10 YEARS!!!!

Happy Anniversary to us!!! Today!!!! I am thrilled to be celebrating this day! God is so good and one way that I have seen that is through this marriage that is centered around HIM! Thank you God for being the Constant in our Marriage! Thank you for bringing us ten years down this road.

Elementary Empty Nest

It is here. I am filled with peaceful excitement. The drop off was a bit crazy due to the rain and all the parked cars from parents in the building taking pictures. But, my girls couldn't get to their classrooms fast enough!!! They were so excited! And I am too!

Hummingbirds Swarming

They are everywhere. What an answer to prayer!!! It began last night. I went out to move the feeder so I'd see them better and one came to me and drank from the very feeder in my hand. I knew this was God. I smiled a joyous smile. Today, the little friends have been out there ALL day. They are usually there only two different times a day. I believe this is God's way of displaying to me that He is here in my midst.

Today I read:

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."
Ephesians 3:16-18

I am empowered. I "feel" empowered. I am loved! I "feel" loved!" I trust HIM!!! How quickly God translated Knowing Truth to Feeling Truth (an answer to my sister's prayer for me!)

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My Hummingbird, My Joy

I have been fighting back tears for awhile. They are so readily there because I am sensing an unhappiness within me. Flirting with the borders of depression. I don't understand this though. I was on my bike a couple of days ago and Dave Crowder was worshipping in my ear buds. I had the strongest realization that the POWER of the LIVING GOD is within me. This is why I don't understand that I can feel this way. If I can intellectually balance the truth that He is more powerful and He holds the Victory, then why must I "feel" the emotions of defeat and sadness?

I try to simply will it away, but my first thought that I had as I woke up this morning, was that I am not happy. I'm exhausted in the battle for my children's hearts. They are crooked and mine is too. In my exhaustion, I want to run. In fact, today I have. I left my house to come to a quiet place. To reflect. To cry. To pray. To write. To think. Here I am not wanting to return because of the hopelessness I "feel." I keep writing "feel" with the quotations because I know that is a big part of the problem. I KNOW TRUTH. I KNOW the verses. They collide at me in my brain and that's where the rub is wrong. I'm standing on Truth but "feeling" so helpless.

I've just spent some time reading some friends blogs and I am struggling with the fact that most of them are beginning their school year in this incredible obedience to God's call for them to homeschool. And here I am "just a-passin' the time" until my girls school year begins. Since we've returned from our travels, I have admittedly been waiting and counting down the days. This says to me that I am waiting for one big band-aid. I keep thinking that things will get much better when they are all gone for a full day of school. So, in these next two days before they go off, I am deciding to look at this right in its face! Here I am, tears and all facing whatever this is. I am begging for God to deal with me in this place of my heart that is messed up.

One last little thought/story: I LOVE hummingbirds (as I've shared on here before.) When one comes to my feeder in my back yard, my heart "feels" happiness. Last night, the happiness I felt from my little visitors was much needed. Over these next two days, I anticipate on overwhelming feeling of happiness delivered straight from God to me because I am believing, I am seeking, asking, desiring, crying out for joy!

God, hear my heart's cry of sadness. Take, take, take it all away! I want you. I crave the JOY you bring. Deal with me. I want the places of my heart to be dealt with that are wrong.

Responses

The reports are constant:

"Mommy, my arm hurts."
"I can't get to sleep"
"My eye is burning"
"Mommy, watch what I can do" (this is a big one..... especially at the pool!)
"Look at my boo boo"

They continually come at me each day. My Mom is probably laughing right now because I was that very child. "Mommy, watch me draw this. Mommy, look at my bug bite. It itches. Will you scratch is for me?" Admittedly, I was the worst. But, you aren't capable of seeing that then. You don't even know it when you're doing it. Better yet, you don't know how much it drives your mom crazy.

I'm scared that my fake and patented responses will be seen for what they are..... annoyed settlements. My "uh-huh" and my "I'm sorry" are simply not genuine. I feel almost robotic now when I hear the tone and the approach of "Mommy... (enter your own report.)"

I guess this realization that they will one day be in my position of "uh-huhing" their own offspring makes it feel better in some way. It helps to understand that my dislike for both how I respond and how they continually come, stem from my dislike of sin. There reports are driven by selfishness. That is the part that I am repulsed by and that is the part that I see myself struggling with.

There's actually so much more that I could say about my struggle with watching them sin all day long. It feels so defeating as a parent to watch them repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I'm not God. I simply can't parent as He does. He is so patient. For now, I'll just keep on keeping on!

Audience

I hate it when I actually stop to think about who might be reading this little blog of mine. It really is intended to:
1. Glorify God
2. Promote Growth in the midst of what I'm in
3. An aid to help me process stuff
4. Allow for friends from afar to stay "in the know" with me
5. Document the good, bad and ugly

So, really it shouldn't matter to me who reads or anything. What brought this up was the fact that I wanted to share a video from youtube on here. I laughed at it. I desired to share it. Then, I wondered what different individuals would think. Funny how I can write extremely openly on my heart issues and not wonder what people will think, but when sharing content that others might not think as funny or whatever had me questioning.

I'm going to attach the video just because of principle alone that I am not concerned about what others think or even who my audience is. I also will continue to write about the things God is using to glorify Himself, grow me and keep my friends involved in some part of my life :)

Blog-worthy

I don't have anything blog-worthy to post. I have returned from all of my summer travels. The normal stuff of returning to my reality is here and in my face. I've cleaned, I've grocery shopped. I began recalling my post about my need for an extreme heart makeover where I truly desired to initiate with my girls. To be intentional. I have slacked off of that with all of our traveling and I have now found myself counting down the days for school to start. Once again my heart is starting to feel selfish. I can feel the tendencies to make choices that will ultimately satisfy ME. I am disgusted at this. I wish that I could simply wish it away. I try to pray it away.

I was just disrupted by my tantruming, disobedient, disrespectful youngest. Can you tell I'm in the middle of a bad one? I am. Here I sit writing about my heart being in the wrong place and I lean over her trying to explain to her that her issue is a heart issue. Then I feel hypocritical and like I'm in no place to effectively teach her anything about her behavior and responses. Oh, how thankful I am that the Lord is in my midst and will help me with both of our hearts!!! Until then, I must say that it is only 17 days until school starts ;)