Today, I finished the Grace study I've referred to a few times on here. I sat in the class where ladies shared what they learned and are applying from the 10 week study. Defeat began to come over me as I realized that once again, I poured myself into a study and I'm walking out the other side of it unchanged. So badly I wanted to stand up with a transformation testimony. Something like:
"I came here not knowing how grace could be appropriated in a day to day life. I learned it as we searched the scripture. And since then, I have applied it. Now that grace has been activated in my life I am experiencing victory!"
Well, this is not me. I see it and understand it a bit more but have no difference in how my life looks. I know most of it is in my head and just deciding to do it, but really I must be stubborn or lazy but I don't want to do anything.
Pretend for a moment that I didn't like roller coaster rides. (in fact, I do and that is one of the many reasons I am "ridermeyergirl") But, IF I didn't and I knew clearly that God was calling me to get on that ride (or for analogy sake: hop into that trial.) In obedience I get on. BUT, I grit my teeth, close my eyes and grab with a death grip and decide to do just that until the ride is over. Would you say kudos for even getting on? Yay for obeying? Well, I am sure that I missed ALL that roller coaster rides are intended for.
In my life, I have said that I would obey God by "doing" what He has called. But, I am gritting my teeth and holding on in a survival mode. My eyes are closed most of the time. I'm sure that I could have an exhilarating time full of adrenaline and love and excitement if I would but let go of something that is so hard for me.
In humility and weakness, I surrender that grip that is holding me back from being filled with joy right where I am. Here we go.... even if it is one finger at a time and one eye open for the first part. I desperately want applied obedience from my study! Lord, give me all that I need to glorify you in this transition!!!