Freshly mowed weeds

When we moved in to this new house at the beginning of the summer, we inherited a major weed problem in both the front and back yard. I'm talking crabgrass like you've never seen it before. It's nearly impossible to see any signs of bermuda grass growing in the midst of this overpowering weed. So, we're tackling it and have hired people to kill it in hopes that next year our yard will look decent.

It's strange, but something magical happens in me when I walk out to our freshly mowed crabgrass..... I am happy! For a moment, I feel like we have a normal yard. It's green and it's short. For about a day, I feel okay about our weed problem because it just doesn't look that bad.

I went on a run today and listened to a podcast that taught on our sin nature. I believe that my sin nature is much like the roots of this crabgrass. If I'm not poisoning the weed or pulling it up by it's root, I'm not getting rid of the weed at all. By merely mowing across the top of it, I just disguise it's identity until time reveals it's there and never went anywhere.

The seed of healthy bermuda grass has been planted in my heart. I see that as the Holy Spirit. Have you ever tried pulling Bermuda grass up by it's roots? Dang! It's really hard. Harder than crabgrass, actually. I have much evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life, but my nasty flesh shoots up and can change the whole look entirely. While I know that I am not going to have a weedless life (or a sin-free life), I do know that dealing with my sin accurately can make a huge difference on the glory that is brought to God.

**sidenote** The way I handle my sin does not determine my eternity. The promise of heaven became mine when I put my trust in the fact that Jesus paid for all of my sin ONCE for all on the cross. So, when I talk about dealing with my flesh and and my sin on a daily basis, it is NOT to earn a righteous standing or anything special in my eternity. That is done and can't be tampered with. Jesus already paid it and God already sees me as righteous because of His Son. Rightly handling my sin is so that God can be glorified, others will see Him and I may have victory! **

Now, to the de-weeding process. I know that it will take time to have the Bermuda become what it seen rather than the Crabgrass in our yard. The killing off process is long. I have root sins that I am currently tackling in my own life. I want to deal with these sins SO THAT Christ may be seen in me and not my flesh. To God be the glory no matter what!

Satisfy

I'm one of those that "needs" coffee in the morning. It has always been the first thing I go to. Even to read the Bible, I "need" my coffee. So, on our recent camping trip in Colorado, for the first time out of all my camping, I didn't have to have "cowboy coffee" because who does that when VIA exists? I felt so spoiled having such a good cup of joe in a camping environment. Now I sound like a commercial for VIA or something. I'm not trying to sell it, I'm actually just babbling about my coffee addiction.

My real point is actually a sad point. It must be sad as I've sat and stared at the cursor cautioning the words in my head to sound right as I write them. Hmmm...... There are pretty much two different cups that I have in my hand on any given day. A coffee cup (up to 3 in the afternoon) and a wine glass (anytime after 5 in the evening.) Now, while the coffee is an everyday occurrence, the wine is not.

But, often enough that I am posing this question to myself:

Can only God satisfy me?

Oh, how wonderfully righteous I would sound if I said yes! But, I'm just not so sure. Do I LOVE and NEED God? YES. A resounding YES. But I'm really hung up on the word satisfaction. I know that God quenches things in me that only HE can. But are the wine and coffee habits quenching something else that I'm not allowing God to quench?

I'm putting these questions out there at the exact time of them entering my mind. With this all said.... for anyone to read, I wonder how many others have things in their lives that satisfy in ways that we believe HE can't. I'm curious. Do you have anything like that at all? Surely I'm not the only one. I may the only one that posts it on the internet for all to read, but what I do with it is the important part.

I find it interesting that I haven't posted since the end of July, and first post out of the shoot has me challenged. Well, I'll keep you updated on what God does with these issues on my very tender heart.

Love me some S'mores!!!!

So, from Angelfire, NM over the fourth of July to Lake Eufala last weekend, to camping in CO this next weekend..... I sure am getting my fix of s'mores!!! I simply LOVE a roasted, toasted marshmallow smooshed in with the rest of the well-known goodness of a smore!

But, the point of this post is not just to inform you of the amount of s'mores I've been enjoying. It is to communicate how rich I feel. We are so very privileged to get to experience these various trips and make such wonderful memories. Even in the midst of the playing referee for fighting children. Or continually spurring them on toward kindness. The hardship of training is rewarded when I finally do see moments where they are playing well, laughing together and developing healthy relationships.

Could my current contentment exist simply because of the circumstances around me being so calm at the moment of sitting down to write? Maybe. But, I believe it is much deeper. It comes from the HOPE that I have in our future. Our spiritual future. I know that heaven is a promised inheritance. I know that there is a richness there growing in my heart even now.

Even further than that, my contentment is also coming from this humble place of accepting that "I get it." Do you know what I mean? There are many people that claim to "be a Christian", "know the Lord" or "go to church". But how many people "get it"? According to scripture..... not many. In fact, if you look just at the parable of the seeds alone, only 25% "get it". Matthew 7:14 says: "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

The reason that I used the word "humble" is because I know that I "get it" simply because the Lord has revealed it to me. My prayer is that this tiny space called a blog may be used in some way as a place for more people to "get" or "see" that He is the only way and our only source for true contentment and richness in this world.

Wow! I never come across as preachy on here. I usually come across as unfiltered, honest and frustrated. Today, my heart is so full that I just want more people to know and experience life in this way!

Is It Just Me?

Maybe it's just mid-summer.
Maybe I haven't trained them well.
Maybe I was the centrality of their play-time in their early years.

But, really, all three of them? Okay, here it is: My children don't know how to entertain themselves.

Now, that I've said it, let me unload what I've felt ever since watching Toy Story 3. I heard that many Moms cried in the movie. I'm pretty sure that the part where my friends cried, came and went without emotion for me. I recognized it. But, the part where I had to hold back my tears that I fear could have led to wailing was where I watched a little girl play with her toys. She had imagination. She was happy with toys and time.

I know it's not just the movies. I've seen real-life children play with toys. So, what is wrong in the house? I do un-plugged time and they are mis.er.a.ble.

I don't ever remember as a child, the boredom that my children speak of. I loved to play. I actually loved to be left alone with a ton of time. No expiration on the play time I had. Summer. I loved summer. There were lazy days. Creative days. Plum-tuckered out days. I just don't remember the misery that my children seem to be experiencing when I "make" them play.

And, now, as an adult...... GIVE IT TO ME! Playtime. Non-stop play. Reading a book. Doing a project (that's a grown up term for craft.) Being outside.

I don't know if it's just me, but I actually had to lecture my children today on "playing."
It went something like this:

"Boredom is a choice. Did you see how the children on Toy Story played with their toys? Try that. Put some imagination into it. Once I see that you know how to have fun by yourselves and entertain yourselves, then we can do other things like: playdates, movies or the pool."

In case you read that with a calm voice, I thought I'd inform you that it wasn't that calm!
But, guess what?
Forts are built and they are now playing :)

Finding Joy

I'm out of sugar. I never bake. The reason? I make hummingbird food and I make it a LOT. I crave to see their little tiny bodies hover around the food I make for them. They drink it and seeing them that close to my windows brings me joy.

I am always amazed when I see them. Even though they are an every day occurrence, I'm still amazed at them. When I'm in the mountains and they are swarming around as numerous as flies to food, I am still amazed. I will ALWAYS like these little birds. I've always associated them with the word joy and I'm not too sure why. But, I have the small flutters of joy in my heart as I write because they are all around me.

With a different than expected diagnosis (of a loved one) I love that I can find joy. God' joy. Brought to me by my little hummingbird companions.

In Limbo

So, waiting for confirmation of a diagnosis is REALLY hard. I find that my coping skills are not very good. I can't (and don't want to) say much more. I WILL talk about it once I know. I just feel like a lot could change for me if only we knew. I HATE to be so vague on here. But, I have been bursting since Friday. I really need answers.

It's funny. I am not anxious. I completely TRUST God NO MATTER WHAT. I just want the answers for the moving forward part of life.

I know, I probably shouldn't even be saying anything. But, I do ask for prayer during this time. I am hopeful of finding something out after an appointment on Thursday at 2:00..... if you feel led to pray with me on this journey.

I question my ability to represent Christ well during the limbo part. I mean, I am listening to Matt Chandler's podcast and watching his video blogs and following him through the process he has been going through with his cancer. He is so representing Christ and His strength well. I LONG to do that, but why is it that in this in between (AND NO IT"S NOT CANCER I'M WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT) is proving to be so challenging for me?

Anyway, I would love knowing that I'm lifted up by other believers for this place of life I'm in.

Thank you!

Parenting

I want to get them to play. If they play wrong, I threaten to take "play" away as a means of discipline.

The continual referee role I play as they argue... what good does it do?

I'm frustrated by the rules of other parents. Kids come over. One can't watch that tv show. Another can. Mine can, they can't. That one they can, but we can't. Where do these decisions come from? One parents judgement that claim to love the Lord and walk in His ways shouldn't differ from another's. I'm just confused on this. Where do these opinions come in from?

I've had a rough day. I'm in a rough spot as a parent. I just needed to post these few things.

There really are WAY more, I'm just ......uuuugggh, words fail me!