Thursday, April 16, 2009

Riding my Trial

Today, I finished the Grace study I've referred to a few times on here. I sat in the class where ladies shared what they learned and are applying from the 10 week study. Defeat began to come over me as I realized that once again, I poured myself into a study and I'm walking out the other side of it unchanged. So badly I wanted to stand up with a transformation testimony. Something like:
"I came here not knowing how grace could be appropriated in a day to day life. I learned it as we searched the scripture. And since then, I have applied it. Now that grace has been activated in my life I am experiencing victory!"

Well, this is not me. I see it and understand it a bit more but have no difference in how my life looks. I know most of it is in my head and just deciding to do it, but really I must be stubborn or lazy but I don't want to do anything.

Pretend for a moment that I didn't like roller coaster rides. (in fact, I do and that is one of the many reasons I am "ridermeyergirl") But, IF I didn't and I knew clearly that God was calling me to get on that ride (or for analogy sake: hop into that trial.) In obedience I get on. BUT, I grit my teeth, close my eyes and grab with a death grip and decide to do just that until the ride is over. Would you say kudos for even getting on? Yay for obeying? Well, I am sure that I missed ALL that roller coaster rides are intended for.

In my life, I have said that I would obey God by "doing" what He has called. But, I am gritting my teeth and holding on in a survival mode. My eyes are closed most of the time. I'm sure that I could have an exhilarating time full of adrenaline and love and excitement if I would but let go of something that is so hard for me.

In humility and weakness, I surrender that grip that is holding me back from being filled with joy right where I am. Here we go.... even if it is one finger at a time and one eye open for the first part. I desperately want applied obedience from my study! Lord, give me all that I need to glorify you in this transition!!!


Mari Fontana said...

Great post. I relate so much to this. Maybe for me it's a trust issue (unfortunately). As if God had to earn my trust...hmmm.

Mimi said...

I have been on this journey with the LORD decades longer than you, and what I learned in this grace study (which I mentioned yesterday) about grace, power, & Holy Spirit being interchangeable I saw in I Sam 16:13 when Samuel anointed David with oil. The Spirit came upon him and gave him power to do what He had called him to do. Be encouraged. David still struggled, but was a "man after God's own heart". You are growing in the grace and knowledge of the LORD Jesus and growing pains are painful.

colorfulwoman said...

I am all onboard Rachel! My death grip is loosening a little with you!