Saturday, February 7, 2009

My Heart This Morning

I've had a lot of thoughts stirring within my head these past few days. Like multiple posts. Because of my OCD, I wanted each one to have the perfect title and the brilliance of an introduction line wrapped up beautifully with a closing sentence. My life has not allowed that luxury, so this morning, I'm stealing away time from the laundry, the taking orders of Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms, Vanilla yogurt and Oatmeal, the scrubbing the bath tub and the reading of Crazy Love (which is still kicking my tail, making me want to sell my house and give to the poor!) I'm walking away from ALL of it to sit down and dump my heart!

I have this thorn in my flesh that I used to beg to be taken away from me. If you knew what that thorn was, you'd realize how strong of a sentence that was. God has intellectually brought me to a place that recognized why I need that thorn. Ya know, the whole welcome the trial and consider it joy. The thing is: is that I get that in my head. When I'm living out the struggle, this shaking inner anger comes over me and I feel so defeated.

My sin nature. Lately, I've been picturing a new surgery. It's the removal of it. I mean, put me under (here I go welcoming drugs again...) and cut it out. I don't want it attached to me. I don't want to feel it. I'm tired of fighting it. I LOVE the SPIRIT and the LIFE that is IN the SPIRIT!!! I want only that. What I'm saying is I want eternity... heaven.... I'm not suicidal. I just think that this sanctification process is quite painful. I'm sick of SELF! This is a good transition to my next topic on my heart...

...the "25 things about me" on Facebook. I just posted an article that rips it to shreds. I like that this guy called it: "this recent bout of viral narcissism." I seriously had all this negativity associated with all these people tagging me for me to go read things about them that they essentially wasted time writing. Then, (here's the kicker) I read a dear friend's list and almost cried because of how beautiful her soul is. I wouldn't have seen those things about her with distance had I not read it. I was blessed by her list. How humbling. Also... what in the world is the difference between that and my ramblings and time spent on my blog??? Oh kicker... the hypocrisy that comes from this realization is disgusting to me. This transitions me to another thought... being Judgmental..

Who am I to judge anything about anyone when I myself am struggling so within myself. I'm not going to look at what others are doing so that I can't give that much more room for my sin nature and my flesh to grow like cancer within me. I'm so thankful that a friend just reminded me that we have HOPE. Hope in Christ and the grace he offers. His grace truly is sufficient for me! His Power is made perfect in all my weaknesses.

I'll close this vomit of my heart with something else a friend just shared with me. Facebook just seems to show only the good side of people. Their perfect little family pictures and their exhilarating status'. Rarely, if ever, do I see a status that says: so-and-so is: in the pit and tempted to take a pill. Or so-and-so is: feeling cynical and hating _____. I'm not saying or suggesting that Facebook needs to become a negative social utility, but I do wish it was more accurate in revealing to those "friends" where we really are in life. So, one note (or blog post) at a time, I'm going to say where I really am in life!

God, I am so thankful that our HOPE is in You. I see that if left to ourselves we are destructive and that we NEED You. Thank you. Thank you for teaching me!

6 comments:

Mimi said...

I agree with you on the need for honesty, but much of that confession of the soul belongs at the throneroom of heaven where it is continually cleansed by the blood of THE LAMB. Then the freedom to be real is greater and without judgment (on anyone's part). I, too, long for heaven and the glorification part of my salvation. Until then I live in Phil 1:6---He who has begun a good work in you (Me) will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Chelle said...

Pour as needed, especially if it's to glorify God or help out another. You never know who you may bless with your honesty. Praying for you.

Mari Fontana said...

I appreciate your honesty...and I too wish more would be able to lay down the masks...
I had a great comment all written out before and it wouldn't let me comment..so this time that's all you get...
;)

Aron & Suz said...

Thanks for your vulnerability. It made me stop and take stock of a few things myself.

Staceystace said...

Rachel, you just wrote my post! ;) I am in this same place with you.

A friend joked with me after church this morning, after a message on trembling before the Lord, that I had said something right this week that went along with the message. I said, "Well, don't worry. If he managed to miss that toe he at least stepped on all nine of the others!" I really walked away more sick of myself than ever.

Let's just pray for each other, okay? :)

Irritable Mother said...

Stopping for one more comment...
Thanks for sharing, Rachel.
I appreciate your honesty and your desire to be REAL.