Sunday, August 16, 2009

My Hummingbird, My Joy

I have been fighting back tears for awhile. They are so readily there because I am sensing an unhappiness within me. Flirting with the borders of depression. I don't understand this though. I was on my bike a couple of days ago and Dave Crowder was worshipping in my ear buds. I had the strongest realization that the POWER of the LIVING GOD is within me. This is why I don't understand that I can feel this way. If I can intellectually balance the truth that He is more powerful and He holds the Victory, then why must I "feel" the emotions of defeat and sadness?

I try to simply will it away, but my first thought that I had as I woke up this morning, was that I am not happy. I'm exhausted in the battle for my children's hearts. They are crooked and mine is too. In my exhaustion, I want to run. In fact, today I have. I left my house to come to a quiet place. To reflect. To cry. To pray. To write. To think. Here I am not wanting to return because of the hopelessness I "feel." I keep writing "feel" with the quotations because I know that is a big part of the problem. I KNOW TRUTH. I KNOW the verses. They collide at me in my brain and that's where the rub is wrong. I'm standing on Truth but "feeling" so helpless.

I've just spent some time reading some friends blogs and I am struggling with the fact that most of them are beginning their school year in this incredible obedience to God's call for them to homeschool. And here I am "just a-passin' the time" until my girls school year begins. Since we've returned from our travels, I have admittedly been waiting and counting down the days. This says to me that I am waiting for one big band-aid. I keep thinking that things will get much better when they are all gone for a full day of school. So, in these next two days before they go off, I am deciding to look at this right in its face! Here I am, tears and all facing whatever this is. I am begging for God to deal with me in this place of my heart that is messed up.

One last little thought/story: I LOVE hummingbirds (as I've shared on here before.) When one comes to my feeder in my back yard, my heart "feels" happiness. Last night, the happiness I felt from my little visitors was much needed. Over these next two days, I anticipate on overwhelming feeling of happiness delivered straight from God to me because I am believing, I am seeking, asking, desiring, crying out for joy!
God, hear my heart's cry of sadness. Take, take, take it all away! I want you. I crave the JOY you bring. Deal with me. I want the places of my heart to be dealt with that are wrong.

1 comment:

Nikkie said...

and, i'm praying for you my friend. i am often plagued by sadness, too.....BUT God. you are not alone in your endeavors and you are an encouragement to me!