Depression

I once struggled with depression. It is such a difficult and tricky thing for a Christian. I would ask myself, "Is this spiritual?" There are so many things in life that I am just so fine about because I "get" that God is in it all! So, when I was depressed, how could He not be "in" it? You can read about my being freed from depression here.

Even when you read about my experience of being freed from depression, you can see that it was a spiritual healing that took place within me. I don't see a very clear line between the two. Depression (which says to me something about serotonin levels being off) and my spiritual life seem to be two total different things.

I say all of this right now because I'm wondering what it is within me that still feels like depression is waiting for me right around the corner? When I sense it, I immediately start wondering if anything is off spiritually speaking.

Lord, hear my heart today. I'm confused about some of the things that I feel. I take such comfort in the fact that you know me so well (Psa. 139) Thank you for carrying our burdens. Thank you for promising peace!

GRACE

I definitely learned the definition of grace this morning. I knew it before, but experiencing it like I did gave me a new understanding of God's grace. It was 9:28 as I finally backed out of our driveway. I think we had already been in the car for five minutes while Kenna tried her hardest to buckle up all by herself. Patience already worn thin, I realized how late we were to get Meg to Mother's Day Out by 9:30. Still, I sped on the first street out of our neighborhood. I looked up and saw the black and white presence that instantly made my heart thump!
After getting pulled over and handing him the goods.....I sat in the car waiting to find out the verdict. I deserved a ticket. I sped. I deserved to pay the fine because I did wrong. It wasn't neccesarily an intentional wrong. I didn't set out to break the law. My circumstances of being late overshadowed the importance of following laws. So, as I had enough time to process that no matter what, when the officer came back I was either going to have a ticket to pay or a warning. I realized that it is what it is. To sit and worry wouldn't change anything.

When he came delivering the warning, I agreed with him that I needed a warning because what I did was wrong. I drove away recognizing that getting a warning when really you deserve to pay a fine is nothing but grace.
God's grace gives to us freely eternal life when we deserve eternal punishment. I am humbled!!!

Give me training wheels

We took the training wheels off of all three bikes yesterday. It was fun to watch each girl "get it" in their own way. The work involved in trying to get them to balance while pedaling and steering was exhausting. To reveal just how old I am (yes, I had a b.day on Friday) I think I threw my back out! So, now I have begging girls. They want to practice ALL the time. In my mind, I want to put the training wheels back on. I won't fear bike accidents as much with them. I won't throw my back out trying to help them.

Then I got to thinking about how I want training wheels or safety nets in my own life in many things. I don't think I used to be this cautious. But, I'm a play it safe person. All from watching my girls pedal and fall or pedal and succeed, I have evaluated that life is easier with training wheels on!

Updates

Writing and emailing all these updates on my Dad and this journey from heart attack through healing has me thinking about spiritual updates!

If I could send out a prayer request email daily updating people on the condition of my heart spiritually speaking, can you imagine how much healthier I'd be? I was driving to the Heart Hospital to visit Dad yesterady when I pulled up behind a truck who had the license plate, "PRAY4ME." I thought that guy's life must be remarkable! I actually prayed for him. Eph. 6:18 says to pray for the saints ALWAYS! Wow, I was on to something. What if I used my blog to beg for other saints to pray for me?

Lately, I've been asking for prayer on here for my Dad and his health and this journey and I'm thrilled to report that he is going home as I type :) I just really got to thinking how important updates are for people who are praying. I'm not going to have this blog become a personal prayer request place for me, but I will continue to use it so that I can monitor my spiritual gauges. What are they set to? Am I hitting the mark?


Today, I feel the "normalcy" of life returning once again with Daddy going home and Nick returning to work. I pray that I give my children lots of love and fun memories today. Tomorrow I'll worry about rotating out the bins of clothes for the change of season and cleaning the house. Today, after all this, I just need to love on them.

Hearing God's Voice

I guess I thought your "godliness" was ranked somehow by how clearly you hear God's Voice when you are in the middle of making a decision.

I'm usually not a "deleter" but I just wrote like a fourth of the story and it felt way too lengthy. It was all to say what I learned and that is that sometimes there isn't clarity even if you are seeking God's voice, will or heart. I think you can make a decision where there really isn't a right or wrong. It felt like we were in mirky water and couldn't see clearly through our circumstances to know if this was all spiritual warfare or God's way of telling us what to do.

This was something so difficult in the midst of such trying circumstances that I'm feeling very worn out.

All of this is wrapped around the fact that my Dad is back at the Heart Hospital. This time it is either pneumonia or Congestive Heart Failure. So, I'm headed up there now. That's one decision I know is right!

Leslie's Journey

I have been asked by two totally unrelated people to pray for Leslie. I do not know her, but I have sure felt like part of the body of Christ by praying for her. Here is her story. You can join me in praying for her.

The Wordless Book

This question was asked of me at this recent retreat:

What are you learning from the gospel story right now in your life?

Learning from the gospel? Well, isn't the gospel just for witnessing? I haven't really thought about the gospel in terms of what am I learning from it.
She held up the wordless book and asked:

Are you learning something about green? Are you growing in the word or through life's experiences?
Are you learning something about the black page? Are you struggling in the fight against sin? Are you stuck in sin?

Ah, now I am catching on. I am so thankful for the gospel and the wordless book. The picture of what each page represents is beautiful! With Dad going through heart complications I definitely had the gold page in my mind. Oh, Heaven!!! What a gift to have such peace by the promise of heaven. And the red page!!!! Wow, Jesus' blood offered so that we may have access to everything. We can enter the Holy of Holies that is no longer in a temple, but now within us with the Spirit. The white page is refreshing! I relate this page to grace. We are clean and we don't deserve to be clean. The washing of our sins is given to us at the expense of Christ. Wow! I did't really think I'd go on this long about it. But, I was so inspired about living out the gospel instead of just using it to lead others to Christ that I simply had to share it. May you be blessed by the Gospel!

My Clutch is Out

I don't even have a manual transmission, but I must be missing something because my ability to switch gears is gone.

For a little over a week I have delegated other people to watch over my kiddos so I could be up at the hospital with my Dad. I would return to my house and do some cleaning and maintenence work, then head back up there where I played a different role than I have been playing as a Stay-at-home-Mom.

So now that Dad is home and ready for "normal" life to return, I'm finding that switching gears back to this life is extremely difficult for me. I am emotional and unable to make decisions.

The Lord timed it well because I have a retreat this weekend. Please be praying for refreshment for me to return to my job well!

Home Sweet Home

Mom and Dad are packing up room 252 and heading home after 11 days! I'm so glad for Daddy because just today he said he didn't want to sleep in the bed one more night! Praise the Lord he gets to be back in his house after this long journey!

My Family

This whole process with my Dad (that we are still in since he isn't home yet) has shown a bright light on the amazing gift that God has given us in our family. Having my sisters fly in and be here with me and my brother without 14 little children in tow has been priceless. Hard considering the circumstances but PRICELESS. We love each other so much. My Dad is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Watching him go through this just has me baffled because his heart is so tender toward God.
Here he is at a Heart Hospital and the Doctors are looking at his heart, which is a muscle. Yet I'm seeing the heart of who he is in the whole process.
I also know that I'm not alone in my love for him. The out-pouring of love from friends and church members and extended family is such a rich thing to experience.
He perks up at visitors now that he is no longer weak. He's growing stronger each day. There is still no time that has been set to release him. So, for now we continue to pray for the visitors to continue to lift his spirits and the medicines to get to all the right levels until he can go home.
For now, my sisters have flown home and my brother and I are still here with him and Mom.
Tonight one of my daughters asked me what "rich" means. My quick answer was about money. Then I remembered using the word when describing an amazing piece of chocolate cake. Right now, I know that I'm rich because of the family that I have!

One Week

It was a week ago this morning that Dad came to this heart hospital. Dad has been through so much that today was such a great day to get such a great update for the Doctor. He came in to tell us about the echocardiogram. When his heart beats, the muscle that we are concerned about doesn't get pushed up when the blood flows through which means that it isn't dead. Instead, it lays flat when the blood flows which means there is a chance that it could still repair. The rest of his heart has handled the added weight perfectly. We are 60 hours into our 72 hour wait to see how his heart is handling what happened Saturday morning. So far, so good!

His vitals have remained really good! His color looks good! His spirits are high! I believe this is all because of your prayer.

We are now just on the road to adjusting his medicines to get him to a place where he can go home.

My heart is so happy to see a smile on his face. He has felt blessed to see us (his family) by his side and to see loved ones pour out prayer on his behalf. What a great day!!!! Praise the Lord!!!

To God be the glory; great things He has done!!!

No Update

Sometimes waiting can be really hard. Today is Sunday and I feel bad that I don't have anything more to update people with on my Dad. I haven't sent out an email because there isn't much to report. I don't want to alarm anyone with the episodes we've faced today. So I'll write here instead.

Dad was experiencing some shortness of breath and began to get pale once again. Only this time it was not his heart. It was because of the fluid in his lungs. Words like Congestive Heart Failure were tossed out there. But, he responded so well and rather quickly to the medicines that gave him for that.

They have not yet done the "echo" to look at the heart. Again, another thing to wait on.

So, with this waiting, I just pray.

Lord, I trust you. I take comfort in knowing that you have planned and know what is going to happen. Continue to give us grace, patience and peace. Help Daddy to not feel "down" because of the circumstances of his stay. Thank you for giving him Your Peace. I see it in his face and that is a precious gift You've given.

God is in Control

This morning Dad had a second heart attack in the same place of his heart as the first one. In the middle of the heart attack they were able to take him back to take a look at the heart.



Here were the findings:

The front wall of his heart is damaged. They won't know if it is permanently damaged or if it will begin to strengthen and heal until time passes. They suctioned the LAD artery (the one that has the two stints in) but if that part of the heart doesn't recover then the clots will continue to form in this area. Basically, the heart isn't demanding any blood from this area. When the blood isn't moving fast enough, clots form. He's out of surgery and now all we can do is wait and pray. The doctors admitted that for the next 48-72 hours, it's all between Monty and God. So pray.

Best case scenario, they'll do an "echo" tomorrow and if there is more movement from this area than there has been, it says the wall isn't dead but recovering. Then they will make plans to best help it do this.

If not, then that part of the heart is like a "piece of leather" and they have to continue to watch to see if what's left of his heart can handle the added load. Since his vital signs were so strong during this recent attack, they have higher hopes that it could sustain this added stress if this happens.

For now, we all wait and watch and pray. Monty's in the ultimate physician's hands and we couldn't ask for more.