Not doing so well

I don't know if I need a vacation or counseling. I KNOW that I need one if not both. So, I'm going to try it in that order. Ever since our month away in GA, I have desired some alone time with Nick. So, we are in the workings of arranging a trip to CO. We'll drop the kiddos off and go away for awhile. If upon return, I am still not doing so well, I'll go to a counselor. I have been going to The Counselor begging for help. I trust Him completely and hope to see from fruits from seeking Him and trusting Him!

Thrive

I so desire to thrive in life and not just survive. For so long, I have just been surviving each day. I want to thrive each day of my life. I will admit that it is getting easier for me. I just added a gadget on my blog that has links to some of my favorite posts. They are real. Most are about struggles of mine. As I've re-read where I have been, I am noticing a remarkable difference.

thrive
1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish
3. to make steady progress

In seeing where I've been and where I am, I admittedly see steady progress. So, by definition, I am thriving!!!

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to see the progress. It makes today's hard not seem as hard!

Priorities

So, I think that I love Jesus the most and put Him first in everything UNTIL I get free time and find that I fill it with so many other things. Our Fall Bible study started a few weeks ago and I began yet another Precept Study. Also, this year, I have all three of my girls in school every day (even if it is only for 2 1/2 hours a day.) So, one would thing that I finally have time to complete the homework each week for my Bible Study.

Instead, what do I do? I go on a run, or bike ride, or read, or journal, or kill thousands of seconds on facebook. I feel like my priorities are wrong. I don't want to use my free time to study the Bible. I always thought that I would. That is just what I thought I would do with my time since I thought that He was first in my life.

I don't have much more to say about this yet. I will. Right now, I'm just processing this realization.

Hummingbirds

BEFORE THE PURCHASE:
In an effort to chase the feeling of joy, I went on-line to purchase a Hummingbird feeder. I love hummingbirds. I have since I was a Junior in High School. I remember doing an assignment on them that made me take such great delight in them. So, I thought if I could just have the feeder outside my window that I so often stare out of with tears in my eyes, I would replace my sad emotions with delightful ones. I had the feeder in my cart and was ready to complete my purchase when I realized that I was actually on-line trying to buy my happiness. I wanted to buy something that brought me joy. I deleted the item and closed my browser.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I am so sad. I have many blessings and feel guilty for feeling sad. Then I realize that I'm really looking to have a better relationship with my children. I desire to enjoy being a mother. I long to not feel guilty and miserable about this job ALL the time.

AFTER THE PURCHASE:
As I sit here this morning, I look out my window and I smile so big just from watching Meg and Kenna jump on the trampoline. This is a long-desired smile. I have wanted to have the natural instinct to smile when observing my children. For so long, there have been negative feelings associated with their behavior and failure on my part to discipline such habits they were practicing.

So, in my effort to have a joy filled feeling, I bought the hummingbird feeder and watched with delight as the little creatures swarmed around while drinking sugar water. Now, my two little girls jump and play and bring me more joy than the birds. I watch Megan double-bounce Kenna and send her sailing. I watch them bend over in an attempt to drink the morning dew off the surface of the trampoline. Such childlike behavior has made my heart happy this morning!

Now, with the bubbles they are playing with, I could play this in slow motion and add music and I’d have myself a picture perfect memory!

No Joke

I wasn't joking when I wrote that last post. I truly thought that my life as a blogger had ended. Really I just needed to give myself rules.
1. I have found in this time of silence that I am simply unable to read other blogs. Doing this has freed me tremendously in my time and my devotion to being an at-home Mom. I felt obligated to read every time my feed told me someone had posted. I cannot be under that obligation.
2. I cannot be consumed or concerned about people's comments. I did find that my writing changed knowing that others would read and I often felt driven to write for some approval of some sort. (so this one is tricky because I will have to truly assess where my heart is as I write.)
3. While I am an open book and lack the filter that most people have on privacy or fear of exposure, I will write openly only about myself and not about any other person around me.

So, with these rules shared, I am ready to re-enter this outlet that has been so helpful to me in the past. Hey, this is like free therapy for me.

Final Post

I am saying farewell to my life as a blogger, one that posts and one that reads. It was great for a time. Thanks for all the friendships I've made on here and for all those that read that never commented. I am leaving this blog open because my email is on my profile. Since I won't be reading any more blogs or anything, I won't know what's going on with any of you unless you want to write me. I'm also on facebook if any of you want to keep up that way.

The Lord has just shown me through numerous ways that this is no longer for me. Thanks again for everything!!!!