Should this marriage end?

On paper, many things can look black and white. Put someones true circumstance in a movie and add some music and you are drawn. You automatically identify. It's in a way that suddenly you can see reason for getting out of a marriage. Are you following me?

Let me try this way. I hear of bad choices a husband makes. I recall God's promises. God's promises outweigh the circumstance and I see a happy ending. Or I watch a mother crying late at night after putting her children to bed alone and tired. She is physically unable to do any of it anymore. She is at her end. Compassion overtakes me and I think that she simply has to get out of the marriage to better survive.

You see I think our vision is blurred by our circumstances. We may know truth but once we see how hard it is to follow the truth, we don't factor God's Power into the equation. I once heard it said, "We are shown how to live in the light so that we know what to do in the dark." We learn it "on paper" so that when vision is blurred we remember truth.

In trials, don't take the easy way out. Press on. Plus, the easy way is probably only temporarily easy since we can see into the future to see what those choices do to us down the road.

I'm no counselor and don't pretend to be. Everyone has different circumstances. So, in each trial, seek Peace from the Lord on such decisions. I can't imagine facing some of the choices that my friends are trying to make. But, God knows ALL of the details. Talk to Him and I will too!

Comparison = Criticism

I know that by the title comparing gets you nowhere. I learned that phrase in my premarital classes. Anytime I'm actually criticizing something, I realize that I've thrown myself right into the middle of my view of someone else's situation.

Let's take blogging for example. I look at other mom blogs and wonder why I can't write about enjoying fall with the pumpkin projects and autumn aromas and such. I just don't write like that. But something within me wants to write so that other moms will want to come to my blog and get tips or something.

My prayer for me this morning is to not "dance for men's eyes." (this is a great song on an old album by Charlie and Nathan.)


I may not have a lot of recipes, housecleaning tips, disciplining wisdom, etc... but I sure have no problem being transparent and sharing about the refining taking place in my heart. May I not compare today!

HUGE UPDATE!!!

I just finished reading, Confessions of an Irritable Mother and now I am changed in how I think about my struggle in motherhood. Yes, I struggle. I have since the beginning. Now, I understand that the struggle in and of itself is not bad. I have learned that it is more my attitude toward the struggle. It really sounds so simple coming out in my thoughts right now. In fact, I think people have tried to encourage me over the years to consider all trials joy, to persevere and to blah, blah, blah, was all I ever heard because it wasn't born out of the SAME struggle. This Mom had (and sometimes still has) my same struggle and therefore, I was able to hear her encouragement this time!

Very cool story about how God Loves ME:
In her book she shares a tip of something great that works for her. Instead of putting up memory verses on mirrors or in cars, she tends to keep her hands in her pocket so much that she decided to write them on something and keep them in her pockets. I was thinking of personally adopting this method and contemplating which verses I should start with. When "all of the sudden" a cold front came in causing me to pull out my coat for the first time this season. I went to a doctor's appointment when I slipped my hands in the pockets and felt something in one of them. I pull out little cards that my husband had hand-written verses for memory on. There were several of them. I smiled first of all that I am married to such a man, secondly because it so closely tied in to what I was desiring to do. As I read through them, I found the one I needed to carry with me these past few days in order to press on in my job.

John 15:5
"I am the vine. You are the branches. If a man abides in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from Me he can do nothing."

Right there in the bold.....I can do nothing apart from him. So, when I'm slipping in my attitude toward the whining children I recognize that I am trying to do it apart from HIM!
The funny thing about that story is that when I told my husband about it, he got all hung up on how they could have ever even gotten in the pocket of a coat he couldn't fit one arm in. I guessed it happened in the move this summer, but really it was God's little secret way of loving me!

Perspective

Ya know, I just sounded like such a complainer in my last post. I mean all those thoughts and feelings are real and valid. It's just that I found out the day after that post that someone close to me has just discovered her husband's unfaithfulness during their entire married life. She's pregnant with their 2nd child and I can't even imagine all that she's dealing with.

I'm so thankful today for a wonderful husband. He loves the Lord. He fears the Lord and he pursues the things of God. I should have no other complaints. Thank you, Father for this amazing gift that You've given to me in him.

My little problems just needed a little bit of perspective I guess. Last night I was tackling my fourth load of laundry when all of the sudden, the washer just went ker-put. I mean, the blasted thing decided it didn't want to spin. It was full of water and I just sighed and realized it was part of going into ministry. Isn't that when everything breaks? I mean, we had to take one of cars in today to get a new timing belt. When it rains, it pours. There is not a lot of extra money in ministry. I'm excited to watch God provide for our needs. I know He didn't lead us here to play a joke on us. In a sense, I feel like my new perspective has allowed me to somewhat face these things in our life with joy. Joy in knowing I'm right where God wants me to be today!

In a nutshell

I have been avoiding writing this post. It is something I feel I need to write to really explain why I am here in the world of blogs.
I struggle so much in the day to day of my life. I don't have joy in the midst of where I am. I don't feel like I'm blooming where I'm planted. I'm planted as an at home mom to three children in three and a half years.

Here's what happened:
Got married.
Got pregnant 7 months later.
Had an infant that didn't cry, but screamed!
Got used to it, but used birth control.
Got pregnant anyway when she turned one.
Moved from CO to NC. Had a pleasant baby.
Husband traveled with this new job and missed all of this 2nd child's firsts.
Looked for new job. Got one and moved to OK (oh, and I was pregnant again.)
Had third baby girl! Got "fixed" and got settled.
When baby #3 was one and I wasn't pregnant and wasn't moving, I hit depression.

The best way I can describe the depression I felt was to compare myself to the character that Meg Ryan plays in "When a Man Loves a Woman." Only, I wasn't an alcoholic. I just felt like her. I wished I could turn to something to numb what I felt, but, thankfully, I had the Holy Spirit in me keeping me from turning toward those impulses. After a year on anti-depressants, I was freed from depression. You can read about that here.

Slowly over this past year, I have felt this discontentment within me that I don't know what to do with. I have written just bits about it on this blog. I called one of them bound and one resisting. I know that those are part of what I struggle with, but really it feels like something so much bigger.

I have discovered in my attempts to consider every trial pure joy and to try to pray through my wrong attitude toward my children that it is actually possible for me to cuss in the middle of a prayer. That makes me laugh when I tell my friends about it, but it makes me so sad that I could weep over what is actually within me. This unhappiness and unfulfillment that I can't get over is making me question so much. Each day I wake up and spend that necessary time in God's Word. I pray. I begin the numerous duties and begin the battle within me to find joy. I can't. I search on other Mom's blogs for words that will fix it. I can't find them. There is one mom that I think has come the closest. She says that she doesn't consider her children to be her enemies but sometimes mothering feels like an enemy. Er, maybe it's her expectations that are her enemies. I totally relate to that way of thinking. I was just telling my Dad that I think it's hard to be around sin ALL day long. They are three little sinners that I feel responsible for and when they make the wrong choices, it just frustrates me to sit and watch (or listen to) it. We have to continually die to our selves each day and numerous times each day. I have learned that a lot of my struggles stemmed from selfishness. So, putting my "self" aside and still feeling the way I do made me see that there was more.
I can sit down and scrapbook pictures of my kiddos, smiling as I lay them out on a page or watch my screen saver scroll through many wonderful memories with their darling little faces and truly see that they are God's blessings. I "know" all of that in my head. But there is nothing more frustrating to me than waking up every morning not liking the job I do and the person I feel that I am becoming because of not liking it.
So, I'm done writing about it for now. Praying for change. If you are reading this, pray for me. I know that in my weakness, God is my Strength. I know He is my portion. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I just pray that I will feel it first hand instead of just knowing it in my head!

National Porn Sunday is Oct. 7th

I'm still on this topic. I think it is something so large (the elephant in the room) that needs to be talked about. Someone is doing a great job of it on her blog. I won't even try to tackle it like she has. But, if any of you are interested in hearing her insights and different comments that add insight, check it out.

During bible study this morning we were looking at Josiah who was a king that purged Judah of all the idolatry including male cult prostitutes in the house of God, foreign gods in the house of God, child sacrifice and altars. This purging process took 6 years and I was hoping for America to be purged of some of the filth that corrupts our lives. I think addressing this is one of step that can help. You have to purge the sin in your own life before you can receive the Word of God. I have been so drawn to Psalm 119 especially in the New Living Translation. Read it. The Word of the Lord, His Precepts, His Statutes, His Commandments and Ordinances are to be our LIFE. What an amazing gift from the Lord.