Heaven

When things are hard, I want to go to heaven because I know things won't be hard there. Isn't that, in fact, part of the excitement of heaven? I know that the other part is being with Jesus, worshiping our LORD for all eternity. But when I utter the words, "Come, LORD Jesus" like so many of us do to suggest that we are tired of fighting the fight; I sense that it is a cop out.

Follow me on this. It's important. My desire to go to heaven during difficult times is ultimately saying, "I want out. I choose the finality of my life here on earth."

Now, tucked under the sayings of "I want to go to heaven" or "Come, LORD Jesus" it sounds almost spiritually noble.

I've struggled for years thinking of heaven as a great option. Option? That's not what heaven is. That is me merely not believing that "He, who began a good work in me; will be faithful to complete it." That is me not fighting the good fight. Not shining my light like a city on a hill. Not being salt.

I know that God has made me and uses me daily and has a plan for my life. I have HIS Spirit living within me. But, how dark is it when you face the actual temptation to take your own life? Yes. I am talking about suicide here. Have you ever thought it, wished it, felt it...... actually been tempted by it? How can you be tempted by it if it isn't something you desire?

Well, let me tell you it is very dark to have a temptation like that thrown at you.

I know I'm not alone.

I just want to talk about a dark experience that I once had so that the light is so clearly seen. The "way out" mentioned in 1 Cor. 10:13 can be seen. I was tempted to swallow every pill in my house one time. In that temptation, I wailed out with tears to God. In a fetal position, I cried with guilt that the thought even entered my head. I cried with sadness that many people feel this and actually give in. I knew I wouldn't do it, but to be tempted by it saddened me.

In that sadness, I felt the very LIFE of GOD within me. No wonder people who are not in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus are able to give in to such darkness. Was that one of the darkest moments of my life? YES. But, HE was there. It was GOD WHO held me in that place. I didn't all of the sudden spring up and leap for joy and skip around to face life. I did, however, get up. I blew my nose. I let out another cry at my reflection in the mirror. Then, I thanked God for being there with me in my darkest places.

People talk about the science of light. It is more powerful than dark. Darkness cannot overtake the LIGHT. Well, I was in the darkest place during that moment of temptation and the LIGHT of Christ shined within me allowing me to be led out.

If you've ever been there or are there now and you want me to pray for you, I take it very seriously that there is a much bigger battle going on at that time and I would consider it an honor to fight the battle with you by praying.

Psalm 34:19
"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;"

Static cling annoyance!

I was taking down the Christmas decorations and the tree stood waiting. As everything was packed in boxes and waiting for the attic, I turned and faced the tree. I did NOT want to tackle this. I could handle the ornaments if that was all I was taking down but the lights, oh, the lights!!! I watched Nick struggle work to put all those lights up! I know, I know, the words PRE - LIT are running through my head too at this point of the story.

I had those darn little green fake Christmas tree "leaves" (more like one inch static cling annoyances) all over the place. ON the carpet, my clothes, the wall, the dog....uuugh. I felt my bad mood building and decided I would just start doing Christmas decorations in the future with no tree. Bah, hum-bug, huh?

Well, now it's all put away and I'm sure that by next year, I'll have enough spirit to brave a tree with lights and the whole deal!

Normally, I put some sort of spiritual analogy into what I learned about this experience. Well, I'm blank. I just wanted everyone to get a picture of me and the tree.

Have a great day!

New

I like new! This is why I rearrange often. I only rearranged my study today, but the newness is refreshing. I gave my blog a new look as well (as I had to get rid of my Christmas template since it is over!)

With this "new" template, I put one of my favorite verses up under my blog title. It is Phil. 4:8. As I desire to think on things that are right, pure, lovely and admirable; I realized this might change the tone somewhat of my blog. I have a tendency to be so very transparent that it can come across as negative.

I think there is a fine line here. I want to be an encouragement to anyone who reads these words. I want the lessons I learn to somehow help other people. I want to glorify God in the midst of any difficulty. But, how to do all of this without sounding like I'm moaning and complaining about the things that are hard for me? I have been rather silent on this blog these past 3 weeks as I'm prayerfully seeking an answer to this.

I was reading Paul's words in Romans 7 this morning and feel like he was being transparent without sounding like a 'complainer'. So, as I write (in the future) I will be prayerful with my words so as to encourage and lift up anyone who reads as well as display God's strength and power in my life for HIS glory!

My bout with pride

The bible tells me this:

Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 1:31

As I have watched the hand of God clearly display His plan for us to be here in Oklahoma, I have had my socks blown off. As one who wants to boast only the Lord, I give HIM all the glory for keeping us here, for giving us two job offers in two weeks, for growing us up spiritually, for testing my "trusting God" muscles and for His provision.

A terrible taste of pride surfaced as I thought through my heart and attitude about living in Colorado. Wanting to be back in CO stemmed from pride for me. I have always had a Colorado pride that I knew was there. When I'd be on a ski lift (when I lived there) that pride would well up within me when asked "where are you from?". Now, when I visit and am on the lift and asked the same question, I find myself wanting to explain that I "used to" live in CO. There are many more examples that prove that I have pride about the actual place and it is wrong. It is distasteful to me.

God had to deal with me in this area to show me that it is about being where HE wants me and where HE can be most glorified. Where others can see more of HIM. It is about HIM and not about me. I get that now.

In Everything Give Thanks!!!

If I had updated this blog every single time a change was made from my last entry, there would have been a LOT of posts that would have documented this journey in a different way. Since I didn't, I'll start with how I've felt holding all of this in.

This has been an incredibly difficult whirlwind of a roller-coaster ride we've been on. Once I began to process or even "deal" with our move, a change was made. Then a conversation took place, then a thought, then something to pray on, then a dangling carrot, then another offer, then.... well, you get the picture. It has been challenging to hang on and stay intact for the whole family.

So, with that said, I've just had difficulty existing in all of this myself that I have left NO room for anyone else to be caught up in the process.

May I first begin with saying that GOD is so Good! He alone is Good. I see His Goodness. I feel His Peace. I trust Him completely.

Okay, next I need to just state the news: We are staying in Oklahoma and taking a job here. Inevitably that leaves most people scratching their heads at what God was doing on the Colorado Springs side. Well, that's for another post.

For today, for this post, I want to explain about the process of making this choice.

Most people that know us, know that for six plus years, it has been our desire to move back to Colorado. It is where our hearts were. Or so we thought....

I must say that my heart is here. It is here where God has planted us and allowed us to grow in so many relationships and in so many different ways. Telling our news of moving to CO and watching bewildered faces was one of the first signs that maybe we weren't supposed to just up and leave. I can't tell you how overwhelming it was to watch people feel loss for us (as a family) when we shared the news.

Then, you have the whole timing issue of our recent move. I believe that God led us to this house on this street and in this neighborhood. We are unquestionably where God wants us in this place. I mean, really? We just moved here six months ago!
As we began praying specifically about a move to CO or staying right here where we are, God showed us how he was already at work in and through us, here in Edmond. At that point, we decided to pursue job opportunities we had heard about in OKC. In a way that only God can confirm a thing, He provided a job that was just that; a confirmation so BIG, so GLARING, so OBVIOUS that we couldn't miss it!

What a process! What a journey! So it is bittersweet to tell you how excited we are about our future here in OK while at the same time letting go of the idea of living in Colorado!

Stupefied!

stupefied-
1. Make (someone) unable to think or feel properly.
2. Astonish and shock.

This is how I feel. Stupefied. Nick is currently sitting at a desk in an office in downtown Colorado Springs. I am sitting at our house in Edmond, OK while are children are away at school. This school is a place where they will only be for 19 more school days. Then, I'll pull them out and drive them to Colorado on their "Winter Break" and start them at a school in CO.

Meanwhile, the clock ticks and I sit here stupefied. I'd write more about how I feel but the definition of the word alone reveals that I'm unable to even do that properly. I am astonished and shocked and cannot pinpoint my feelings.

We're moving. We've done that a lot, but never like this. Never this fast. Never this quickly after moving. Never in separate stages where he's there and I'm not. Never in the middle of a school year.

Don't know what else to say.

Holiday Plans

I don't even know where to begin. I am using this post to do an announcement that will save me many long phone conversations.... I'm not much of a phone person. I'll first list the facts for those that don't want long details!

The facts:

1. Nick resigned from his job on November 2.

2. Nick had an interview with a company in Colorado Springs on November 12.

3. November 13, today... we are deciding to take the job and try to do the move over Christmas Break.



The details:

God began working in Nick's heart about what he was made to do. He learned what he was not made to do, which is sales. Having an honest conversation with his boss, they mutually decided that he should no longer continue on in the job he was doing. This mutual decision did leave us high and dry and trusting God. I began to look at life with a different perspective. I grocery shopped with a mentality of necessity, not luxury. I flexed the trusting-God-muscles I had been training over the past two years in the book, "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges.

It is so evident that the Lord's hand was orchestrating the details of getting this company in touch with Nick. Nick's entire purpose for this last job he was in (hind's sight) was to prepare and equip him to do the job he will be doing with this new company.

For six years we have lived in Oklahoma with a burning desire to return to Colorado. But now that it is here, we are definitely feeling the bittersweetness of such a desire being fulfilled. We LOVE the people we have been surrounded by and doing life with. My heart is so grateful for the relationships the Lord has allowed during my time here.

There is a temptation to give in to anxiety. Since I see God's Providential Hand in all of this, I choose to trust Him and trust the process of what He is doing. I feel like once I post this, it all becomes real and official. Wow! If you are reading this, please pray for our family over the next six weeks or so during this transition.