and a half years.

Here's what happened:
Got married.
Got pregnant 7 months later.
Had an infant that didn't cry, but screamed!
Got used to it, but used birth control.
Got pregnant anyway when she turned one.
Moved from CO to NC. Had a pleasant baby.
Husband traveled with this new job and missed all of this 2nd child's firsts.
Looked for new job. Got one and moved to OK (oh, and I was pregnant again.)
Had third baby girl! Got "fixed" and got settled.
When baby #3 was one and I wasn't pregnant and wasn't moving, I hit depression.

The best way I can describe the depression I felt was to compare myself to the character that Meg Ryan plays in "When a Man Loves a Woman." Only, I wasn't an alcoholic. I just felt like her. I wished I could turn to something to numb what I felt, but, thankfully, I had the Holy Spirit in me keeping me from turning toward those impulses. After a year on anti-depressants, I was freed from depression. You can read about that here.

Slowly over this past year, I have felt this discontentment within me that I don't know what to do with. I have written just bits about it on this blog. I called one of them bound and one resisting. I know that those are part of what I struggle with, but really it feels like something so much bigger.

I have discovered in my attempts to consider every trial pure joy and to try to pray through my wrong attitude toward my children that it is actually possible for me to cuss in the middle of a prayer. That makes me laugh when I tell my friends about it, but it makes me so sad that I could weep over what is actually within me. This unhappiness and unfulfillment that I can't get over is making me question so much. Each day I wake up and spend that necessary time in God's Word. I pray. I begin the numerous duties and begin the battle within me to find joy. I can't. I search on other Mom's blogs for words that will fix it. I can't find them. There is one mom that I think has come the closest. She says that she doesn't consider her children to be her enemies but sometimes mothering feels like an enemy. Er, maybe it's her expectations that are her enemies. I totally relate to that way of thinking. I was just telling my Dad that I think it's hard to be around sin ALL day long. They are three little sinners that I feel responsible for and when they make the wrong choices, it just frustrates me to sit and watch (or listen to) it. We have to continually die to our selves each day and numerous times each day. I have learned that a lot of my struggles stemmed from selfishness. So, putting my "self" aside and still feeling the way I do made me see that there was more.
I can sit down and scrapbook pictures of my kiddos, smiling as I lay them out on a page or watch my screen saver scroll through many wonderful memories with their darling little faces and truly see that they are God's blessings. I "know" all of that in my head. But there is nothing more frustrating to me than waking up every morning not liking the job I do and the person I feel that I am becoming because of not liking it.
So, I'm done writing about it for now. Praying for change. If you are reading this, pray for me. I know that in my weakness, God is my Strength. I know He is my portion. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I just pray that I will feel it first hand instead of just knowing it in my head!

National Porn Sunday is Oct. 7th

I'm still on this topic. I think it is something so large (the elephant in the room) that needs to be talked about. Someone is doing a great job of it on her blog. I won't even try to tackle it like she has. But, if any of you are interested in hearing her insights and different comments that add insight, check it out.

During bible study this morning we were looking at Josiah who was a king that purged Judah of all the idolatry including male cult prostitutes in the house of God, foreign gods in the house of God, child sacrifice and altars. This purging process took 6 years and I was hoping for America to be purged of some of the filth that corrupts our lives. I think addressing this is one of step that can help. You have to purge the sin in your own life before you can receive the Word of God. I have been so drawn to Psalm 119 especially in the New Living Translation. Read it. The Word of the Lord, His Precepts, His Statutes, His Commandments and Ordinances are to be our LIFE. What an amazing gift from the Lord.

Ministry

Many of you have asked what ministry it is that my husband, Nick, has gone into in response to my 'change' post. The article below was written by our pastor for our most recent church newsletter. The link in the article will send you to the national website or you may click on the Young Life logo above to see the site for the local area he will be working in. This should sum it up:

Nick and Rachel Meyer have been volunteer ministers, helping Rachel’s parents, Monty and Carolyn Churchill, in Metropolitan’s ministry to university students. They established“Espresso Self,” a meeting place which brings together young adults of all ages, married and single, in a Sunday morning fellowship with the atmosphere of a coffee house. They have also been faithful
in discipling young adults on an individual and small group basis. Nick has sensed God’s leading into vocational ministry on a full time basis. He has accepted an invitation to join the staff of
Young Life, a ministry which is bringing the gospel message into the lives of thousands of high school and middle school students nationwide. He will be serving the local Young Life region as “Field Development Associate,” working to expand the ministry in Oklahoma. Nick states that what excites him is that Young Life is “relationship-driven at every level.” He is committed to Young Life’s strategy of relationship evangelism of students through Young Life clubs, one-on-one mentoring, and summer camp ministries. “I look forward to talking about Young Life in all kinds of settings, sharing what God is doing in the lives of students,” he said. He suggests that we visit www.younglife.org information. In addition to his development (fund-raising) work, Nick will be involved in volunteer training and strengthening ties to local churches. “So many students who come to faith don’t have a church background. They need the church,” he said.
The Meyers plan to continue their ministries with the young adults of Metropolitan. Pray for this big transition in their lives.

Porn and Parenting

I know that this is a bold title, but this week is Porn Week. Some guys over at www.xxxchurch.com have an awesome website that addresses this issue head on. They are saying that Oct. 7th is National Porn Sunday. Well, I have since been emailing friends about both struggling in parenting and dialogue on how to help people be aware and sensitive to treating the problem of porn. These emails have me thinking pretty seriously about God's grace in my life. He is so good. I am amazed at where I am in life....Instead of getting all vulnerable on these issues, I just want to give God the glory for being the source of my strength and healing. Who could live this difficult Christian life in this terribly fallen world without God's amazing grace?

What is Church?

Sept. 21st......Yes, it’s Nick’s birthday and we are currently at a Leadnow conference (http://www.leadnowconferences.com/default.aspx) where my brain seems to be on overload. I’m overwhelmed at how much there is to learn about the church, our culture, leadership and ministry altogether. Even walking through all the many booths set up here with the various ministries offered to plug believers in to opportunities for evangelism and what not, I’m quite depressed. There are so many needs. There are so many conferences too where we take notes and stuff ourselves with information of what to do and how to do’s that I just desire heaven. A lifetime is spent learning and applying. Yet, we get distracted and forget that it is all about the great commission to tell others. We overstuff ourselves with great talks and analogies. So, I sit in a very large church feeling overwhelmed.
Conclusion: I need to approach all of this by picturing me alone. Alone with God. Like on an island. I will be accountable to God alone with the growth that does or doesn’t take place in my life. What I do with what I learn is what I’m accountable for. May I handle the Word of the Lord correctly and not falter in the calling He has on my life.
Right now in this surrounding, I want to save the world and bring in many 20 to 30’s and disciple and minister to them. But, I am to faithfully build my home and serve the Lord by serving and teaching and training my children. Oh, how I want and need to count it a joy to be in this place!!! Thank you, Father, for my healthy girls that are little sponges taking in every life lesson I teach. Give me wisdom to make every moment a teachable moment. <><

Missionaries

These are our dear friends headed back out "into the field." Even though, we as Christians are all in the field in one way or another, this family is moving their family of 6 (by then it will be 7) to Spain. Take a little over 5 minutes to hear their story and their heart and let me know if you are interested in partnering with them!!!

http://www.grovesupdate.com/video.php

Skunked

We got skunked two nights ago. Can we say powerful? My goodness! I think it was just my dog that actually got sprayed, but it was at the side of our house and man.....that spray sure lingered it's way into our two cars in the garage, both rooms on that side of the house and somehow through our air conditioner bringing it in the rest of the house but not as strong as the other parts. Whoowee. It stinks. So, quickly I google how to get rid of the smell. What did we do before the Internet? Then, I have another not-so-pleasant smell of vinegar in bowls set in every room. When my daughter went to school, a classmate said out loud, "I smell a skunk!" What in the world?
So, now the only remnants are the parts on the dog, we haven't scrubbed enough....that would be the inside of his ears. So, he's banned to the backyard. Whoever thought the next trial in my life would be being skunked. And, it has been a trial. I honestly think I have bits of "S.I. Dysfunction" (sensory integration dysfunction) where I can't quite cope as normally as the average person when one of any of my senses is on overload!!! So, three kids and a stinky dog messing with my clean house did heighten any normal problem I may have had that day.

Bound

I do not want to be bound by anything that keeps me from being used by God. I believe that I could do so much more for His glory if I would just free myself from the chains of sin. This is not one of my better analogies, but it came to me and was useful nonetheless.
As I pulled the lint from the trap out of the dryer this morning, I realized that the more lint there is the easier it is to remove. When you've done one load that just didn't produce that much, it's frustrating to get rid of it. I was thinking about sin and if you have a whole bunch of it and gain a repentant heart, it seems easier to purify the filth. Like a clean sweep. But, when you have just little, (subtle things here and there) they are harder to recognize and get rid of.
There is not much application to this analogy or maybe even truth for that matter, but interesting enough for me to post :)
But, then again, in the same moment of doing laundry, I had the thought that we should become a naked society just so I wouldn't have to do as much laundry!!!

Resisting

I'm continually resisting what is in front of me. What is wrong with me? I have 3 beautiful girls that require so much of me. I hear one day I'll miss this stage. That they will grow up too fast. I'm not buying it. I actually desire for them to grow up. I want adulthood for them. I can think back to my childhood days and my memory is foggy. I remember so much more from my independent days. Why would this be the most important part if they don't even remember it all too well? Most of my memories are from pictures and stories retold anyway.

So, my struggle is that I am continually fighting just my own selfish desires. I don't want to play house or Uno or dress-up. It's like I'm too tired to do that.

I want out of the not wanting to be where I am. It sounds a lot like discontentment, doesn't it? Well, if it's discontentment then there's something wrong with me spiritually. For part of the secret of being content is doing everything through Christ WHO strengthens me. I am not being strengthened by Christ.

Oh, Lord, I surrender this resistance that I have in my spirit. Take it all!!!

Change

Change is good, right? Well, Nick is finally going into ministry. Back in the Spring, we began praying seriously about it and making a move and everything in preparation for it. And, finally, it is here! I couldn't be more happy for him! But, the disturbance in the calm that was within me has me troubled. Why can't I just go with the flow and not have it affect me so? And it's not like it's faith rattling turbulence, it's just a subtle enough of a difference in life that I feel the inner turmoil. May I ride this river with peace!! That is my desire.

The other change is Ashlyn entering 1st grade. What in the world? I've longed for this for so long and she has finally began the journey of full days away from the home and I must admit that it is different from what I expected. It's a mad rush out the door in the morning. And after surviving the whining and sibling rivalry of the other two all day, it's hard to have a smile to welcome her home where she begins her homework and then wants dinner and before you know it, it's bed time! All, I can say, is Labor Day Weekend should be fun at the lake with a ton of time together as a family!

Laptop Happy

As I sit at Panera Bread realizing that this is something that many people have done for a long time, I'm feeling official. It's funny how just a laptop and no distractions can take me to different places. Now that I have this mobile journal (i just came up with that name) I think I'll have to do away with the old paper and pen. Has that time of my life really come to an end? I think so. I had been writing in journals for the past 12 years and now this gives it a new uumph (a word I've loved for a long time!)
The question for me is what will be published? I love the look and layout of the blog page and my Word document doesn't offer the same thing. I'll have to decide if I abandon completely my idea of journalling for spiritual growth on a blog or just in a folder in my documents.

Cookie Breakfast

If I could eat my cookies in the morning, I wouldn't feel the guilt that I do at night. I'd have the whole day ahead of me to appreciate the taste and to burn off those calories. I really don't have much more to say about this.

My mornings have changed so much lately. Since the Passion conference and the purchase of this new bible of mine, I excitedly wake up to coffee that Nick brings to me in bed and time to discover more about our God in His Word. What a privilege it is to handle the Bible so freely and discuss it so openly. I've been perplexed as to why I question so much more each time I read a story in the Old Testament. I'm asking things about the text I never saw in the first place to ask. Maybe you can only be spoon fed for so long. I delight in the fact that I was raised on all the classic Bible stories. But as I have transitioned into the one that teaches it to her own children, I find myself learning so much more about God rather than the details of the story. I'm excited about this newness in my reading.

Valentine's Day

With hearts on the mind, a wonderful discussion happened in the car with my four year old daughter, Meg. She told me that she had invited Jesus into her heart and I asked her if she really knew what that meant and how to do it. After explaining to her that He took the punishment for our sins by dying on the cross, I asked her if she believed that He did that for her. I asked her if she wanted to pray with me to invite Him into her heart, She said that she wanted to invite him in but didn't want Him to live there. I can't imagine what a four year old must think in trying to comprehend that. I'm just excited that she has found Jesus to be someone she wants in her life.

What a blessing it is that we (Nick and I) are in a place spiritually to introduce to our children from the earliest time some of the greatest blessings of knowing HIM!

Today is also her Grammy's Birthday! What a neat memory for Meg to share her Spiritual Birthday with her Grammy!!!

Struggling with Puppy Love

Spencer is my dog. He is only 7 months old. We bought him as a puppy (12 weeks old.) I paid a whopping $150.00 for him. Then, all the money for the shots, the neutering (poor thing), the puppy training classes (and some of the babysitting we paid for to take him to the classes), the collar, the leash, the food, the dog treats, the dog toys for him to eat so that he won't eat our furniture and the girls' toys. You can probably hear already the regret I have in buying a puppy. So I begin to struggle on getting this dog to obey when I can't even get my children to obey. I can't get rid of the kids, so I contemplate getting rid of the dog?! Nick says he loves the dog and the girls do to. Do I love the dog? I just did a whole scrapbook layout in our family album for crying outloud!!!! How long do I have to hang in there for the dog to outgrow his chew on everytihng stage? I hope this stage passes quickly as this daily testing is getting old.

In My Head

I'm starting this space as a place to gather thoughts with the intention of growing in my relationship with the Lord. See, when I'm at the red light, I've stopped enough to actually pay attention to the Spirit living within me. I believe if we would all just hush ourselves enough and write down some of what He's teaching us, we'd all grow in amazing ways. I'll take what randomly (or Sovereignly) comes into my head and form a journal allowing growth to take place.

I've often times thought that I should write a book because of my life experiences and my gifts. See, I have the gift of transparency and honesty. I have bumps in my journey that I'm not afraid to talk about. I desire for God to be glorified in talking about them and for growth to take place in other people because of them. But, because of blogging, I no longer feel that I have to write a book. I can express thoughts and join in with others in discussion. It's like a live article. I'm so excited about the sense of community that happens here!

Introduce Yourself

1.WHO are you?
2.WHAT do you do? (like job)
3.WHEN did you start blogging?
4.WHERE are you from?
5.WHY are you here (in blog land?)
and
6.HOW OFTEN do you visit?

My answers:
1. Rachel. I am a mother that struggles on a daily basis to die to self.
2. I stay at home taking care of, disciplining, and training 3 girls.
3. In Feb. 2007 but not seriously or consistently until September of 07.
4. Oklahoma
5. To grow. To process. To learn.
6. Every couple of days.

Your turn to answer :)

My Chains are Gone

So, Nick and I volunteered to take 11 college-aged kids to the Passion Conference in Atlanta, GA on Jan. 1-4! We signed up to lead this team basically because of Nick’s heart for ministry. He’s been leading a Sunday night college group (very small) over at my parents house and conversations led to the idea of us taking a group.
Okay, so this event. It was life-changing, totally amazing…..for EVERYONE there. Just so you know there were 24,000 people there. To even be in the same room with 20,000 praising our God would have been enough to change me. But, God had to go and do so much more. I accidentally forgot to take my Zoloft (I was up to 100mg/day.) So, in a panic I call my Dr. and they fax a prescription in to a pharmacy in downtown Atlanta. I go to pick it up only to find out that because it was earlier than usual insurance wouldn’t pay for the generic causing it to cost a whopping $10.99 per pill. I was only there 3 nights and 4 days. So, I decided to push through any withdrawals until I made it home. Then God started using the Messages during the main sessions of this event to challenge me right where I am in life. I’m going to make this part of the long story short. The long stuff would be for me to repeat all that the various speakers said….the short part is what I ultimately heard. I have fallen out of love with Jesus. I was putting Nick up as a god in my life. My very own husband was becoming my salvation. I wanted him to fix all my “mommy��? problems. I thought it not fair that he got to go off and have a heart for ministry while I merely survived each day at home with the children. God was changing my thinking. Showing me how to Love Him and depend on Him. I had had people tell me that what I was going through was something spiritual, but my heart and head would get so hardened because it felt so judgmental to receive those statements when I was suffering so. I needed God to tell it to me in His own AH-Mazing way. He did. He chose the Passion07 Conference to get me alone without my children or my meds to hold my heart and help me heal. After some smaller sessions, I learned even more about myself. I hadn’t just turned my eyes from Jesus; I was against the idea of being used by Him for anything. I didn’t want to be used by Him because I couldn’t even do this training my children thing correctly. So, now I have a willing heart about ministry and our future. I’ve so rested in the fact that I am His and I will go and do what He tells me to do. Upon return…..you know……to LIFE. (Where the kids still make messes and argue and the dog still chews on important things and sleep gets interrupted) I am doing so much better. I still have not taken a Zoloft since Dec. 31, 2006. I went through some crazy brain jitters for over a week. But, I cry now and that feels good. I worship now with my emotions involved and that feels GREAT! I am hanging on to the ride of life with three small children, but I’m learning to praise God through it. I bought a new Bible that I am most excited about. I had such familiarity in my old Bible and I was ready to read things as if I were reading them for the first time in my life. What a journey the beginning of my New Year has brought. I just knew that you could rejoice with me and the change God is doing in me!