Wednesday, September 5, 2007


I'm continually resisting what is in front of me. What is wrong with me? I have 3 beautiful girls that require so much of me. I hear one day I'll miss this stage. That they will grow up too fast. I'm not buying it. I actually desire for them to grow up. I want adulthood for them. I can think back to my childhood days and my memory is foggy. I remember so much more from my independent days. Why would this be the most important part if they don't even remember it all too well? Most of my memories are from pictures and stories retold anyway.

So, my struggle is that I am continually fighting just my own selfish desires. I don't want to play house or Uno or dress-up. It's like I'm too tired to do that.

I want out of the not wanting to be where I am. It sounds a lot like discontentment, doesn't it? Well, if it's discontentment then there's something wrong with me spiritually. For part of the secret of being content is doing everything through Christ WHO strengthens me. I am not being strengthened by Christ.

Oh, Lord, I surrender this resistance that I have in my spirit. Take it all!!!


Emily said...

hey! so glad to read your blog :) you know, somthing i thought of when you said you don't want to play house or uno or whatever, i think moms in this day are too pressured to do things like that. what i mean is not that we should never spend time with our kids, we should-but moms in the past did not have the pressure we do to be this supermom. my mom says sometimes, "emily, i am so proud of how you engage the kids, my mom never played with us" not that i am supermom at all, but sometimes our mom's see things we don't so she probably hears something i do with them and makes it bigger than it is. but anyways, your girls do have each other to play with and you have a house and husband to care for. i wonder if we should try to spend time playing with them but not beat ourselves up if we don't fit the mold we see in the magazines. you know, setting boundries. just a thought, i honestly don't know the answer! God has helped me to love in the moment more and it has really set me free. Not perfect, but more peaceful. Just like, whatever is in front of you in the moment, love. Talk again soon!

Emily said...

hey again! i was thinking more about what you said and trying to figure out how the Lord changed me with my children. I was exactly where you are not long ago and now I find myself with moments of frustration with them, but those really are the exceptions. Not that I am walking around in bliss by any means! But I do enjoy them more now for sure. I know it was/is only a work of the Holy Spirit. I claim no responsability for the change. The love flows from God for sure. I think it began with a desperation for change. Knowing someting had to change. I think one thing that I can see that God did was plant these little seeds in me that revealed something special about each child as a human being. Not only my child, but a little person, which they are! Those little seeds somehow grew and now I find my children fascinating! But you know, I really don't "play" with them all that much. Most of our special time is spent talking about their dreams, stories from my childhood (which they love!) and things like that. They all sort of get there own time during each day, whenever it appears is up to God. Even if it is just a few minutes. Through our relationships growing, things have changed for all of us. You know, once again, it's a heart thing, not what we do. The doing follows the heart change. God is able and so good at what He does!
I am praying for you sister!
Love you much :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachel,
I have been in your shoes! I have felt the same things. I have survived and now on the other side cry with pride because my daughter keeps a clean house and cry with pride when I see my son march in his college band and is living away from home. I ache to see him and hug him. (even if he has only been gone a week!) It will be soooo different in a few years you just will not believe it! Hang in there sister. Love, Sharlene

Kimberly said...

I just read this post and it speaks to what you asked me to pray for you about. Honestly...I can totally relate to this. There are parts of every day that I just can't stack the blocks ONE MORE TIME! I think Emily makes a good point, though, that we have this pressure on us to entertain our kids all day long and the truth is...I'm not sure we're supposed to. I know that when I'm not, though, I feel neglectful. It's a vicious circle. Please know that you are not alone in this and I have been praying for you, sista!