A Heart Assessment

Random Thoughts on Authority

2011-12-11T15:08:00.003-06:00

I know it has been WAY too long! I think up many "posts" in my mind if that counts for anything! It counts to me because I actually write for growth. So, If I'm still writing in my head, then hopefully I'm still growing through many life lessons.

One thought I've been pondering lately is authority.

Jesus had ultimate authority during his time here on earth. I've been doing a Precept Study on the book of Matthew and his many miracles show what He had/has authority over. (demons, disease, nature). But, as I've been thinking about the word, authority, I just can't help but hear the root word, author. As an author you can take a story wherever you want.... You are the author. If God is the author and perfecter of our life, then why do we even want the reigns?

I'm not the author. I'm not the potter. I am the clay to be molded and I am the character to be shaped BY HIM. He is the author and I give HIM total authority without pretending to have any of it myself.

*on an authority side note*

I hear one daughter trying to tell the other daughter what to do. When the listening daughter doesn't obey the command. Commanding daughter says...and I quote: "MOM!!! Tell ____ to ________!" So, without skipping a beat and practically in a monotone voice I repeat the phrase.

This got an internal giggle of my mind. I am always telling my children the rules to follow, the behavior to do and choices to make. But, if they don't obey me when I'm teaching, why would they think I have ANY authority to get one of their sisters to DO something they can't get them to do?

Doh!

2011-10-23T15:47:00.003-05:00

"The anger of a parent confronted with a child's poor choice shifts the focus from the child's bad behavior to the parent's angry response." - You Version Parenting by Design Daily Devotional

I'm hearing the Homer Simpson response in my head....."DOH!"

This is my greatest struggle right now in my mother role. I've always been told that we are the "tone-setters" of the home and generally I'm good with that. I even feel like I am consistent in disciplining and not withholding consequences to their actions.... but, about my angry response to their poor choices? Fail. 100% fail. I'm just as immature as they are when it comes to the tantrum I have.

Oh, how I need help. Any suggestions would be great. Prayer would be best! Thanks... :)

Lord, How I need you in this area. I hate that my response to the kiddos making the wrong choice angers me. Please help me to shepherd them as you do me. Give me the ability to be self-controlled and patient with their mistakes. In your precious name, Amen

Cool Breeze Century!

2011-08-15T11:24:00.004-05:00

This week I fly to CA to ride in the Cool Breeze Century from Ventura, CA through Santa Barbara! I'm so excited to be raising money once again for Young Life! I'm finding that anytime you mention California, people want to know specifically what part. Well, I found a description of our bike route and a map with elevation that I'll post here.

The Metric Century and Century routes follow the coast to Carpinteria, then turn inland through the scenic orchards and flower ranches of East Santa Barbara County. The Metric will loop back through Montecito and on home, while the Century hooks up with the very challenging Double-Metric Century riders who have ridden the Ventura River Bike Trail, into East Ojai and over Casitas Pass and connecting with the Century Route into Goleta.

During numerous Team YL training rides, I've heard it said that if we can ride 40 + miles in Oklahoma, surely we can ride 100 in CA. It's just been so hot here, I think we are in for an amazing day on the bike. I'll try to post pics after this weekend! If anyone wants to donate, just email me or leave me a comment! (ridermeyergirl@gmail.com)

Broken Record

2011-08-05T14:07:00.005-05:00

I look at a mother of an infant and can easily remember what it felt like then. It's all about "the baby". A serious case of ESP (eating, sleeping and pooing) is all you live for in those first few months. Then, a personality develops. You live for the moments of connecting with giggles, first words and adorable moments that only someone that young can produce!

But, somewhere along this parenting journey, it shifts from "a baby" to a heart that needs shepherding. What a task! As I continually repeat the demands and the rules I feel like a broken record player....
yes, I had a record player back in my day, so I can refer to that as a valid analogy :)

Sometimes what is hard about the training of our children is how I "feel." I'll repeat the overstated rule or command and instantly think to myself, "Why do I even tell them this? They aren't going to "get it" until they are a parent." So, that feeling of "it-doesn't-do-any-good" takes over and then I am defeated.

I picture that young mother again and think how simple that was and how naive I was then. It is so incredibly difficult to parent well. Staying consistent and self-controlled are two challenges I face daily. I'm tempted with the lazy attitude of, "why teach 'em?" I mean, seriously. It makes me angry when they fail. It makes me exhausted because of the uphill battle that it feels like.

BUT YET, I am accountable and I have been called to train my children with the Word of God. And so, I do. I press on. I put my novel down and pick up the parenting books and I invest in the job I'm called to do today. For, it will be gone soon and I'll remember when.... :)

Father, I need you in ways I didn't know I'd need you when you gave me these daughters. I trust You completely! I thank you for them. Thank you for being on my team and being so Gracious. I couldn't imagine parenting without You and the Help and Strength that You are and that You freely provide. Thank you for Your Holy Spirit within me! Now, help my broken record to have your Grace Sound!
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Victory Run

2011-06-26T20:18:00.003-05:00

I've been told to go slow and not very far on my very first run since surgery. So, I tightened my shoelaces (they've been on lax-tie since January) and turned on my ipod. I intentionally did NOT wear my garmin as I did not want to see how slow I would run my very short distance back at it!

My goal was to the entrance of my neighborhood. That's a quarter of a mile.... Wahoo! We're talking big time, here!

On the way out I was paying attention to every bone and joint and muscle in my body. Then a good song came on and I felt myself settle in and a smile crept on my face. It was like some sort of long lost identity was found. I am a runner! Even when I was runner I didn't feel like I was a runner. But here I was in the 100 degree heat mid-summer-day in OK running with a smile on my face.

I came back to the house and got my knee brace (that I was supposed to have on in the first place) and headed back out to the entrance of my neighborhood. On my way back, I decided that I could call this almost ONE mile run a victory run because I stopped due to the heat... NOT pain, NOT injury, NOT weakness!!!!

I think I've logged my first run back after injury, surgery and recovery :)

I feel a little like this:

Look and Learn

2011-06-13T10:03:00.002-05:00

I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus. When my total focus is on HIM, He is all I want. He is all I desire. I’m ready for eternity with Him. I’m ready to do His will. I’m ready to be used by Him and my love for Him makes me want to live my life on earth all for His glory. May all see Him and desire Him!

I’ve just finished the first of three books that tell a story about some really bad things that people do. Since I don’t have my hands on the second book in this trilogy I just flipped on the TV in order to have some background noise as I played words with friends on my phone. The news that was broadcasted into my hotel room was so disheartening; I had to stop and think.

The book I read was fiction. The TV was not. It was showing clips of sex scandals with politicians over the years. The lies fell from their lips to cover their shame, and then the next clip was the apology. I listened and realized that they aren’t much different from a lot of the bible characters I’ve read about. It’s sad really to watch the destruction and pain from wrong choices.

I get that wrong choices are where we do most of our learning. But, can we not start to learn from others wrong choices? Now, I’m thinking about my children. Can I not show them numerous mistakes made so that they can learn? As most parents desire to “shelter” their children from hearing and learning things too early, I’m starting to wonder if the more you tell them and share with them now, the more equipped they’ll be for what they will face.

For now, I’ll continue to teach them the truth that comes from my all time favorite hymn:
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”

Hot Dogs and Ka-Bobs

2011-05-10T14:58:00.003-05:00

Inspiration for finding joy has found me today. Friendly faces fluttered in and out of my home yesterday and joy is once again restored. I'm sure that difficult place I was in is lurking and would love to set up camp in my mind and heart but it is not welcome here.

Meal planning has always been a challenge for me and when I had the idea to grill some yummy ka-bobs for Nick and me for dinner, I knew the kiddos wouldn't like it so much. So, I came up with the idea of grilling hot dogs for them. Once the catchy rhyme played in my head I smiled. Hot Dogs and Ka-Bobs made me smile. Really? Sometimes you never know what will put a smile on a face and some joy restored to your heart, but for today I will relish in it and secretly smile as we eat dinner tonight!

Tick Tock

2011-05-09T10:07:00.002-05:00

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

I grew up hearing that.

So, as I've gone to post in my blog lately, I stare at the cursor and eventually just close the screen and walk away. It is sad to me that my knee and this injury/surgery and recovery can cause such a depression within me. I used to love to run. I was outside. I was listening to podcasts. I was moving.

Filling my time doing rides and runs was great for me... for my soul... for my identity. Now I sit wondering what I will do or become if it isn't returned to me. Even cleaning the house, yoga, planting, anything with squatting, kneeling or bending is too difficult for me. So, I'm sitting in this place of identity loss and confusion.

Inspiration has left me. Motivation has vanished. And all too quickly (there's the tick tock) that big yellow bus will no longer come and take my kiddos away. I'll be in this place each day with them by my side desiring adventure and play. I am trying to embrace where I am and live fully and find the thankfulness that I have to give each day. I just needed to write why I haven't been writing.

Even the Seeds of Weeds

2011-04-14T10:17:00.005-05:00

It is that time of year again.... the time of year where all sorts of spiritual analogies flood my mind as my hands are in the earth digging, pulling, planting and pruning.

Forgive me if I've shared or overused these analogies... but the Bible is to blame. Jesus used plant analogies LOTS, so I will to.

We want the good stuff, the pretty flowers, to take root and flourish. Right? So, I look at all that is involved in helping that desire along. I find great soil and I feed each plant with some pebbled looking "root blast". Root blast? Really? Well, hmmmm..... what would root blast look like spiritually in my life? In your life?
I water. I gingerly handle the plant and give it a nice place to live as I will it to take root.

But the weeds? Oh, no! I grip firmly and practically curse the entire root existence out of my flower beds. Be gone. I give some muscle into it and I pull with might and you know what? It's messy sometimes when it finally loosens and releases it's root from it's home. A messy splash of dirt in my face and all over my clothes cause me to think about how messy it is to deal with the sin in our lives especially to the root of the issue. What has taken root in your life that will be messy once you start to get a grip on it and begin the removal process? And even more... that one weed and the root that you've dealt with all too often has inevitably left some of it's seeds in that region.

The weed's seeds are there, my friend. Once exposed it more difficult to maintain weed free. Some may hear this fully and some may not. But, I caution you to not think you have dealt with the issue because the isolated event was dealt with. Those seeds go deep. But, God goes even deeper still.

Run. Bike. Dog-paddle.

2011-04-07T08:27:00.002-05:00

Wouldn't that be a great bumper sticker? Run. Bike. Dog-paddle.

As I'm doing my physical therapy and thinking down the road of just what MIGHT be in my future, a triathlon popped into my head. When it popped in, I came up with this bumper sticker idea and think I could get pretty rich off of it. I can't tell you how many people say that the swim is their weak area.

Then, you know me... I had to plug this in somehow to something spiritual. :)

How many of us have a weak area? Praying. Evangelizing. Reading or memorizing Scripture. Giving.

When I think of God desiring our WHOLE heart, our WHOLE mind and our WHOLE soul (Matthew 22:37) I want to give 100% in all areas. Instead of passing something off as weakness, I want to let that be an area for HIM to be STRONG. (2 Corinthians 12:10b) And Lastly, I know that God desires for us to be sold out in one direction or the other (Matthew 6:24). He will not stand for the lukewarm (Revelation 3:15 & 16).

So, I will strive to use God's strength in ALL areas of my life. Will You?

And about that bumper sticker... I may not strive to be a better swimmer, so if any of you turn this into a bumper sticker, just make sure I get some of the proceeds!

Egg Shell Growth

2011-03-30T10:41:00.004-05:00

Since I'm an open book, the real deal, extremely (too a fault sometimes) transparent; I used to the think of the idea of "walking on eggshells" as wrong. But this morning when approached by a subject matter that I KNOW can put a halt to the rhythm of our school morning routine I decided that there was nothing more appropriate or right than walking on eggshells!

As I treaded lightly through the minefield of this dilemma, I realized that over the years, wisdom has found me. Ironically enough, smarts hasn't found me as I've spell-checked twice already :)

Please hear me. This is not a prideful tone saying wisdom has found me. Truly it's an "a-ha" moment for me to watch how I respond differently to things because of life's experiences.

My Daddy always told me I wouldn't be grown-up until I ate tomatoes. Well, I eat them now, but I think I've grown up and matured because I'm finally learning from so many battles that could have been avoided had I treaded lightly!

Live Fully

2011-03-10T09:21:00.004-06:00

When I wrote about our decision to stay in OK instead of moving to CO I had said that God clearly showed us we were to be here. There was a work that God had begun here on this street and I knew in my heart that God wanted me to listen to Him and be used by Him. I am so humbled as I write this story.

I remember thinking and possibly even saying to Nick that if we are called to stay in OK for my neighbor to enter into a relationship with Jesus, securing a place with God in eternity, then it is worth it! So, as documented on my blog, we accepted the job in December and I had mentally prepared for the years of growing in my relationship and watching for opportunities for God to use me and my life to show her HIM! These things take time, right? .....Yeah, on God's time table. Who knows how many perfectly placed seeds had been placed in her 50 + years of life that brought her to her readiness to call on His name and invite Him into her heart just three days ago!!

In these days following her decision, I have been able to first-hand watch transformation take place. I am so full right now. My life just feels FULL. I am humbled to be in a place where God is using me. Here I was in the midst of some physical pain and out of my routine trying to learn to give thanks in everything and BAM... My neighbor accepts Jesus!

Through this process, I realize how rich in faith I am. How blessed I am for all the felt board stories, sword drills, bible verses memorized, life lessons learned, and 30 plus years of being in a relationship with Jesus. I am rich and I am full. I am choosing to live more fully with thankfulness in my heart. Are you?

MRI results are in...

2011-03-07T13:15:00.003-06:00

.....As I laid in two different machines that hammered away images that would reveal to the doctor exactly what action to take with my troubled shoulder and knee, I prayed. I told God that I was so glad that He knew exactly what was going on and I took great comfort that the same God that created all the tissue and tendons and muscles and bones in my body was with me in the stillness (but not the silence) of the MRI.

Today, I patiently waited for the Dr. to finally review what was found. I felt like a medical student hearing advanced terminology for the first time and needing to see it all written on a piece of paper. Okay, i don't really know what it feels like to be a medical student in any way at all, but you get the point.

I received a steroid shot in my shoulder today to help with the rotator cuff impingement. After the inflammation is down a bit, with some stretching, hopefully we will kick this bursitis right out of there :) .... maybe swimming will be in my future?

Surgery has been schedule for my knee the week after spring break. We would have done it this week, but I am planning on taking my girls to CO for their Spring Break and I did not want to cancel on them.

So, the specifics: It's a knee arthroscopy with lateral meniscectomy and a chondroplasty. Yeah, I had to google all those words. Basically a short outpatient arthroscopic knee surgery with a pretty good recovery time.... considering I've already been out of commission for six weeks. Heck, what's another month or two?

My attitude and "take" on the report: I'm thankful. I'm thankful for doctors that can actually do something about what I've been suffering from. I will be posting soon about a book I'm reading that is showing/teaching me the importance of thankfulness in EVERTYTHING!!!!

I Defer

2011-03-02T11:51:00.005-06:00

de·fer/diˈfər/Verb
1. Put off (an action or event) to a later time; postpone.
2. Submit humbly to

I just sent an email to the people who run the OKC Memorial Marathon. I am requesting to defer my registration to next year's event. I had an MRI on my knee yesterday and will find out exactly what is going on with it on Monday. I haven't been able to run since the end of January and I have, as the definition above says in #2.... submitted humbly to this.

Defeat and depression are two temptations I'm battling with often as a result of not being able to currently do anything in the physical exercise department. Yeah, it's more than just my knee. I edited the Children's song to apply specifically to my areas of trouble.... It goes like this:
"Neck and shoulder, back and knee, back and knee..." (sung to head and shoulders knees and toes)
I could throw in the past injuries that include the finger and wrist, but who needs to hear about that? All I know is yoga, swimming, biking, walking, running, jumping jacks, or the like are OUT!

So, how am I handling this? Most days, victoriously.

Knowing that this is just a season helps me. This is why I chose to defer my registration. I have my sight set on the future time when my body might be able to be conditioned once again. Until then, I'm trying my best to NOT complain in today's season. So, if you are hanging out with me and I'm quiet.... I'm just choosing to not complain.

My REFUGE

2011-02-07T15:15:00.004-06:00

Like a journal that was lost or forgotten, How do I even catch this blog up after a month?

It's not that SO much has happened, it's that I've had so much negativity within me, each time I began a post, It came out too "junky" if you will.

Nick has begun traveling with his new job. This is only somewhat of a hardship. I remember having little pre-schoolers with a traveling husband and that was a HUGE hardship. It's nice that the girls are older and it is not as difficult to manage things around here while he's gone. But, it still is a hardship nonetheless.

I've had physical sickness and pains this past month that have me at my whit's end!!!

We have had and will have again snow around here causing school to be closed.... egats! Need I say more about that one?

But I must say that in the midst of all of this, I feel so close to Jesus. He is my true REFUGE. I completely trust that I am right where I am supposed to be and that my current difficulties are hand-crafted for me.

As I've been in Physical Therapy, I see a guy next to me who truly does have it worse than me. But, that doesn't make my "bad" go away. As a matter of fact, ( I know I've posted about this before.... but here I go again) a healthy dose of perspective is good for any or all who will but look. There is a HUGE difference between taking a look to gain perspective and taking a look to compare.

My church just did a wonderful sermon on comparisons this past week. Check it out if you want to here! All of it was so applicable. So, now, in the hard that I've had and the hard I will have, I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus asking Him what I am to learn from it. Who am I to be as a result of it?

God, May I be a wonderful example to all or any that watch what I go through. May your Spirit deliver the patience and strength I need. Thank you for personally loving me. Thank you for being on my side and not against me.

Heaven

2011-01-06T11:45:00.004-06:00

When things are hard, I want to go to heaven because I know things won't be hard there. Isn't that, in fact, part of the excitement of heaven? I know that the other part is being with Jesus, worshiping our LORD for all eternity. But when I utter the words, "Come, LORD Jesus" like so many of us do to suggest that we are tired of fighting the fight; I sense that it is a cop out.

Follow me on this. It's important. My desire to go to heaven during difficult times is ultimately saying, "I want out. I choose the finality of my life here on earth."

Now, tucked under the sayings of "I want to go to heaven" or "Come, LORD Jesus" it sounds almost spiritually noble.

I've struggled for years thinking of heaven as a great option. Option? That's not what heaven is. That is me merely not believing that "He, who began a good work in me; will be faithful to complete it." That is me not fighting the good fight. Not shining my light like a city on a hill. Not being salt.

I know that God has made me and uses me daily and has a plan for my life. I have HIS Spirit living within me. But, how dark is it when you face the actual temptation to take your own life? Yes. I am talking about suicide here. Have you ever thought it, wished it, felt it...... actually been tempted by it? How can you be tempted by it if it isn't something you desire?

Well, let me tell you it is very dark to have a temptation like that thrown at you.

I know I'm not alone.

I just want to talk about a dark experience that I once had so that the light is so clearly seen. The "way out" mentioned in 1 Cor. 10:13 can be seen. I was tempted to swallow every pill in my house one time. In that temptation, I wailed out with tears to God. In a fetal position, I cried with guilt that the thought even entered my head. I cried with sadness that many people feel this and actually give in. I knew I wouldn't do it, but to be tempted by it saddened me.

In that sadness, I felt the very LIFE of GOD within me. No wonder people who are not in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus are able to give in to such darkness. Was that one of the darkest moments of my life? YES. But, HE was there. It was GOD WHO held me in that place. I didn't all of the sudden spring up and leap for joy and skip around to face life. I did, however, get up. I blew my nose. I let out another cry at my reflection in the mirror. Then, I thanked God for being there with me in my darkest places.

People talk about the science of light. It is more powerful than dark. Darkness cannot overtake the LIGHT. Well, I was in the darkest place during that moment of temptation and the LIGHT of Christ shined within me allowing me to be led out.

If you've ever been there or are there now and you want me to pray for you, I take it very seriously that there is a much bigger battle going on at that time and I would consider it an honor to fight the battle with you by praying.

Psalm 34:19
"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;"

Static cling annoyance!

2011-01-04T08:58:00.003-06:00

I was taking down the Christmas decorations and the tree stood waiting. As everything was packed in boxes and waiting for the attic, I turned and faced the tree. I did NOT want to tackle this. I could handle the ornaments if that was all I was taking down but the lights, oh, the lights!!! I watched Nick ~~struggle~~ work to put all those lights up! I know, I know, the words PRE - LIT are running through my head too at this point of the story.

I had those darn little green fake Christmas tree "leaves" (more like one inch static cling annoyances) all over the place. ON the carpet, my clothes, the wall, the dog....uuugh. I felt my bad mood building and decided I would just start doing Christmas decorations in the future with no tree. Bah, hum-bug, huh?

Well, now it's all put away and I'm sure that by next year, I'll have enough spirit to brave a tree with lights and the whole deal!

Normally, I put some sort of spiritual analogy into what I learned about this experience. Well, I'm blank. I just wanted everyone to get a picture of me and the tree.

Have a great day!

New

2010-12-29T15:36:00.003-06:00

I like new! This is why I rearrange often. I only rearranged my study today, but the newness is refreshing. I gave my blog a new look as well (as I had to get rid of my Christmas template since it is over!)

With this "new" template, I put one of my favorite verses up under my blog title. It is Phil. 4:8. As I desire to think on things that are right, pure, lovely and admirable; I realized this might change the tone somewhat of my blog. I have a tendency to be so very transparent that it can come across as negative.

I think there is a fine line here. I want to be an encouragement to anyone who reads these words. I want the lessons I learn to somehow help other people. I want to glorify God in the midst of any difficulty. But, how to do all of this without sounding like I'm moaning and complaining about the things that are hard for me? I have been rather silent on this blog these past 3 weeks as I'm prayerfully seeking an answer to this.

I was reading Paul's words in Romans 7 this morning and feel like he was being transparent without sounding like a 'complainer'. So, as I write (in the future) I will be prayerful with my words so as to encourage and lift up anyone who reads as well as display God's strength and power in my life for HIS glory!

My bout with pride

2010-12-06T09:53:00.002-06:00

The bible tells me this:

Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 1:31

As I have watched the hand of God clearly display His plan for us to be here in Oklahoma, I have had my socks blown off. As one who wants to boast only the Lord, I give HIM all the glory for keeping us here, for giving us two job offers in two weeks, for growing us up spiritually, for testing my "trusting God" muscles and for His provision.

A terrible taste of pride surfaced as I thought through my heart and attitude about living in Colorado. Wanting to be back in CO stemmed from pride for me. I have always had a Colorado pride that I knew was there. When I'd be on a ski lift (when I lived there) that pride would well up within me when asked "where are you from?". Now, when I visit and am on the lift and asked the same question, I find myself wanting to explain that I "used to" live in CO. There are many more examples that prove that I have pride about the actual place and it is wrong. It is distasteful to me.

God had to deal with me in this area to show me that it is about being where HE wants me and where HE can be most glorified. Where others can see more of HIM. It is about HIM and not about me. I get that now.

In Everything Give Thanks!!!

2010-11-24T18:18:00.005-06:00

If I had updated this blog every single time a change was made from my last entry, there would have been a LOT of posts that would have documented this journey in a different way. Since I didn't, I'll start with how I've felt holding all of this in.

This has been an incredibly difficult whirlwind of a roller-coaster ride we've been on. Once I began to process or even "deal" with our move, a change was made. Then a conversation took place, then a thought, then something to pray on, then a dangling carrot, then another offer, then.... well, you get the picture. It has been challenging to hang on and stay intact for the whole family.

So, with that said, I've just had difficulty existing in all of this myself that I have left NO room for anyone else to be caught up in the process.

May I first begin with saying that GOD is so Good! He alone is Good. I see His Goodness. I feel His Peace. I trust Him completely.

Okay, next I need to just state the news: We are staying in Oklahoma and taking a job here. Inevitably that leaves most people scratching their heads at what God was doing on the Colorado Springs side. Well, that's for another post.

For today, for this post, I want to explain about the process of making this choice.

Most people that know us, know that for six plus years, it has been our desire to move back to Colorado. It is where our hearts were. Or so we thought....

I must say that my heart is here. It is here where God has planted us and allowed us to grow in so many relationships and in so many different ways. Telling our news of moving to CO and watching bewildered faces was one of the first signs that maybe we weren't supposed to just up and leave. I can't tell you how overwhelming it was to watch people feel loss for us (as a family) when we shared the news.

Then, you have the whole timing issue of our recent move. I believe that God led us to this house on this street and in this neighborhood. We are unquestionably where God wants us in this place. I mean, really? We just moved here six months ago!
As we began praying specifically about a move to CO or staying right here where we are, God showed us how he was already at work in and through us, here in Edmond. At that point, we decided to pursue job opportunities we had heard about in OKC. In a way that only God can confirm a thing, He provided a job that was just that; a confirmation so BIG, so GLARING, so OBVIOUS that we couldn't miss it!

What a process! What a journey! So it is bittersweet to tell you how excited we are about our future here in OK while at the same time letting go of the idea of living in Colorado!

Stupefied!

2010-11-17T14:46:00.003-06:00

stupefied-
1. Make (someone) unable to think or feel properly.
2. Astonish and shock.

This is how I feel. Stupefied. Nick is currently sitting at a desk in an office in downtown Colorado Springs. I am sitting at our house in Edmond, OK while are children are away at school. This school is a place where they will only be for 19 more school days. Then, I'll pull them out and drive them to Colorado on their "Winter Break" and start them at a school in CO.

Meanwhile, the clock ticks and I sit here stupefied. I'd write more about how I feel but the definition of the word alone reveals that I'm unable to even do that properly. I am astonished and shocked and cannot pinpoint my feelings.

We're moving. We've done that a lot, but never like this. Never this fast. Never this quickly after moving. Never in separate stages where he's there and I'm not. Never in the middle of a school year.

Don't know what else to say.

Holiday Plans

2010-11-13T14:47:00.005-06:00

I don't even know where to begin. I am using this post to do an announcement that will save me many long phone conversations.... I'm not much of a phone person. I'll first list the facts for those that don't want long details!

The facts:

1. Nick resigned from his job on November 2.

2. Nick had an interview with a company in Colorado Springs on November 12.

3. November 13, today... we are deciding to take the job and try to do the move over Christmas Break.

The details:

God began working in Nick's heart about what he was made to do. He learned what he was not made to do, which is sales. Having an honest conversation with his boss, they mutually decided that he should no longer continue on in the job he was doing. This mutual decision did leave us high and dry and trusting God. I began to look at life with a different perspective. I grocery shopped with a mentality of necessity, not luxury. I flexed the trusting-God-muscles I had been training over the past two years in the book, "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges.

It is so evident that the Lord's hand was orchestrating the details of getting this company in touch with Nick. Nick's entire purpose for this last job he was in (hind's sight) was to prepare and equip him to do the job he will be doing with this new company.

For six years we have lived in Oklahoma with a burning desire to return to Colorado. But now that it is here, we are definitely feeling the bittersweetness of such a desire being fulfilled. We LOVE the people we have been surrounded by and doing life with. My heart is so grateful for the relationships the Lord has allowed during my time here.

There is a temptation to give in to anxiety. Since I see God's Providential Hand in all of this, I choose to trust Him and trust the process of what He is doing. I feel like once I post this, it all becomes real and official. Wow! If you are reading this, please pray for our family over the next six weeks or so during this transition.

Hanging My Hat

2010-10-22T14:16:00.005-05:00

In April of 2009, I watched my friend cross the finish line of a marathon and I was inspired. Most of you know that I went on to buy some running shoes and become a girls who runs. I began my year of 2010 with my first 1/2 Marathon in Austin, TX! Then I incorporated a local 10k into part of my training for the full marathon that I ran in April. And then, this past sunday, I ran another 1/2 in Denver, CO.

As this week has gone by, I've flipped through my running magazines to see if anything catches my attention for what's next on my running radar. I've concluded that it's time to hang my hat for events for 2010. It's been an amazing year and I hope to start topping this year with even better ones to come!

I've learned so much in devoting time to prepare for long distance running event. I know I've mentioned most of it here on this blog. Today, I'm thankful that I got to have a full year of health allowing me to be in a place where I could train for and complete such events.

God, thanks for allowing my body to perform these fun endeavors. Thank you for the wisdom that I've been exposed to just through the men that have devoted their lives to preaching your Word. I thank you for Andy Stanley, Matt Chandler and Francis Chan who have correctly handled your Word and been faithful to deliver the message you give to them week after week. Thank you for the technological advancements that allow me to have such sermons so accessible to me during the hours spent running. May I always hold running with an open hand to you. Take it away anytime you see fit. Allow me to continue to do it if it brings you the most honor and glory!

And, with that, my hat is hung for now ;)

Buddy Tape

2010-10-14T15:24:00.005-05:00

Over the summer, on a water skiing trip, I sprained my finger. It only hurt right when I did it and I never thought about it again. Until I lifted pillows off of my bed and the finger easily slipped, straining that same ligament again. For months, I would "baby" that finger in hopes that I could quit re-inuring it. It kept happening and kept making me mad. At one point, I tried a finger splint but felt stiffening pain that just didn't feel right.

So, finally after three months, I had a "final blow" where I swiped it the wrong way and the pain told me that I was going to continue to sprain it all too easily if I didn't do whatever I needed to do to let it heal.

That day, I attempted to "buddy tape" my fingers. Two days later, I swiped it again WITH the tape on. That's when I realized I must have had it taped wrong. So, I googled how to buddy tape fingers together and did it as instructed.

Here is what is interesting to me about this whole ordeal. I've had a finger injury, a problem that has needed to be dealt with, since July. Only now, in October have I taken action and done something about it. Well, stiff taped up fingers, I have found is definitely something people notice and ask about. EVERYONE I see has asked what happened to my finger.

I find it curious in answering because I have injured it on so many occasions, I don't really know where to begin.

But, plugging this in to a spiritual analogy, I see that people can be walking around with all sorts of problems or injuries that need to be dealt with. When you finally see a splint or medical tape on them, it is the indicator that something has gone wrong and needs to be made right.

Something that no one knew I was suffering from or dealing with is now made known. Hmmm... how many of us see people every day and don't notice the ache or the actions that could reveal a need for some "buddy tape?" So, as my finger heals and the questions about it keep on coming, you can know that I have on my mind that we all need to bandage some other ache or pain in our lives to allow for healing to take place. :)

Sibling Rivalry Solution

2010-10-11T10:01:00.003-05:00

Do you have siblings? Did you grow up not liking them then, but do now? I know everybody's story is different. Me? I am the youngest of four. They were mean to me. There was fighting. There was dislike among us. In fact, we didn't get to be friends until we became adults. So, why try so hard to get my children to get along and like each other when my story is similar to so many others?

I'd rather them just accept the not liking each other, but keep a peace in this home until they are mature enough to get along on their own doing. Forcing them to hug or say "I love you" or even look at each other with kind faces feels impossible.

So........

I came up with a saying that I hung on my refrigerator this morning. It can really be applied to any relationship we are currently in:

I wanted to say "You can't change each other", but I don't like using the "can't" word when teaching. So, we'll see how that goes. :)

Now I "Get It!"

2010-09-22T15:49:00.002-05:00

I have struggled for years with having a goal of trying to be "Christ-like" in my actions. Seriously. I would try so hard to do things the way He did, or respond the way He would. You know the whole: "WWJD (what would Jesus do?)" thing. I have often thrown my hands up in frustration of why we go after the unattainable goal of trying to imitate HIM!

The exhaustion that comes from experiencing defeat in whatever area of weakness you have is overwhelming. I've accepted over the years that this is just the way it is.....

.....until now....

....I kind of want you to go download Andy Stanley's Character Under Construction (Part 2) from iTunes first and then read the rest of this...... He says it so well. I so "Get IT" now.

I can't do (fill in the blank), but HE CAN!!!! The key is to: ABIDE.

Stay close. Don't think in terms of imitating HIM, think in terms of uninterrupted fellowship! Stay grafted in so that He produces fruit THROUGH us, not IN is. It's about viewing your entire Christian life in pure relationship. Allowing Him to live His life through us. We have huge holes and gaps and flaws in our character and we can't bridge the gap. He can do it through us!

Three things to remember when thinking about "abiding":
1. Think and act relationally, not religiously.
2. Focus on association and not imitation. You can't imitate Jesus.
3. I can't, but HE CAN through me.

I know I can't be a great unselfish Mother. But, He can through me. I will wake up in the morning and not be surprised by the area of my "trouble". I know where I'm tempted. I will look at the potential battle and anticipate it and I will pray:

Lord, today I can't deal with being a mother. But, I know that you can through me. * Amen *

Sanctification is slow....

2010-09-20T13:49:00.003-05:00

I ran to my parents house this morning. It usually takes 20 minutes in the car. It took almost 2 hours. It got me thinking about how our 10 hour drive to CO is only a short 1:15 flight.

In knowing there are quicker ways to get places because of the advancements that have been made by mankind, I wonder if this isn't why we struggle with the sanctification process so much?

I have been a believer for 31 of my 35 years of life. I've chosen to walk in His ways, Study His Word and follow Him with my life for over 15 of those years. So, I feel like I would expect to be further along in that Holiness, sanctified process! How much harder it seems it is for the new believer in this age to want to "get there" by such a quicker route!

Do you think that the people who lived before automobiles had a keener sense of spiritual growth because they didn't have and instant gratification problem like we do?

I wonder!!!!

Perspective

2010-09-13T16:22:00.002-05:00

Having a road closed can be such a nuisance......

when you are a driver seeking the fastest route.

But, when you are a runner wanting solitude on a stretch of road..... it is like royal treatment!!!!

What may be bad or painful to someone else could actually be a blessing to another. Perspective. I always am in need of it.

It is a sad thing for me to confess and admit that the reason I haven't been posting on my blog lately is because I've had NOTHING positive or uplifting to say. I could sadly report each day the state my heart has been in, but I do NOT want to be a complainer. So, I remain silent. The silence is staring me in the face as I continually turn my computer on and read other people's insights.

Today, on this run where I gained a wonderful perspective on having a road closed nearby, I realized my need for a bit of perspective on my struggles.

LORD, right now, I only know in my head that in you there is victory! I know and trust that you love me. I feel like the job I have is too difficult for me? Whether it is perspective or brokenness or tragedy that you need to give me, I ask for it. I canNOT keep on thinking that the "road closed sign" is such a bummer. I am ready to have YOUR perspective on things!

Exactly!

2010-09-06T20:38:00.003-05:00

i went to post some variation of my frustrations tonight and before posting, decided to read my recent posts from other friends. This is all that really needs to be said of my night. Thanks Nikkie!!!!

When what you’re dealing with seems just not right.

Or the pain seems too intense to bear.

If the end of the story is unknown

and the water you’re treading threatens to take what seems to be your very breath.

Do me a favor, ok?

Hold on.

Don’t let go.

Do the next thing.

Lean heavily on Him.

And keep moving, please.

For tomorrow?

Well, it’s a new day.

And there’s One who holds it when your grip is slipping.

That pain you’re bearing? He can handle the load.

He’ll keep the water in just the right spot so that even though the choking and sputtering continues, you will not drown.

You will not drown.

Because He sees the end of the story.

His plan is in process.

And the grip holding, the load bearing, the near drowning?

They will have a bittersweet flavor as the end of this story turns the corner.

Promise.

Hang on, friend.

Hang on.

Freshly mowed weeds

2010-08-30T11:08:00.002-05:00

When we moved in to this new house at the beginning of the summer, we inherited a major weed problem in both the front and back yard. I'm talking crabgrass like you've never seen it before. It's nearly impossible to see any signs of bermuda grass growing in the midst of this overpowering weed. So, we're tackling it and have hired people to kill it in hopes that next year our yard will look decent.

It's strange, but something magical happens in me when I walk out to our freshly mowed crabgrass..... I am happy! For a moment, I feel like we have a normal yard. It's green and it's short. For about a day, I feel okay about our weed problem because it just doesn't look that bad.

I went on a run today and listened to a podcast that taught on our sin nature. I believe that my sin nature is much like the roots of this crabgrass. If I'm not poisoning the weed or pulling it up by it's root, I'm not getting rid of the weed at all. By merely mowing across the top of it, I just disguise it's identity until time reveals it's there and never went anywhere.

The seed of healthy bermuda grass has been planted in my heart. I see that as the Holy Spirit. Have you ever tried pulling Bermuda grass up by it's roots? Dang! It's really hard. Harder than crabgrass, actually. I have much evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life, but my nasty flesh shoots up and can change the whole look entirely. While I know that I am not going to have a weedless life (or a sin-free life), I do know that dealing with my sin accurately can make a huge difference on the glory that is brought to God.

**sidenote** The way I handle my sin does not determine my eternity. The promise of heaven became mine when I put my trust in the fact that Jesus paid for all of my sin ONCE for all on the cross. So, when I talk about dealing with my flesh and and my sin on a daily basis, it is NOT to earn a righteous standing or anything special in my eternity. That is done and can't be tampered with. Jesus already paid it and God already sees me as righteous because of His Son. Rightly handling my sin is so that God can be glorified, others will see Him and I may have victory! **

Now, to the de-weeding process. I know that it will take time to have the Bermuda become what it seen rather than the Crabgrass in our yard. The killing off process is long. I have root sins that I am currently tackling in my own life. I want to deal with these sins SO THAT Christ may be seen in me and not my flesh. To God be the glory no matter what!

Satisfy

2010-08-18T16:53:00.004-05:00

I'm one of those that "needs" coffee in the morning. It has always been the first thing I go to. Even to read the Bible, I "need" my coffee. So, on our recent camping trip in Colorado, for the first time out of all my camping, I didn't have to have "cowboy coffee" because who does that when VIA exists? I felt so spoiled having such a good cup of joe in a camping environment. Now I sound like a commercial for VIA or something. I'm not trying to sell it, I'm actually just babbling about my coffee addiction.

My real point is actually a sad point. It must be sad as I've sat and stared at the cursor cautioning the words in my head to sound right as I write them. Hmmm...... There are pretty much two different cups that I have in my hand on any given day. A coffee cup (up to 3 in the afternoon) and a wine glass (anytime after 5 in the evening.) Now, while the coffee is an everyday occurrence, the wine is not.

But, often enough that I am posing this question to myself:

Can only God satisfy me?

Oh, how wonderfully righteous I would sound if I said yes! But, I'm just not so sure. Do I LOVE and NEED God? YES. A resounding YES. But I'm really hung up on the word satisfaction. I know that God quenches things in me that only HE can. But are the wine and coffee habits quenching something else that I'm not allowing God to quench?

I'm putting these questions out there at the exact time of them entering my mind. With this all said.... for anyone to read, I wonder how many others have things in their lives that satisfy in ways that we believe HE can't. I'm curious. Do you have anything like that at all? Surely I'm not the only one. I may the only one that posts it on the internet for all to read, but what I do with it is the important part.

I find it interesting that I haven't posted since the end of July, and first post out of the shoot has me challenged. Well, I'll keep you updated on what God does with these issues on my very tender heart.

Love me some S'mores!!!!

2010-07-28T11:17:00.004-05:00

So, from Angelfire, NM over the fourth of July to Lake Eufala last weekend, to camping in CO this next weekend..... I sure am getting my fix of s'mores!!! I simply LOVE a roasted, toasted marshmallow smooshed in with the rest of the well-known goodness of a smore!

But, the point of this post is not just to inform you of the amount of s'mores I've been enjoying. It is to communicate how rich I feel. We are so very privileged to get to experience these various trips and make such wonderful memories. Even in the midst of the playing referee for fighting children. Or continually spurring them on toward kindness. The hardship of training is rewarded when I finally do see moments where they are playing well, laughing together and developing healthy relationships.

Could my current contentment exist simply because of the circumstances around me being so calm at the moment of sitting down to write? Maybe. But, I believe it is much deeper. It comes from the HOPE that I have in our future. Our spiritual future. I know that heaven is a promised inheritance. I know that there is a richness there growing in my heart even now.

Even further than that, my contentment is also coming from this humble place of accepting that "I get it." Do you know what I mean? There are many people that claim to "be a Christian", "know the Lord" or "go to church". But how many people "get it"? According to scripture..... not many. In fact, if you look just at the parable of the seeds alone, only 25% "get it". Matthew 7:14 says: "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

The reason that I used the word "humble" is because I know that I "get it" simply because the Lord has revealed it to me. My prayer is that this tiny space called a blog may be used in some way as a place for more people to "get" or "see" that He is the only way and our only source for true contentment and richness in this world.

Wow! I never come across as preachy on here. I usually come across as unfiltered, honest and frustrated. Today, my heart is so full that I just want more people to know and experience life in this way!

Is It Just Me?

2010-07-22T11:07:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's just mid-summer.
Maybe I haven't trained them well.
Maybe I was the centrality of their play-time in their early years.

But, really, all three of them? Okay, here it is: My children don't know how to entertain themselves.

Now, that I've said it, let me unload what I've felt ever since watching Toy Story 3. I heard that many Moms cried in the movie. I'm pretty sure that the part where my friends cried, came and went without emotion for me. I recognized it. But, the part where I had to hold back my tears that I fear could have led to wailing was where I watched a little girl play with her toys. She had imagination. She was happy with toys and time.

I know it's not just the movies. I've seen real-life children play with toys. So, what is wrong in the house? I do un-plugged time and they are mis.er.a.ble.

I don't ever remember as a child, the boredom that my children speak of. I loved to play. I actually loved to be left alone with a ton of time. No expiration on the play time I had. Summer. I loved summer. There were lazy days. Creative days. Plum-tuckered out days. I just don't remember the misery that my children seem to be experiencing when I "make" them play.

And, now, as an adult...... GIVE IT TO ME! Playtime. Non-stop play. Reading a book. Doing a project (that's a grown up term for craft.) Being outside.

I don't know if it's just me, but I actually had to lecture my children today on "playing."
It went something like this:

"Boredom is a choice. Did you see how the children on Toy Story played with their toys? Try that. Put some imagination into it. Once I see that you know how to have fun by yourselves and entertain yourselves, then we can do other things like: playdates, movies or the pool."

In case you read that with a calm voice, I thought I'd inform you that it wasn't that calm!
But, guess what?
Forts are built and they are now playing :)

Finding Joy

2010-07-15T17:53:00.003-05:00

I'm out of sugar. I never bake. The reason? I make hummingbird food and I make it a LOT. I crave to see their little tiny bodies hover around the food I make for them. They drink it and seeing them that close to my windows brings me joy.

I am always amazed when I see them. Even though they are an every day occurrence, I'm still amazed at them. When I'm in the mountains and they are swarming around as numerous as flies to food, I am still amazed. I will ALWAYS like these little birds. I've always associated them with the word joy and I'm not too sure why. But, I have the small flutters of joy in my heart as I write because they are all around me.

With a different than expected diagnosis (of a loved one) I love that I can find joy. God' joy. Brought to me by my little hummingbird companions.

In Limbo

2010-07-13T19:17:00.002-05:00

So, waiting for confirmation of a diagnosis is REALLY hard. I find that my coping skills are not very good. I can't (and don't want to) say much more. I WILL talk about it once I know. I just feel like a lot could change for me if only we knew. I HATE to be so vague on here. But, I have been bursting since Friday. I really need answers.

It's funny. I am not anxious. I completely TRUST God NO MATTER WHAT. I just want the answers for the moving forward part of life.

I know, I probably shouldn't even be saying anything. But, I do ask for prayer during this time. I am hopeful of finding something out after an appointment on Thursday at 2:00..... if you feel led to pray with me on this journey.

I question my ability to represent Christ well during the limbo part. I mean, I am listening to Matt Chandler's podcast and watching his video blogs and following him through the process he has been going through with his cancer. He is so representing Christ and His strength well. I LONG to do that, but why is it that in this in between (AND NO IT"S NOT CANCER I'M WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT) is proving to be so challenging for me?

Anyway, I would love knowing that I'm lifted up by other believers for this place of life I'm in.

Thank you!

Parenting

2010-07-09T11:48:00.002-05:00

I want to get them to play. If they play wrong, I threaten to take "play" away as a means of discipline.

The continual referee role I play as they argue... what good does it do?

I'm frustrated by the rules of other parents. Kids come over. One can't watch that tv show. Another can. Mine can, they can't. That one they can, but we can't. Where do these decisions come from? One parents judgement that claim to love the Lord and walk in His ways shouldn't differ from another's. I'm just confused on this. Where do these opinions come in from?

I've had a rough day. I'm in a rough spot as a parent. I just needed to post these few things.

There really are WAY more, I'm just ......uuuugggh, words fail me!

Quick Trip

2010-07-06T10:20:00.003-05:00

We took two drive days to and from Angel Fire, NM for two days of play. It was a fun way to spend the fourth of July. Grandparents, an Aunt and cousins came down to meet us. We so enjoyed the outdoors.

It's often hard to come home. I return with a back that is hurt from the road trip and various other things. I see bag worms on our trees and weeds in our yard. Dust has settled on the shelves, laundry is overflowing. The normal-life things that return are the the things that I want to do well. I want to do the mundane well. I want God to receive glory in the midst of what I'm in.

Father, thank you. Thank you that we are privileged enough to get to take trips and return from them. May I continually focus on You and honor you with the things I choose to do and say. I'm so very blessed to have had a wonderful trip where many memories were made. Help me to set an appropriate tone in this home. I need nothing because in You I have all that I need.

I made the news...

2010-06-27T10:14:00.002-05:00

....even though it was in NC, here is a video clip from last year's century ride in the mountains of NC!!!

The video won't upload like most so: You'll have to click THIS LINK and then scroll second to bottom link. It's the Hot Doggett 100 link. Then click play :)

Confessions from a Mom Surviving Summer

2010-06-22T14:20:00.003-05:00

So, I'm VBS hopping. That's right. I'm in my second week at a second church. I just might be posting this with a little guilt. Like this just might be a confession. Neither of the churches are one we attend either.... okay, now it's all coming out.

Seriously, I don't see harm in it. I'm getting a break. They are hearing bible stories, singing songs, making crafts, eating snacks and making friends. I couldn't orchestrate all of those things in one week. So, It is GOOD all around.

I really do struggle with these long summer days. I do love our new home and it has definitely proved to be more beneficial to us with some extra space and a place for the girls to ride their bikes (when it's not a hundred degrees outside....which will be like in October!) But, I will say that I've allowed my girls to watch more T.V. than they ever have in their lives!!! Hmm, another confession. I may have just come up with a good name this post...

So, since this appears to be full-blown confession time... I ran into a friend the other day who has struggled through much of her motherhood as I have. We were both sad to report that we are in the "same ole, same ole'" place. When will I wake up and have VICTORY?

It appears that God likes to keep and hold me right in this place. I don't know what else to do. What is it exactly that I'm trying so hard to get out of anyway? Hardship is just part of life. Isn't it futile to try to fight my way out of this particular hardship? I fear I will turn numb in the process upon realizing that this just won't end. Wow, now I sound really depressing, but this is a time for me to confess where my heart is and this is where I am.

So, this isn't a plea for prayer (although I always covet prayers for me to biblically train my children.) This isn't me sounding an alarm that I'm all depressed. I am simply stating that summer is proving to be a difficult time for me. I remember when I had three pre-schoolers and people would ask me how my summer was going. There was no such thing as summer to me then. IT was ALL just hard. Now, summer is a break from what they are normally involved in and I'm just re-visiting some of that hard. Only it is a different hard. Much less physical and way more emotionally (and spiritually) draining and they aren't even teenagers yet!

Trash Day

2010-06-11T12:26:00.002-05:00

I get this from my dad, but I LOVE trash pick-up day!!! I even love watching the dump truck pull up and grab the bin and dump all of our week's worth of garbage and drive away with it. It's gone. I never have to see that trash again. It's a purifying feeling. Then, I go into the kitchen and throw something away. My next's weeks collection begins.

The obvious parallel to sin is unmistakable. I see my sin dealt with. It's hauled off the moment I put my trust in Jesus. However, I'm not Sin-Free the moment I'm saved from the consequence of my sin. So, I confess and repent and then turn around and sin again. Maybe the accurate parallel would be likened to communion. I can deal with my sin and know I'm clean, and then sin again.

Learning to accept that my nature (or my flesh) is something I have to battle every single day has been difficult for me. I used to struggle with hearing that we are to be "Christ-like." I don't like unattainable goals. Who does? I won't shoot for something that I seriously don't think I can accomplish. So, why try so hard to be like someone that I can't be like?

The answer still doesn't come simply, but the understanding of the sanctification process has begun. This journey of battling the nature I'm born with against the Spirit that dwells within me is exhausting. But, one that I'm glad I'm battling. (Gal 5:13-26) I'll choose the fruits of the Spirit to live by any day no matter how hard and tiresome the battle for it is.

Self Control. This has been my focus for almost a year now. I figured that I should probably work on my reaction (which tends to be completely lacking of any evidence of self-control) since it is the very thing I'm trying to teach my girls! I'm ready to see that uncontrolled, reaction demon get dumped and hauled off in the weekly trash pick-up!

My Magnolia!!!

2010-06-04T10:16:00.004-05:00

My heart is so full. I feel rich. I was listening to a podcast on my run last night. This pastor asked this question:

Do you enjoy God?

He went on to explain that he is not asking if I love Him, serve Him, know Him. Do I enjoy Him? He likened it to a spouse. Do I enjoy my husband? I mean, you can serve him and love him and know him and trust him, but do you enjoy him?

I realized that I am in a VERY rich place in my life because I thoroughly, honestly ENJOY both God and my husband!! Is it really easy for me to answer that way because I'm not currently under fire or in a time of really tough testing? Maybe. But, I would so hope and desire to still Enjoy God in the midst of any circumstance.

Quick story about my new house. This place has me amazed. Just so amazed that God has provided this much space for us in such a beautiful neighborhood. This neighborhood is full of trees AND HILLS. Yes, this is Oklahoma and I didn't think there could be any of those here, but after running them, I can tell you that there are Hills in OK :) The heat reminds me that I'm still here, though.

Anyway, back to that quick story. I feel so personally and intimately loved by the mere fact that I have a big magnolia tree greeting me outside my study window. I LOVE Magnolias. I've always thought their silky, bulky leaves were just so unique! The flowers they bloom are big and bold. But, see, before I EVER even knew that I like Magnolia Trees, this one was planted in this place and I believe it is because God knew that there would come a day where I decided to like them and then desire one in my yard.

We have owned five homes now and over the course of that time, I often wanted to plant one. Yet, 12 years ago, someone else chose that tree to be planted in this spot where here and now I get to enjoy it!!! God knew. *big grin*

I'm here!

2010-05-30T09:00:00.004-05:00

Well, in less than a week, I am settled in our new home! The pictures are hung. No cardboard boxes to be seen. This is how I roll! With the help of my mom and a friend, the work is done.

I am SO very humbled that God put us in this house and in this neighborhood. I feel so BLESSED.

I just wanted you all to know that I'm finally here (back) and ready to get into a new summer rhythm!!!

Happy Weekend!

Identity Crisis

2010-05-14T11:35:00.003-05:00

So, with this move, I knew I'd be getting a new email address as we are switching ISP. It got me thinking of a new email address. Personally, I think my gmail address (also the address for this blog) is way too long and way too complex!) So, I was wanting something like joy@whatever.net Because Joy is my favorite word. It is what I seek most. Then, I go.... really, is that what I seek most? What about surrender? I love the word SURRENDER. I love what it means.... but then I'm stuck with surrender@blahblahblah.net sounds pretty strange. So, here I am wondering why I care so much about my identity at all. Rider Meyer Girl was good because I love horseback riding, riding bikes, riding a mountain on a snowboard... but now, I run. So, really .. switch it? I wonder if it can't be mores simplistic. simplify@email.com or that my identity is so much in HIM that it is eternal@email.com
Just things running through my head. Is it pride? I so desire to live my life as a vessel or a channel for others to see Him. This doesn't mean that everything I'm about has to have a "Bible" word with it, but I want to reflect His goodness in my life in all avenues.
When I turned 35 a few weeks ago, I chopped off all my hair, sold my minivan, ran a marathon. Now with all these labels swimming in my head, I have just been concentrating on my identity.

Bottom line.

I am His. He is with ME. He will never leave me. I LONG to please Him. I LONG to be with Him. I LONG to bring GLORY to HIM. So, with all of this said, If I have a new blog with a new address or a new email or a new look, just know that I am actually evaluating my heart and my choices to best accomplish these LONGINGs of mine!!!!

Change of Address

2010-05-11T13:29:00.002-05:00

Not the best time in the world for my husband to be gone. He's on a plane to CO for the week! Uuugh. My mom is there too! Uuugh! We move in 13 days. I have much to do and little motivation. I usually just do survival mode type stuff when life hands me this. But, when life hands me this right when I'm supposed to contact all the companies for change of service and change of address and I have zero motivation to do it.... it leaves me feeling like I need to ~~SHOUT~~ cry out to you, my friends, for prayer. This is it. Thanks in advance!

My Real Home

2010-05-04T15:29:00.003-05:00

Every time we've bought and sold a home, I have felt this way about the process:

It is not a done deal until it's a done deal. Our house has to pass an inspection. Our buyers have to come through. Future home has to pass inspection. Funding has to arrive in the right time. All of the details that make you feel like it's just not a done deal. Maybe being a realtor's daughter makes me feel this way because of seeing so many deals fall through! Yet, it's never happened to me.

Each time I sit in the place where two offers hold us through until the closing, I struggle to get on the phone and start all of the new services on an address that isn't really ours yet. I struggle to do all of the change of address work on a property that isn't in our name. Getting the boxes and starting to pack? I have to do it, but the "what if's" keep me from starting.

This has me thinking of the real home where the property is in our name. Heaven. My name is written in the Lambs book of life. And, I don't have to pack. I don't have to worry about other people doing their part, because He has done it ALL! Oh, how I long for Heaven and to be in our real home. He went.... to prepare a place for me. In His Father's house are many mansions. This is something I can get excited about without reserve!!!

But, until that time.... with a little reserve, I'll start the process of getting some boxes and packing up my home because we have a move on the horizon.

Our Home

2010-05-02T17:37:00.002-05:00

Marathon completed. check.
new job. check.
house sold. check.
offer on house. check.

Response from the offer..... that is where we are. As we sit in this place, I am not anxious. I am not concerned or worried. I know that God has it all worked out. We are praying in.every.step. I love the trusting God part of life that is fleshed out in this moment.

This is such a temporary place. I long for our real home. Until we get there, I will walk though these various stages of life. I do have much excitement about the neighborhood we've found a couple of homes in. It will be fun and interesting to go through this process this month. That's right, friends. May 24th. That's the big day.

Would you pray with me about where God has us land? The neighbors we will get to know? The unknowns of new bills. My children's hearts as they adjust to change. While I thrive on change, I know of one in particular that does not. Thank you for praying with us.

26.2

2010-04-26T09:08:00.004-05:00

Wow!!! Four hours and forty-three minutes of running!!! That's a LONG time. It was so amazing!!!! What a feeling of accomplishment! I have two favorite parts. One is crossing the finish line and completing what I trained for! The other is that I got to run 24 of those miles with my best friend! I even wonder today if I would have made it if it weren't for her. I struggled from mile 14 to 19 and she was there. She encouraged me in my mind to think of things above. It was at that point that I turned my ipod to the book of Psalms (from the bible on cd by Word of Promise!) Of course, when that didn't help... pretty much all the music suggestions friends from Facebook gave me helped a bit!!

We took it nice an slow from mile 20 to 24. It was at that point that my dear friend's calf was giving her the most grief, so I went on. I think I was so excited about the finish that I began to sprint..... at mile 24! I sprinted pretty much until 25.98 where I put my ipod away so I could soak in the feeling of the finish! I LOVED that my family was there cheering me on!

OH, and a third favorite part was that our husbands rode their bikes along the course to check in on us and cheer us on along the way! This was fun! I never knew when I'd see them and when I did see them I lit up. I'd get my smile on and ham it up for the camera. Nick took LOTS of great shots. I'm just putting a few on here, but I think there were like 80 in my FB album!

Last thing I desire to say about finishing my first marathon is that I want God to receive ALL the glory! I trained, yes.... but I trained WITH Him. I talked to Him a LOT about this race and my body and training and difficulty and made many life applications along the way. I grew in this experience in many ways and am SO glad that I DID IT!!!!!!!

First Timer...

2010-04-22T16:50:00.004-05:00

... A lot of my friends are beginning to ask me how I'm feeling about the upcoming marathon. I thought I'd just compile all my thoughts right here.

I've trained for four months and feel like my body is ready. The tapering part of the miles in these past two weeks has been a strange thing for me to process. You'd think there would be a progressive build up... but, instead, we back way off in the last two weeks. I went out for a short and easy 3 miles yesterday and 1 mile into I felt a new pain in my knee. I have noticed it today as well and this is causing some frustration and anxiety within me.

Now, without this concern for my knee, I was already feeling a bit of nervousness and anxiety simply because it's my first marathon and therefore holds unknowns. Now, with this, I wonder if I'll even be able to do it at all. I am praying that God will completely take any aches and pains away so that I can complete what I've worked so hard for. The weather looks really good and in my favor for that day. I was a bit concerned about running the last 13 miles with strong southerly winds pushing into my face (like previous years for the OKC Memorial Marathon.) Well, it is currently forecasted to be 15 mph out of the NW!!!! This is great news. I will be running into the wind FIRST.... something I really do prefer. Sunday is a high of 70 degrees and partly cloudy!!! With a 6:30 am start, I'm thinkin' it's gonna be a good day :)

I've thought over and over again what it would feel like to talk about and train for an event that I don't get to finish. It would sadden me to have to give that as my report, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I am praying, "Not my will, but yours, Lord." I have always seen such a spiritual parallel with this training. I want God to receive glory through anything I do.

For my fellow Oklahomans: you can watch it live on channel 4. Anyone can follow with the Memorial Marathon App on your iPhone (it's free!) Or, lastly, you can track here with my bib numberr: 3782

So, tomorrow I get to pick up my registration packet and then.... kick back and wait for Sunday morning to arrive!

And the winds die down....

2010-04-16T06:46:00.003-05:00

The Marathon is almost here. It is a week from Sunday. Today is Friday. I really am on the countdown to this big event that I've put so much time and energy into. I feel like this past week of my life has just been a whirlwind. Let's see:
I started a job (from home.)
I put my house on the market.
(which inevitably means doing a bunch of stuff around the house the days preceding.)
I had a day of looking at houses.
I'm tapering on my miles which almost feels like abandoning this four month monster!

And all of this life transition stuff has left little to no time for this little blog of mine. My mind spins with life application and important truths. My heart's gage is all over the place and is in constant need of evaluation or assessment. Which is why I am so thankful that I have the Holy Spirit with me always! He is like oxygen. He is always there and I am in constant NEED of Him.

This morning's gentle, still and quiet entrance of the day is such a perfect picture of His faithfulness. He is always there. HE's always been faithful. I just read: "earth's best cannot bear comparison with heaven's least." This has me still in my tracks.

The Oklahoma wind sure does blow... and blow.... and blow... and blow. This morning, it is perfectly still outside. I hear the birds of spring singing their song. It's like a freeze frame capturing heaven's least. I am somehow equating all of my life's current busyness of marathon, job, house with both the Oklahoma wind and earth's best. So, on this still quiet morning with a perspective of Heaven's least and the peace and calm that is offered in Heaven's eyes, I am refreshed. In this stillness, I start my day.

Happy Sweet 16 to a Friend!

2010-04-01T10:31:00.005-05:00

I took my dog on a walk the other day. He has not properly been trained on a leash. He doesn't know the "heel" command. He is so excited to be out and about that you see him taking off to every pull of his desires. As I walked him in the neighborhood, I kept him on a short leash. That's when I started thinking about this analogy where people say that they've "got someone on a short leash". Once we were out of the neighborhood and on the sidewalks, I let the leash extend as far as it could go. It literally put a huge grin on my face to watch him take off to give in to the impulses to mark his territory and sniff all the things to be sniffed. As we walked for a few miles, it all clicked for me.

(Birthday Girl), You have been on a leash under your parents training. They have given a tug if they see your tendencies are taking you somewhere unacceptable or even dangerous. They pull the leash in tighter to teach or give a command. At the age of sixteen, you begin a life of bigger independence and with that comes bigger responsibility. The responsibility that is most important to me is that you begin to recognize, rely upon and obey the spiritual leash that God has given to you. By His Holy Spirit, we as His children will get a tug or we will feel some slack in the rope. Begin to notice it... because when you are released from the leash of your parents and you are like a wild dog excited about his environment, there are dangerous things around that you may not recognize without that tug!

Lastly, that tug is ALWAYS out of love. I don't pull in the slack on my dog's leash because it appears he was having too much fun. I pull it in so that he doesn't get entangled or bulldozed or poisoned. God loves you and wants what is best for you. As you grow in independence and responsibility, may you live wearing your Spiritual Leash! Happy Sweet 16!!!!

Much love to you,
Rachel

Double Jock Parenting

2010-03-26T09:06:00.002-05:00

"Tag, I got 'em, you go."

This is truly what our life has looked like a lot lately. Since I've been training for this marathon, I simply HAVE to get my runs in. If for some reason I don't get them in when the girls are at school, then Nick and I discuss how my run will fit into the day around his bike ride. Particularly our weekends have this feel to it.

Before I started running (11 months ago), Nick and I had biking. Since we both did this together, we ended up just paying sitters so we could go together. That got expensive and there was a little resistance on my part when he would mention going with the guys.

Just this morning he told me that he was talking to a friend about how much more he gets to ride since I've become a runner. This is good all around!
I just finished reading an article in Runner's World Magazine about two jocks that have a great system. I swear I could have written it and that is what has triggered me to process this very post. It's beautifully balanced within this home.

I have been running more and posting less :( I love to blog and this outlet has suffered at the hand (or foot) of my running! My marathon is in one month, so hopefully my schedule will adjust back to some sort of normal posting rhythm. Until then, I'm off to hit the pavement (while the girls are in school!)

Spring Break 2010

2010-03-20T10:25:00.003-05:00

Well, seeing that a Blizzard is hitting us here in OK at the moment, I thought I'd post our bright sun-shiny pictures from Dallas a couple of days ago. I had a blessed time with my mom and my three girls visiting friends for just a few days.

Be my HELP!

2010-03-06T11:51:00.003-06:00

I think this has been the LONGEST unannounced time taken off from blogging and it was totally unintended! How has this much time passed by? Wow!
Well, I've been running, listening to podcasts galore, and struggling in motherhood.

Struggling in motherhood is something I've come to grips with. Really, I shouldn't even call it a struggle in motherhood itself. It's struggling with ME as I do the job I'm in. I'm too easily annoyed with typical kid's stuff. I'm too easily angered at watching their sinful choices. I"m too easily disappointed at their choices. So this leaves me too easily exhausted with nothing left for all the other stuff in life.

Like:
Trying to get our house on the market.
Trying to buy a car.
Trying to meal plan and prepare no matter what kind of responses I get from the kids.
Trying to clean the house, stay on top of laundry and paying bills.

Father,
As I get annoyed, angry, disappointed and exhausted will you be my HELP? Help me to rise above my circumstances! This is all I have the energy to ask for. Amen

Book Titles

2010-02-15T20:18:00.002-06:00

Sometimes all I REALLY need is a great title of a book. One that tells me what to do so that I don't have to read the whole book. This is the book that caught my eye:

The title is: "Loving Our Kids On Purpose"

For those ~~three~~ of you that have read my blog, you know that I've written about a recent experience I had with an Extreme Heart Makeover. One where I knew that God was calling me to be intentional with my kids and a relationship with them. Well, let's just say some time has past and I know once again in my heart of hearts that it's time to put my intentional hat on again and (to use the books' catchy title..,) Love my girls on purpose. I picked up a copy that my friend had and held it in my hands thinking to myself that this very book had all the answers to my problems at home. As I stood in front of the "parenting" section at my local Christian bookstore to buy a copy, I realized that I can walk away already charged and encouraged to do a great job just from the many titles I had just taken in. If I were to read a title that said: "Become a Diligent Mother," I personally wouldn't buy the copy and take the time to read it. I simply walk away and pray that God teaches me how to become a more diligent mother. Keep in mind that laziness is my weakness.

This is all to say that I walked away from that entire section of help on parenting knowing what it was specifically that God wanted me to do in this current stage as a mother. Love them on purpose. Four days later an opportunity for me to intentionally or purposefully be with them came up. I had joy in my heart and knew that growth in relationships with them was taking place. I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit can exponentially teach more than books can. [For those of you that learn much from books and their application, I applaud you. For me, reading needs to be fun and an escape! Thanks for understanding our differences! Oh, and I'm sure the book that I mentioned is wonderful and I would hope that I haven't caused anyone to NOT read it by what I have said. I'm just just a cliff-notes kind of a girl!]

Change

2010-02-05T20:56:00.002-06:00

When I was a little girl, I re-arranged furniture like crazy. I am the baby of four kiddos. I grew up where we rotated bedrooms every year. That change was so good for me. For some reason, I need and desire change. One year I would have a room to myself and another year I would share with one sister. The next year, it would be the other sister. I LOVED that change. When I was in high school, I remember re-arranging my parents furniture for them. I would mix up the living room like it was nobody's business. I loved it.... for a time. Then, it needed it again.

I will tell you that having three babies in three and a half years in three different states was a LOT of change. I really think that's why I was able to do it. When my youngest turned one and I had been in the same place for over a year, I didn't know what to do with myself. So, I re-arranged every room that I could.

Secretly, I loved that my husband wanted to "go into ministry" and we had to down-size because it gave us a "noble" reason to move and have more "change."

We had lived in that home for three years before moving...... the longest we had lived anywhere since we had been married. Now, we've lived in this smaller house for three years (in a couple of months.) I've been blogging since 2007 and I can't count how many times I've changed the "look" of my blog. Heck, I've even wanted to change my gmail address just because I run now and how does ridermeyergirl fit into that category?

This brings me to my current desire for change. I'm house hunting. Nick took a new job and I also believe our season has ended at the current school my kiddos have been attending. I don't take buying and selling a home lightly, but I would like you to join with me in the praying stages of this transition for my family. I know that God loves it when I seek Him on such things. I would love to have all the discernment I need to move forward here. So, today, I changed the look of my blog and I seek the Lord's heart on where He wants us to go next. I know from His amazing Spirit that it is time once again to move my family. I only ever want to be right where He wants me!!!!

Sometimes I Lay on my Foundation

2010-01-31T19:28:00.004-06:00

I don't know where to begin? As always, I have wonderful things to say about our God. He is so good. He is so faithful. AND, I don't know where I would be without Him and without the foundation that sometimes I fall on rather than stand on.

I just noticed that it's been a week since I posted. We returned from my half and two days later, got blasted by a storm that has kept me in very close proximity with my girls. I have noticed over the last few months that their bickering has gotten worse. I know there is sibling rivalry. And I know that the fighting that occurs daily can be normal. But, to get a report that their fighting was bad and noticeable did two things for me:
1. Validated my feelings of being so annoyed by the sounds of their constant fights.
2. Made me sad that to hear that it just might be worse than other families. (I know comparing is bad, but in this case it was good for me and here's why!)

It has opened my eyes to what my girls are picking up from their different surrounding. I am in the praying stages of what to do about this.

I desire to share about what happened a couple of nights ago. I fell over weeping and in a fetal position at the realization that as a mother, I basically wear a mask. For those of you that REALLY know me, know that I am so against ANY masks. I believe that we should keep all masks away and be who we are. I'm in a Catch 22 with my girls because I don't want them to know my struggle in order to protect them because it is not their fault that I struggle. But, I want to be real so they really know me and can feel safe with me. Thus the reason for my "mothering" mask that I wear daily. I felt so defeated that night and curled up and cried it off. In that moment of emotion, it felt so defeating. There really was nothing left to do about it, so I went to bed. When I awoke and read my Bible, I "happened" to read Psalm 30. Really? How perfect and beautiful were these verses for me?

5b " Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
9 What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

He did not leave me in that fetal position! He gave me joy in the morning! And it is so that here, (on my blog anyway), I can say praises to Him and not be SILENT!!!! He was there with me in the fetal position with all my emotion and He was there with me when I woke up and needed to obediently place the motherhood mask back on my face!

Sledding pictures to come!!!!

Half Marathon!!!!

2010-01-24T16:37:00.003-06:00

Here's how it played out:
I got sick over Christmas in Colorado, so really, training in particular for this half didn't happen. I got even sicker the week leading up to today. I think it's strep throat. Since we are between jobs/insurance, a trip to a doctor wasn't an option.
We arrive at the start line with 15 minutes to spare. Then, the winds that were blowing through Austin were blowing all the barricades down causing the Austin police department to delay the start by an HOUR. So, we stand and wait for an hour. Hunger sets it. Core gets nice and cold. Not an ideal start, but at least we finally started after they went through and re-marked all the hazardous holes in other ways. I can't really see that starting after standing for an hour is the best, but it's how we did it. Now, this particular run is just FAST. We were at the front. Big mistake when you're not a FAST runner. This means you get passed the ENTIRE time. (kind of defeating feeling)
So, I ran a nice 9 minute mile for the first 5 miles. After that I settled into a slower rhythm. At around mile 10 I had a coughing spell that I thought would worry everyone around me. But, I didn't have to stop :) The last mile was so hard and so slow for me that I wondered how in the world I could possibly do twice this distance in just 3 months! I did actually sprint across the finish line and set my PR!!! I did it in 2:06 :)
My throat started hurting shortly after and I'm just thrilled that I wasn't sick with a fever in a hotel bed in Austin, but that I got to go out and start and finish my first Half Marathon! Fun Times....
Here are some pics :)

Training

2010-01-14T10:26:00.002-06:00

I don't feel like I've ever really "trained" for anything. Sure, I've had goals or events to make it to with deadlines. But, I never recall "training." So, here I am three weeks into training for this marathon and I can't get over how many spiritual parallels can be drawn from this process.

2 Timothy 4:7 comes to mind.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

I could possibly quote that at the end of my race in April, but will I be able to quote it at the end of my life?

With a 16 week beginner's training program, I can see what I've done, what I need to do and most importantly, I can see the end!!! I've heard it said that the training is harder than the actual marathon. But, as I plug that verse into the concept of training in my life, I quickly realize why I haven't trained for anything. I'm not good at it. I can look at where I am in my life as a training schedule with motherhood. Currently I've got 9 years down and 12 1/2 to go. We all know that Motherhood doesn't "end" when the last one is out of the house, but that is the end date I'm using for my story to work here ;)

Seriously, can I just vent about how long I have to go? I thought the pre-school years were the hardest and physically they WERE. But, the constant bickering and sibling rivalry and snotty attitudes is making me wonder if I could say such things... I've fought the good fight, I've finished the race, I've kept the faith. Right now, all I see myself saying is: "I have questioned IF I can do this anymore. I have thought about walking out. I have exploded and been a bad example. And all this is taken from 2nd Opinion 2:17

Staying focused on the prize is what will get me there. I know that we are to fix our eyes on Jesus. Sometimes the look I have fixed on him is as bad as the look on my children's faces. Of course, now that I think about it, training for a marathon is NOTHING like the training I'm in as a mother. I have realized as a Mom that there is NOTHING I can do apart from Christ. I will fail every single time in every single instance with my girls if it weren't for the Spirit that lives and dwells within me. A marathon.... now that can be done physically apart from Christ's help. Oh, I've just messed up my whole spiritual analogy.

I think what's really happening here is that I had two topics to write about. The fact that I'm in a training program for a marathon and the fact that I'm in a really difficult place as a mother. Rather than deleting, I'm leaving my story out there because I feel like it accurately depicts where I am today!

GRIN

2010-01-11T11:40:00.001-06:00

I'm much better and God is good. more later

The Ugly Side

2010-01-09T16:13:00.002-06:00

We all have them. Today my ugly side is all I see. It almost feels as if my internal hard-drive within my body has wires crossed. Things aren't connecting or making much sense. Emotions. are. out. of. control.
So, it's what to do when I feel like this?

Throw the towel in? Sleep? Take a pill? Get drunk? Read a book? Cry? Those are just a few options that cross my mind! So, this time, instead of doing any of those options, I thought I'd try writing. Vulnerably. I'm really always vulnerable on here, but I also use getting control of my emotions as about my only filter. I simply haven't been able to today, so I'm here.

I don't understand why little things are the big things to me during such times. I thought I'd have more time to write about this, but really, what more is there to say? Plus, it's time for me to attend our Saturday night church service. I don't "want" to go. I know I "should/need" to go, so therefore, I'm going.

Sorry such a strange post, but there ya have it!!!!

Twenty Ten

2010-01-06T14:31:00.002-06:00

It's not going to take new resolutions to make our year look different. Nick got a new job. We knew that as the end of the year approached, so did our season with Young Life. I am sad about this. When we sold our house and downsized to a smaller one for the cause of going into ministry, I was ready for life. I was sold out. I was committed. And Young Life felt like family. When Nick first started the job, Young Life came out with a slogan that said, "You were made for this!" And he was.
We knew going into it that it was a job created for him to try. Try he did. Succeed he did. But, there simply were not enough funds to keep him on past that two year commitment. So, with all of that said... for the past few months after going to reduced pay and not knowing if there would be enough funds for him to stay with Young Life, he got a couple of other jobs. He was teaching a spin class at the Y!!! He was also working a few hours at Starbucks.
This is where the story gets to be pretty amazing.
God ordained it that a "Regular" there would notice him and end up pursuing him to come along his journey in starting a new company! I am not going to include all the details of that on here, but I will say that as I assessed my heart in the journey of trusting God with all that we have and our willingness to go where He wanted and do what He wanted, it's a beautiful and amazing thing for me to look back at how he orchestrated for these two guys to meet. I'm excited and nervous about this next year.
It will require more time away from family.... something I've NEVER liked or even handled all that well. But, I am excited to watch my husband grow in this new position!!!

Twenty Ten, 2010 or the most recent way I've seen our trendy generation call it: MMX was a year that I thought would look different.... flying automobiles at least. My different is not always the different it turns out to be! I'm wise, huh? Well, I do hope you all had a great turn of the New Year celebration. This year holds a couple big milestones for me. I will be doing my first half marathon at the end of this month and my first full in April. We'll see what other firsts I may have. While resolutions are for some of you, I pray that we all just simply grow in our relationship with God in leaps and bounds this year!

Plugged In

2009-12-29T13:14:00.003-06:00

So, We have been in Colorado since December 18th. I packed and planned and of course in the hustle and bustle of it all, I forgot my power adaptor to my laptop. In my laptop bag, I had my (this is simply ridiculous, but) ipod shuffle, ipod video nano, a few earbuds, two power charges for our iphones and of course the usb ports to keep everything synched while we were away!
The analogy is simple. None of these things will work if the source is NOT charged. There is some battery life to be squeezed out for some time. It will perform but only temporary.

As Nick and I were packing I had the thought that I didn't need to pack my bible. I could just use his. This analogy grew within my head that we all individually need to plug in to our power source. As Christ follower's, this is done in the Word. I have grown to love and appreciate and need the Word in my life. I feel like a drained battery and worth nothing if I haven't drawn from it's power!

Here I sit at my sister's house (who is as Mac crazy as me and has plenty of power adapters for me to get some juice!) Yet another picture of this Christian life is lived. We have family/the body to offer aid when needed.

I'm so energized by Christ within. I'm fueled by His love. Are you plugging in each day? Oh, how blessed we are to have the Word so readily available to us to keep us charged throughout each day!!!

The Path

2009-12-17T12:27:00.005-06:00

I went on a quick run this morning in preparation for departing for our all-too-familiar-road-trip to CO. We are actually taking the girls skiing for their first time this year! Usually, we drop them at the grandparents and hit the slopes ourselves. We are about to experience it in a whole new way....

Anyway, on my run, I began an old series that Matt Chandle,r from the Village Church did last year. It is titled: "The Path." At the end of part 1, he starts talking about how there are no guarantees that any of us will live to be 70 years old. He went on to say he was sure he would be doing someone's funeral at that church within the year. Then he stated that someone could be doing his. My point in bringing all of this up is that Matt "has it!" Do you know what I mean when I say that he "has it?" He understands God and many of His mysteries have been revealed to him through the Word of God!!! He has a malignant brain tumor that was not encapsulated. (you can read about it here!) This means that they couldn't get it all in surgery. But, see, years ago before there was any evidence of anything growing on or around his brain, he was preaching the Word of God as if any of us (including him) could have such a thing! The importance of "having it" is going to mark how we live our lives in the face of such a trial.

Please watch THIS VIDEO from him two days before the surgery where they began to discover more about this tumor! He is in the face of an ugly trial and yet he stands firm on a platform for God's goodness and His glory to be revealed.

Video from Matt

This excites me so much that I too hope that I would consider such a diagnosis an honor to display God's character to those that need to see it! Do you "have it?" The mystery can be revealed. I so get that in the face of a trial you can still call God good! I get that He doesn't change when our circumstances do. May I live like I get it!!!! As I pray for Matt to have God's peace and for his family, will you join me that God would be glorified no matter the outcome? That the circumstances of this trial do not define God! But that God's goodness is displayed for all to see!

Mistletoe

2009-12-06T12:06:00.003-06:00

So, with my mind on a possible job move and our upcoming trip to Colorado, I really didn't want to get the Christmas decorations out to put up for what I think to be too short of a time. Some single moms were walking door to door last weekend selling Mistletoe. I gave my donation and hung it in the entry way. Satisfied with my small Christmas spirit, I thought I was done decorating the house.
Well, after a facebook status discussion, I felt that I was being selfish to my girls by not making the effort. So, out they came!!! We did all but the tree. Christmas spirit dwells within my home now. In doing this, I let the girls try on their dresses from Poppi and Mimi that have patiently gone untouched all year. Here are their sweet faces after decorating together!

God is my Provider

2009-12-04T09:48:00.002-06:00

I've known since the beginning of September that Nick's job with Young Life could no longer exist after December 31st. The funds simply aren't there. So, as we've been seeking the Lord for options I have found myself back at the basic knowledge that God is my Provider. Is it easier for me to trust Him in this because we have a cushion in savings? Because we have two sets of parents that would welcome us into their home if we couldn't pay our mortgage? These have been convicting questions to me. I know that I know- that I know -that God takes care of us. But is it easier for me to look like I'm living in that confident faith because of these "back ups" in my pocket?

Obviously we are now in the month of December and nothing has actually been decided yet. I hear my heater running all day today because it's 17 degrees outside and I think of the cost of being warm. I think about my Dr. appoint that is scheduled in January that I may have to try to move to next week simply because who knows if we'll have insurance.

Trusting God can only happen when there is something to trust Him with. I am so thankful that God has put me in this boat where I float in HIS Trustworthiness. Francis Chan talked about in a podcast I heard yesterday that in Proverbs 30:7 this man says this:

"Two things I asked of You,
Do not refuse me before I die:
Keep deception and lies far from me,
Give me neither poverty nor riches;
Feed me with the food that is my portion"

Dude!!! The guy is asking to live paycheck to paycheck. He doesn't want anything extra and he doesn't want to starve. To say, Lord, only give me what I need FOR THAT DAY! The timing of hearing this verse spoken in this way was perfect. I know that God has all the details worked out. There are conversations that are happening almost daily about options for Nick within Young Life and as they happen I wait with the Patience and Peace that God has given me during this time.

It would satisfy parts of me to come on this blog and post my big announcement of our plan. But, I have nothing to report. **Except to testify of God's Provision.**
HE has always taken care of us. I watch it through my parents generous hearts. I see it in the patience and peace that He provides. I see it in the fully stocked pantry and freezer. I see it in my girls closets that are full of hand-me-down clothes. We are set and it is because we are more than sparrows! We aren't set because I have some money in savings. We aren't set because we have parents that are generous and would take us in. We ARE set because God uses whatever he needs to to see that we are taken care of. I rest in that and will continue to even after I hear of the plan for our future. One day at a time!!!

Running debrief...

2009-11-23T09:57:00.004-06:00

On my run yesterday I actually retained enough that I simply have to regurgitate some of it here.

"We care more about our comfort than our character" - Francis Chan

When using the word steadfast or endure, the definition requires the weight to hold to be steadfast or to endure in the strength. You are not enduring when it is removed. So when building endurance, you have to have the thing there that you have to endure. The discomfort. So many people want a comfortable pain-free life. Character isn't developed without struggle. So, I would want to choose the uncomfortable, painful things that make me stronger and better FOR God's glory. Grow me. Change me. Don't take it away and make it all better, because then I'm deprived of the opportunity to become who God wants me to become.

I actually prayed the strongest prayer I think I've ever prayed when listening to Francis' sermon yesterday. I'm posting it here to chronicle it. I said, "Whatever it takes!" I don't even want to type out the things I offered to God, but they were about as open handed as one could get. Then this morning, I got a little scared. Is this the last time I'll see my daughter? Are things so amazing with my husband right now, because this is the end? Regardless, my hand has no grip on anything in my life and I freely offer it all to God. As I write this, I realize He has always had the power to take and I just handed an invisible baton of control.

"Things are caught, not taught" -familiar quote requoted by Francis Chan

The best parenting advice EVER: Work on yourself first. If you are self-controlled and equipped in God's armor and filled with the Spirit and so on and so forth, your children will see and learn so much more than when you are throwing commands while suffering in your own internal battle.

For me, personally this translated into getting up in the mornings before my children. Around my house, I am blessed to have a husband that delights in doing the morning routine. This allows me to just sleep right through it all!!!! I LOVE sleep!!! But, for me, I felt like I was actually sinning by sleeping in every single morning. I was flirting with the depression that I am tempted by each day. During those morning hours I struggle with facing what my role is. Well, starting this morning, I set the alarm and obediently got out of bed to work on myself first! So far so good! I'm excited and challenged!

Wrongly Delegated

2009-11-20T10:59:00.002-06:00

I hear from my daughter's mouth, "I don't want to make you mad!" When did I give her the power of my moods? The power to hold a key to any of my emotions? She is too young. She shouldn't have to feel the weight of responsibility of my happiness. This is something that is difficult to undo.

Lord, give me wisdom in this endeavor!

Gift

2009-11-12T12:55:00.004-06:00

As I have been pounding the pavement, I've had so many podcasts going in that I don't know where to begin in everything that is coming out of me. This is transformation. I have one to two sermons every day or every other day playing in my earbuds as I've been pacing myself through the sidewalks of Edmond this Fall. It has been an overwhelming thing to take so much in. I find myself talking out loud in agreement with the pastors that ask application questions. Sometimes it is in agreement that I am so there with them living a certain way and making certain choices or sacrifices. Other times, it is sadly a discouraging confession of where I am falling short of the calling.
There is one question that is standing out to me from the dozens I've been pondering.

Am I using the gifts that God gave me?
And am I using them for His glory?

I can tell you that today God showed me a way that I can use one of my talents for His glory. A few weeks ago, my friend's two year old son died from drowning in a swimming pool. I have been praying Romans 15:13 (NLT) for every member in her family every time I think of them. I know that praying is good. But at times like these, people always want to "do" something more. The Holy Spirit very clearly told me how I can minister to the entire family. I am to make a scrapbook of his life as a gift for them. So, over these next few days, the family will be getting pictures printed and stories written for me to put in a book. I feel so honored to get to do this for this family!

With the feeling of being used by God comes fulfillment. There truly is nothing as fulfilling as living in a God-honoring way. Oh, how this has sparked a desire to find this kind of fulfillment in everything I do.

God, may I do everything as unto YOU! Help use me as I create for this family. Continue to hold this family strongly in your grip and cradle them with the Hope that is in You Alone!

18 miles

2009-11-04T17:56:00.004-06:00

When I read my "Runner's World" magazine or read a runner's blog I consider myself a beginner because I haven't run a marathon. Why is everything based on the scale of whether or not you have run a marathon? Maybe it's not. But, I perceive it that way. And because I perceive it that way, I'm shooting to run a marathon. I just read a friend's post on why she ran a marathon. Her intentions where so good. You can read about it here. It's rather inspiring. I can only wish that my reasons for training and running a marathon were in line with hers, but I'm still trying to figure out why I'm aiming thataway!!!
When I began my running journey in May of this year I didn't have any goals. I just wanted to run. Quickly, I realized I needed to see how far I could push myself. I still am trying to figure out what it is exactly that is driving me. I can tell you that each milestone brings such joy to me that maybe I'm just running for joy.
Well, to the title of this post...
My inspirational running buddy told me that before I even register for a full marathon, I needed to just run 18 miles to see if I felt okay. Well, I did that yesterday!!!! It's official that I can NOW register for the one I want to do. I watched her cross the finish line and only hoped that I could do it next year. Now, I'm shooting for that goal. So, I am going to register for the OKC Memorial Marathon for April 2010!!!!

On my 18 miler yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed that for right under 3 hours, my body could maintain such a rhythm. I listened to two podcasts and a new playlist. The Fall weather was perfect! I am excited about this running, joyous journey!!!!
I still think someone should pay me for running a marathon instead of me paying $90.00 to run 26.2 miles. What's up with that? Maybe I could take up a collection ;)

Red Letter Reading

2009-10-29T21:03:00.002-05:00

So, this morning, I picked up my husbands bible to read. (It was right by me where I landed with my coffee.) When I opened it to John I saw the beautiful red letters of Jesus' words. My Bible doesn't have His words set apart in their own color. I had this "Just give me Jesus" mentality. So, I read as much time allowed just the words of Jesus. I LOVE this and will continue to do this for some time.
But, in Bible Study today, I kept hearing Kay Arthur say these two words: Truth and Deceit. It is so important to know truth. I remembered that just this morning in reading Jesus words, numerous times He started His sentences with, "I tell you the truth!" Beautiful words to those that seek to know truth!
I'm so excited about Jesus!!!!

Fall Pictures

2009-10-27T16:33:00.003-05:00

If I kept a camera in my car during all of Fall's beauty, I would be in trouble!!! Here are three I particularly like :)

My Fall

2009-10-27T14:16:00.004-05:00

I've heard it once asked, "Which kind of pain is harder? Physical or Emotional?" Thinking about this, I am inclined to say that the pain you are IN is the hardest. I've also had discussions with many mothers. Mothers in many different stages.
Mothers of:
Infants
Toddlers
Elementary Age
Pre-teens
Teens
College Age
and finally, Grown adults.

Many of those same mothers say that the season you are in is the hardest. Do you ever find yourself literally in a season of the year and just longing to be in a different season? Like it's 100 degrees outside and you long for a blizzard that demands for you to seek comfort by a fire curled up in a blanket with hot cocoa? Or your in Spring suffering with allergies and you simply want out? Anything, but that pollen... or whatever?

Well, I was mountain biking with Nick today and I can't even begin to describe the contentment of this season I'm in. Not only Fall. But, this season of parenting. My girls still want me to sit by them when they watch a movie. But, they don't need me to bathe and dress them. They color imaginative pictures and hold them up to my eyes with pride and they don't need me to teach them how to even hold a crayon or draw a circle anymore. I had paused when I was typing the different stages of motherhood when I got to "Elementary Age." I simply wanted to say the "honeymoon" stage. I love where I am with my girls right now. I love the Fall and how it beckons me to drive slowly to admire what God miraculously does with the trees that I've been surrounded by for months. I passed three trees in a row... Yellow, DARK green, and RED. Just weeks ago, I ran past those very trees not knowing the surprise they had for me bursting with contrast to one another.

My life is in no way perfect. But, honeymoons really aren't perfect either. I struggle watching them wrestle with their own sin natures. I'm too quick to react to them some days. My fuse still runs too short. But, this season is a season I am content in.

God, I know this is because of where you have me in my walk with you. You are filling me so much with Yourself that I am able to appreciate what is around me. Walking with you is what makes me excited about the next season. For now, I'll rest in today's beauty! Thank you!!!!

So Much To Say

2009-10-23T22:42:00.002-05:00

I really feel like once again I have too much to put on here. Either I need to quit blogging altogether or start posting daily. I just have too much to unload at the moment that I've decided to simply post a picture where I think Nick and I look adorable and incredibly happy. And I might add that we are! Thanks be to God!!!!

Fancy Stones

2009-10-13T17:17:00.003-05:00

One of the routes where I run, I pass a cemetery. Each time I pass by it (running), I think the thought: "No Fancy Stones for my Bones." I actually have no idea, thankfully, how much tombstones even cost. But, when I see the highest, fanciest one in the graveyard, I actually think the thought that they might not have been saved. I sure don't want people taking out loans to give my bones something fancy for the dirt that covers only my old shell. I mean, I run by this cemetery and feel a hope that wells up within me causing me to PRAISE our God for saving me and giving me an eternal perspective on this life that we are all living. The things that maybe send me out on my run in frustration or depression seem to disappear when I look fully in HIS face because of the reminder of what this life is all about.
I once heard when I was like in Jr. High that the little dash between the year of our birth and the year of our death represents our short life. The sermon or speech or whatever it was concluded with the big statement: "How you choose to live your life is represented in that small dash." Or something like that. It is a great perspective in light of eternity, we are but a dash. I am just so thrilled to be at a place where I now run. I run past a cemetery listening to podcasts hopeful that transformation is taking place to make my dash just ultimately point to Christ. It should ALWAYS be about HIM!!!! He is so GOOD!
This is a picture taken of a cemetery I saw on my bike route this summer in NC. I think it accurately shows the perspective I am talking about :)

New Again

2009-10-12T12:40:00.001-05:00

Thanks for sharing this with me, Jerry!

Nike +ipod

2009-10-10T14:18:00.002-05:00

So, I have finally found a system that works for me with running. The little pod is permanently in my shoe. All I do is plug something into my nano and go. I always know how far I've gone and how long it's taken which also calculates and tells me my pace!!! I'm a happy runner!!! :)

Struggle

2009-10-08T09:02:00.003-05:00

All too often when I think of hardship, trial, suffering, adversity, affliction, etc....; I think of the BIG things. Cancer. Death. Accidents. Fire. Loss. Typically, I do NOT think of the day in-day out struggle that is described as a thorn in the flesh. That constant rub. Irritation.
But as I've been discussing with some friends and looking at scripture it seems that the BIG things are almost easier to handle (when on a strong foundations of Christ) than the gnawing little things of life. Galatians 6:9 is written for such struggles: "9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
The "911 emergency" mentality of sending in the troops for help when a major, disastrous thing occurs in life brought relief for me to hypothetically live out. Whose twisted way of thinking is this? Mine. By being "in need" because of something big, the daily grind gets relief.

Father, I do not want to cop out with my daily grind. I don't want to be a coward at enduring my hard "little" things. I want to courageously confront them over and over again. Give me the humility, gentleness and self-control needed to maintain these day in-day out mundane irritations with integrity and character. May you get some glory from these efforts!!!

For Heather and Stacey

2009-09-28T13:12:00.002-05:00

Dear Mean Lady in my Neighborhood,

What a beautiful day it was today. I am so excited that after years of praying for something specific to help me bond with one of my daughters, the perfect answer has come. We decided to start running together. I have never seen her face ignite with such enthusiasm as I did on our run today.

Did you see her face when you passed by? Or were you too busy being concerned about how much of our neighborhood street the two of us were taking up? Multiple times on our run together, I spotted potentially dangerous areas where the sidewalk was necessary and chose that option for the two of us. However, when you approached, I saw that there were no parked cars on the road to make it too tight to go on and pass us by. I saw that we were on a straight portion of road. And I ALSO saw that as your car came dangerously close to our bodies, you didn't budge!

Thanks for honking because that was really polite.... just in case I didn't notice that you didn't like that we were running on the street two wide. My daughter thought you honked because we might have known each other. You can imagine how hard I had to bite my tongue on my response to that innocent observation.

In the future, if it's clear enough to give up your space on the road for a mother and daughter to enjoy spending some quality time outside together, THEN GIVE THEM SPACE. And you can even honk IF you are going to smile and wave!

With a little bit of weight lifted,
Rachel <><

Blog Post Titles

2009-09-27T11:50:00.002-05:00

Blogs I've started in my head that haven't made it here:

Dear Spider

Not one particular Idol...

Dear Mean lady in my neighborhood

Verbal Abuse

In Christ

The Grass isn't as green...

Maybe by actually putting these here, I'll refer to them when I finally get a chance to write again. :)
Hope all is well.

Work Out

2009-09-20T11:26:00.003-05:00

After my duel with the bike last weekend it seems that I'm just in a dueling mode. I found an old Garmin Forerunner on Craigslist to try to run with. My desire in having a Forerunner type product is simple: I want to look at my watch and know how far I've gone. I don't need much else. The frustrations of this endeavor are stacking way too high for me to re-tell. My duel with the actual running is that I haven't been doing it much. Here I was on a wonderful pattern or routine and it was all broken up with me stupid bike episode from my last post. So, I'm trying once again to get back into a great routine. I keep thinking that things will get much better in me if I do.

See, I'm having that inner junk that rises within so often. Kind of too complex to put into words. It's right here in this assessment that I almost always "Work Out" the problem. Isn't almost ALWAYS a Heart Issue? Today, I will go on a run and call it a "work out", but really I am going to work out what is going on within my heart!!!!

Enchanted Circle

2009-09-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

Usually, I come back from trips and tell about how wonderful they were on here. Well, Nick calls it "The Perfect Storm for my Bad Ride!!!"
Where to begin? I'll start with sharing the album of our whole trip here!!!!

So, if you looked at the pictures, you'll see the smiles on my girls faces!!! It was a wonderful memory maker for them. Papa and Grammy drove down from the Springs to meet us and we had a great reunion together. If we had met to do just that, then the trip would have been fine. BUT~

.....I wanted to ride 100 miles from Red River to Taos to Angel Fire, and back to Red River...... yeah, in the mountains at altitude without training! So, we load up the family in the car. We make it halfway before realizing that we can't make it there that night. We get a hotel (a fun memory for the kids!!!!) and a whopping price tag for us. We hit the road again. The 4 1/2 hours in the car the day before wasn't the best thing for the sciatic pain I was having in my back/leg. So the 4 1/2 this next day certainly didn't help it either. We have s'mores that night and that made for a good day :) (another fun memory for the kids!)

Nick and I hit it early in the morning..... I could have told you from the first 5 miles that were downhill that was proving to be challenging for me that I wouldn't be riding a century that day, but no.... I had to keep going. Finally around mile 40, my muscles cramped up tight enough to communicate to my brain that this ride wasn't going to happen. It was at that time that we found out that most people who do this ride usually come with their own SAG (support and Gear....aka a car to get into when you cramp up or bonk.) So, some kind guy takes us up to the next rest stop where we wait and wait and wait for some mythical SAG wagon to show up. It never does. So, same nice guy takes us to Angel Fire where Nick's parents help us out. The next four hours are too painful to re-live so, I'll just say that after the hail storm that even cars couldn't get over the pass in, only half of the riders crossed the finish line that day.

Guess what? I got to get in the car the next day with that same sciatic pain and grin and bear it for 9 hours until we made it home scratching our heads about the trip in general. I actually sent my kids to school wearing dirty clothes and having tangles in their hair and in dire need of a bath this morning. :( Bad parent? Nope, just one that needed to re-group a bit. So, if you see me wearing and "Enchanted Circle Century" t-shirt, just know that there is a story there that I will never re-tell.

A Bad Mix

2009-09-09T16:23:00.003-05:00

There are just some days where events keep colliding, causing an explosion. Here I sit with the aftermath of such an exploded day. It began last night. I had a procedure that was to free me from pain every month. I am not freed. Last night, the unwelcomed pain began. My morning commitments of volunteering for my daughter's Kindergarten class and my daughter's 1st grade class came. Dedicated, I showed up. With cramps, I did the tedious work all the way until 11:45. Then, I hurried home to take food to a friend recovering from surgery. I hustled back up to the school where my new commitment of media center volunteer began. The training was quick and painless and I jumped right in helping children with their choices!
The bad mix began when I picked up the girls from their classes and walked outside. It is September. You'd think it would be nice to walk outside in September.... Well, I forget that OK is ridiculous! It was a heat index of a blazin' 98 degrees!!!! Uuugh.

Air conditioner blaring and headed to run a quick errand, my children fall apart, each in their own way :(
I find that I have nothing left after a wonderful day of serving. Don't get me wrong..... I actually ENJOYED what I did today (ALL day) at the school. I LOVED the brief, but golden conversation that I had with everyone there. I was just spent and truly felt empty of anything to give to my girls or to respond in a decent way. I grit my teeth and tried to just make it home.

So, at home, my loving, amazing, wonderful and patient husband begins tackling the attitudes while I sit in my room and cry. The tears fall from frustration of feeling like I'm getting no where with the girls. ARe they seriously not learning these lessons that I've been teaching for all these years? When they say that, "Mom is being mean!" I truly want to BE MEAN just to show them what MEAN is. They don't even know how much discipline I am showing by what I am withholding.

So, in reflection, I have decided that some things just don't mix. Today I found one combination I don't prefer. Onto better mixes for other days!!!!

Great Season, Bad Day

2009-09-01T15:35:00.003-05:00

So, I didn't stretch in a sprint across a finish line and break the finisher tape. Because if I did, I wouldn't still be struggling. I do love and appreciate this new season of parenting I'm in, but when these bad days come, I can't be shocked. (especially when they didn't have school yesterday and today!)

I wanted to update on this new season. Along with the kiddos being back in school, I am back in Fall Bible Study. I am doing a Precept Study of Ephesians. Right before starting the homework, I had a prayer. I want to WANT to study His Word MORE. I want to want it for the right reasons. I want a new passion that is really just within. I'm not begging for a mountain top experience, just a simple kindling within me to study with the purpose of KNOWING our God more and glorifying HIM.

Well, I believe He has already answered. On my runs, I no longer have to have loud up-itty music blaring to get me through the routine of it anymore. I have started using some of the time to listen to podcasts. Sermons. The WORD going in more continually. I am thrilled at being fed in more than one area in my walk with Jesus. I kind of feel at times that I'm taking too much in.

Soooooo......I might start changing some of my posts to be more about what I'm learning so that I work on retention and application.

Plus, all of this will help me through those bad days :)

What do you do?

2009-08-28T10:52:00.002-05:00

This is the question everybody is asking me now that my girls are in school all day. It's not bon bons and soap operas, but cottage cheese with peaches and the Today show featuring Moms in different stages of life! At least in this very moment. This moment of munching on my healthy snack after a run with the tv on in the background has me thinking about how blessed I am to finally have this kind of time on my hands!

So far I've:
*done two 10 mile runs
*done one 50 mile bike ride
*dated my husband for a day
*meal planned & grocery shopped
*finished my novel (American Wife- which was really a great read!)
*hung out with some sweet, special friends!

While all of that stuff is absolutely wonderful, I want to share what God has been doing in my heart in the quieter moments. For those of you that have walked along with me in much of my struggle as a mother can really appreciate the sweetness of this victory. It was the first day of school when God had it rain ALL day. This kept me from going out on a long run or a bike ride. Rather, I spent more time with the Lord that day. I stumbled upon a great little devotion thing written in my Sanctuary Bible. I am going to type it out because I believe it is just that good.
"Custom-Fit Armor
A battle is raging- a battle that we can't see. The concept of spiritual warfare is difficult enough for me to comprehend, much less teach my children. They need to understand, however, that there are powers beyond our senses, beyond what we can see and hear. The battles we wage in our lives are part of a huge cosmic battle that has been going on since Satan's fall. The battle will not end until he is destroyed.
In the meantime, God promises that if we wear his armor, we can stand firm. As we pray God's promises for our children, we need to pray for strength in the unseen spiritual battles.
In prayer, put on the belt of truth, praying that she will be a truthful person who not only believes the truth but also lives it. Then prayerfully add the body armor of God's righteousness, protecting her heart and giving her the ability to stand up to Satan's attacks because the righteousness is not her own, but God's. Next, "for shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News: (Ephesians 6:15). When you put on these shoes, your child is ready for any battle because ...she [knows] that she is already on the winning side.
Give her the shield of faith. Satan will shoot his fiery arrows of temptation, doubt, fear, despair, accusation, or problems, and only strong faith can deflect these arrows. Help her to put on the helmet of salvation, protecting her mind from the doubts that can so easily creep in and undermine her faith. Doubt can deal death blows to those not protected by the assurance of salvation, so this helmet will protect her.
Finally, pray that she will have the sword of the Spirit- the Word of God. This is her only offensive weapon. When she knows God's Word, she is prepared to answer Satan's attacks as well as other people's doubts and questions. Pray that she will learn God's Word and apply it correctly to her life."
-Linda K. Taylor

See, I was able on the very first day away from my girls to realize that I get to use this time while they are "out there" (essentially in the world) to pray for them. When they were right there beside me ALL THE TIME, I didn't necessarily want to pray for them. Now, that they are away, I see that my behind the scenes role for them is to pray for them. I thought it was so precious of God to show me that the first day and to gently teach and lead me into this new position!

This in turn has given me a new tenderness towards them. Nick is out of town so I've been doing the routine alone the past two days. This very morning, I felt God Himself gently loving them through me as I walked in their rooms to wake them up. It began with a quiet singing voice that I put on for them. It sounded like this:
♫ ♫ ♫ "So, rise and shine and give God the glory glory, rise and shine and give God the glory, glory! Rise. And. Shine. And. Give God the glory, glory, children of the Lord. ...... Good Morning, good morning, it's time to rise and shine!!! This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made. I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it, and be glad in it. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day, This is the day that the Lord Has Made!"♫ ♫ ♫
All the while, caressing them and awakening them. I just thought this was such a gift as I can't recall too many times I've felt that endearing, mothering feeling that I think most Moms feel. Thank you, Lord for making this day for me to be glad in :)

Spiders

2009-08-24T18:50:00.002-05:00

I finally took a picture of this spider that has been in our backyard this past month. Actually, I think there have been a few of them as Nick has reported killing one already. Anyway, I googled pictures of spiders until I found one that looked like the picture I took. They are called Black and Yellow Garden Spiders (or writing spiders because of how they spin their webs.) After reading about them, I discovered that they are harmless. They aren't poisonous even though I feared they were. I am realizing that we do a lot of judging by how things appear.

I wonder how many things appear harmless but are really killers. Or how many things are killers but appear to be harmless? I know that I am all too often guilty of misjudging things. And I was reminded of this all because of a scary looking innocent spider in my backyard!

10 YEARS!!!!

2009-08-21T08:34:00.003-05:00

Happy Anniversary to us!!! Today!!!! I am thrilled to be celebrating this day! God is so good and one way that I have seen that is through this marriage that is centered around HIM! Thank you God for being the Constant in our Marriage! Thank you for bringing us ten years down this road.

Elementary Empty Nest

2009-08-18T10:24:00.003-05:00

It is here. I am filled with peaceful excitement. The drop off was a bit crazy due to the rain and all the parked cars from parents in the building taking pictures. But, my girls couldn't get to their classrooms fast enough!!! They were so excited! And I am too!

Hummingbirds Swarming

2009-08-17T11:52:00.002-05:00

They are everywhere. What an answer to prayer!!! It began last night. I went out to move the feeder so I'd see them better and one came to me and drank from the very feeder in my hand. I knew this was God. I smiled a joyous smile. Today, the little friends have been out there ALL day. They are usually there only two different times a day. I believe this is God's way of displaying to me that He is here in my midst.

Today I read:

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."
Ephesians 3:16-18

I am empowered. I "feel" empowered. I am loved! I "feel" loved!" I trust HIM!!! How quickly God translated Knowing Truth to Feeling Truth (an answer to my sister's prayer for me!)

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My Hummingbird, My Joy

2009-08-16T11:31:00.005-05:00

I have been fighting back tears for awhile. They are so readily there because I am sensing an unhappiness within me. Flirting with the borders of depression. I don't understand this though. I was on my bike a couple of days ago and Dave Crowder was worshipping in my ear buds. I had the strongest realization that the POWER of the LIVING GOD is within me. This is why I don't understand that I can feel this way. If I can intellectually balance the truth that He is more powerful and He holds the Victory, then why must I "feel" the emotions of defeat and sadness?

I try to simply will it away, but my first thought that I had as I woke up this morning, was that I am not happy. I'm exhausted in the battle for my children's hearts. They are crooked and mine is too. In my exhaustion, I want to run. In fact, today I have. I left my house to come to a quiet place. To reflect. To cry. To pray. To write. To think. Here I am not wanting to return because of the hopelessness I "feel." I keep writing "feel" with the quotations because I know that is a big part of the problem. I KNOW TRUTH. I KNOW the verses. They collide at me in my brain and that's where the rub is wrong. I'm standing on Truth but "feeling" so helpless.

I've just spent some time reading some friends blogs and I am struggling with the fact that most of them are beginning their school year in this incredible obedience to God's call for them to homeschool. And here I am "just a-passin' the time" until my girls school year begins. Since we've returned from our travels, I have admittedly been waiting and counting down the days. This says to me that I am waiting for one big band-aid. I keep thinking that things will get much better when they are all gone for a full day of school. So, in these next two days before they go off, I am deciding to look at this right in its face! Here I am, tears and all facing whatever this is. I am begging for God to deal with me in this place of my heart that is messed up.

One last little thought/story: I LOVE hummingbirds (as I've shared on here before.) When one comes to my feeder in my back yard, my heart "feels" happiness. Last night, the happiness I felt from my little visitors was much needed. Over these next two days, I anticipate on overwhelming feeling of happiness delivered straight from God to me because I am believing, I am seeking, asking, desiring, crying out for joy!

God, hear my heart's cry of sadness. Take, take, take it all away! I want you. I crave the JOY you bring. Deal with me. I want the places of my heart to be dealt with that are wrong.

Responses

2009-08-10T15:39:00.003-05:00

The reports are constant:

"Mommy, my arm hurts."
"I can't get to sleep"
"My eye is burning"
"Mommy, watch what I can do" (this is a big one..... especially at the pool!)
"Look at my boo boo"

They continually come at me each day. My Mom is probably laughing right now because I was that very child. "Mommy, watch me draw this. Mommy, look at my bug bite. It itches. Will you scratch is for me?" Admittedly, I was the worst. But, you aren't capable of seeing that then. You don't even know it when you're doing it. Better yet, you don't know how much it drives your mom crazy.

I'm scared that my fake and patented responses will be seen for what they are..... annoyed settlements. My "uh-huh" and my "I'm sorry" are simply not genuine. I feel almost robotic now when I hear the tone and the approach of "Mommy... (enter your own report.)"

I guess this realization that they will one day be in my position of "uh-huhing" their own offspring makes it feel better in some way. It helps to understand that my dislike for both how I respond and how they continually come, stem from my dislike of sin. There reports are driven by selfishness. That is the part that I am repulsed by and that is the part that I see myself struggling with.

There's actually so much more that I could say about my struggle with watching them sin all day long. It feels so defeating as a parent to watch them repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I'm not God. I simply can't parent as He does. He is so patient. For now, I'll just keep on keeping on!

Audience

2009-08-07T12:56:00.002-05:00

I hate it when I actually stop to think about who might be reading this little blog of mine. It really is intended to:
1. Glorify God
2. Promote Growth in the midst of what I'm in
3. An aid to help me process stuff
4. Allow for friends from afar to stay "in the know" with me
5. Document the good, bad and ugly

So, really it shouldn't matter to me who reads or anything. What brought this up was the fact that I wanted to share a video from youtube on here. I laughed at it. I desired to share it. Then, I wondered what different individuals would think. Funny how I can write extremely openly on my heart issues and not wonder what people will think, but when sharing content that others might not think as funny or whatever had me questioning.

I'm going to attach the video just because of principle alone that I am not concerned about what others think or even who my audience is. I also will continue to write about the things God is using to glorify Himself, grow me and keep my friends involved in some part of my life :)

Blog-worthy

2009-08-01T20:10:00.005-05:00

I don't have anything blog-worthy to post. I have returned from all of my summer travels. The normal stuff of returning to my reality is here and in my face. I've cleaned, I've grocery shopped. I began recalling my post about my need for an extreme heart makeover where I truly desired to initiate with my girls. To be intentional. I have slacked off of that with all of our traveling and I have now found myself counting down the days for school to start. Once again my heart is starting to feel selfish. I can feel the tendencies to make choices that will ultimately satisfy ME. I am disgusted at this. I wish that I could simply wish it away. I try to pray it away.

I was just disrupted by my tantruming, disobedient, disrespectful youngest. Can you tell I'm in the middle of a bad one? I am. Here I sit writing about my heart being in the wrong place and I lean over her trying to explain to her that her issue is a heart issue. Then I feel hypocritical and like I'm in no place to effectively teach her anything about her behavior and responses. Oh, how thankful I am that the Lord is in my midst and will help me with both of our hearts!!! Until then, I must say that it is only 17 days until school starts ;)

"Train up a child...

2009-07-26T15:27:00.003-05:00

....in the way he should go, and he shall not depart from it."

It's a great verse and I understand the truth in it. But, I am so tired of the now and not seeing the results. I feel so defeated in the immediate. This verse truly talks about beginning to end. Infancy to Adulthood. Seeing that we are in the elementary stages, I am not seeing the stick-to-it-ness that I want to see that my children have learned. How many more times do I have to prompt them on their responses?

I am sure this defeat is heightened since we have just left family camp. A place where their little self-side was satisfied. We are reigning back in on the answer "no" and it is rubbing them wrong. I am tired from camp. It wasn't a kick back and relax on a vacation type setting. Please hear that I am NOT complaining. It was undoubtedly the best week of our lives (as far as family unity is concerned.)

That transition to normalcy is tricky. I loved watching these kids have fun and play together! But, in the van on the way back down to the Springs to stay for a few days, I could hear the sin natures loud and clear and it makes me cringe. My cringing is the best attempt that I have at self-control. I'd rather sit there with my teeth gritting together than explode or roll my eyes. But, I have the power of the Holy Spirit living within me. Can't I do better than cringe?

I have a strong desire within me to give up as well. Now, this feels balanced by my husband who is continually encouraging me to not give up. That helps having that support. But, this is where I am and these are my prayers as we are transitioning ♫ back to life and back to reality ♫

God, I can do NOTHING without YOU! Thank you for offering and supplying Your help! I need it as I am not seeing Victory within the battle of raising children up in Your Ways. Thank you for the opportunity to go to camp and make wonderful memories. Help me as we drive back home and jump back into where You have us.

Colorado

2009-07-21T23:34:00.003-05:00

We are in Colorado for Family Camp. I can't even do words yet...... so, I"m packing this post out with some great pictures!!!!

Hot Doggett 100

2009-07-15T09:24:00.005-05:00

I DID it!!!!!! My first century!!! And this particular one was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. We pedalled for 8 hours and 14 minutes.... with stops we were one the course for 9 1/2 hours total. It was a long, grueling day! There were times where I felt like hours passed and not many miles because I was averaging like 5 mph. The climbs were tough. The downhills ROCKED. I maxed 43.8 mph (I think.) We climbed 9,600 feet total elevation. I'm pretty sure I already posted a link to this ride. Here's a decent map!!

Pack the Pacifiers

2009-07-09T10:45:00.002-05:00

I had a dream last night that a free spot opened up on a trip to a desirable destination. I had only minutes to decide if I wanted to go. Upon deciding, I found out I didn't have much time to pack much of anything as the flight was soon approaching. Then, at the very last minute, it was strongly suggested that I take my youngest daughter, Kenna, along with me. All this for free. All I had to do was say yes!

So I did. I learned a few things about myself in this dream. All the pre-traveling jitters that come as a package deal when I take a trip are really quite unnecessary. There really is nothing I can't live without. I was so freed on this trip to have my baby and a growing relationship with her as my luggage. We had the clothes on our back. Plus, we happened to have enough time to grab literally a change of clothes and something to sleep in.

See, I go on trips and I think of all the "things" I need to buy and pack so that the kiddos stay content. So that we have luxury where our destination finds us. Making sure to include the dvd's and the ipods. REALLY. These "things" are more grown up "pacifiers." When traveling with an infant, it is crucial to have a binkie, blankie, bottle or whatever it is that pacifies the discontentment of a baby. But, my true heart's desire from this dream is that I may only be pacified by Christ. Contentment in Him and His Provision. And this "carpe diem" mentality with life. Saying yes to adventure without preparation.

If offered the same thing, would you go?

Windy Gap

2009-07-06T14:03:00.002-05:00

I am in kick-back-mode for the week. No kiddos. The last two Harry Potter books. Meals prepared and served. What more can I say?

It is strange to just be an observer this week at camp. This time last year I remember posting about being on our first assignment and beggin' for prayer. Now, I am watching it all going on and remember how hard it can be. I'm meeting the families that are all in their third week of "bonding" and just remembering. I have even seen a couple people that were with us at SharpTop Cove last year.

I have the big bike ride lingering in the back of my mind. I know it's Saturday and I want to do it well. But, I also want to eat all these amazing desserts and sit around camp and be lazy. Right now, we're contemplating getting out of here to go for a ride this afternoon. Maybe if I get myself off of this computer and make Nick close his book, we'll go..... we'll see!!!!

Wahoo!!!

2009-07-03T20:52:00.002-05:00

I love trips! Nick and I are in Nashville. I'm about to meet up with a bloggy friend :) We are headed to Windy Gap (a Young Life camp outside of Asheville, NC.) We get to be adult guests hosts for a week of camp. Then, we are finally doing our 100 mile bike ride in the Blue Ridge Mountains!!!!

Funny story of why I'm even here blogging right now. We pulled up to a Starbucks outside of a hotel where I ran in to get our addictions satisfied. I came out and the van wouldn't start. The Hotel people graciously helped us out by giving us a jump start. As I saw the cables that transferred the juice needed to properly get out engine started, I thought about the body of Christ. It is essential to have jumper cables ready in our brother and sisters in Christ lives. Those jumper cables can come in the form of prayer. They can be a hug. They can look so different for each individual need. You don't lose anything by giving someone a jump start. People are usually always willing to do it. There is no hidden fee or agenda. A good ole' jump start gets you going so you can go on and fix your problem.

May I be so sensitive to see how my friends and family could use any of my battery life to jump start them. As I go into this week of watching high schoolers have the best week of their lives at camp and hearing about Christ possibly for the first time, may I be sensitive to the Holy Spirit!!!!

Voice Memo

2009-06-29T17:15:00.003-05:00

So, I just did the software update on my old iPhone which put a new feature on it called, "Voice Memo." This has become a new game-like application for my youngest daughter. She will walk away alone with the phone in her hand and press record. She always starts with an introduction of herself and then her performance..... singing, pledge of allegiance, etc... They have been so fun to listen to! I should see if there is a way to upload one on here just so you can hear how precious she is.

Well, this morning, she had record on a bit longer than usual. Let's just say that she captured what life sounds like around here. I sat in my room alone listening to my recorded voice pouring out of this device and wanted to cry. It's not like I was yelling or angry or anything. It's that the teaching tone that I have with my children did not sound like one of adoration or patience or lovingkindness. The conviction engulfed me. I quickly hit delete and still sat and pondered this revelation that my voice is not a pleasing one when teaching my children. Because I know myself so well, I could hear the 8 years of bottled-up frustration, the tired of fighting the sin nature within them, the surviving as best as I can TONE! I so badly wanted to hear a tone of a mother in control and filled with the fruits of the Spirit.

I wonder, I just try to wonder, what God's voice sounds like??!! The way that I imagine it, is the way that I want mine to sound (female version) when speaking to my children. I can't even pretend to hear a tone from Him that is exhausted, frustrated, spent or even bothered. This is what I heard in my tone in dealing with the sibling rivalry here this morning.

God, you know how much I desire to teach my girls about You and Your Perfect Love. I not only want to do that in word, but also in action. In my leading them, I want them to know YOU! Give me the ability to speak to them the way I know you would sound if I audibly heard You! Thank you for revealing Yourself to me in a way that I can imagine Your calming voice that would welcome instruction! I love You and am thankful for the silly little updated application on my phone that You used to teach me something about myself today. Help me with this never-ending endeavor!

Entitlement

2009-06-24T10:28:00.003-05:00

Entitlement can be a dangerous word when used alongside a relationship with God. I am shocked at the selfish nature that drives us to believe we are "entitled" to anything. We are deserving of DEATH. Ultimate spiritual death. Separation from God. And yet, we have a Savior Whom has rescued us from such a penalty.

I wonder how we can train ourselves to keep the perspective that we are not entitled to anything from God at the forefront of our mind. I watch people "follow the rules" and basically get screwed. It sucks. Yes. But, we aren't entitled to blessing if we but follow the rules. If we seek God and obey Him and trust Him, it does not mean that we are exempt from certain tragedies. It does not give us immunity. We are not entitled to have things a certain way in our life.

I recently heard Francis Chan quoting J Vernon McGee.
"This is God's Universe. God does things His way. You may have a better way, but You don't have a universe." Right around minute 20 and 21, you'll hear what he's talking about!

So, who are we to think that we should know or want things to be a certain way? It's like us taking matters into our own hands and trying to control things. See, God has a plan. We need to trust that plan ALWAYS. Good. Bad. Hard. Easy.

Lord, I am entitled to nothing. I simply inherit everything You give. You provide for me. This includes you providing the winds that blow struggles into my life that are to strengthen me, prepare me or whatever. You provide food for my family. You have revealed Yourself to me because that was a part of your Providential Plan. I trust you. I trust that you alone are good and you love me. Even when I get a "life's not fair" mentality or that I think I am entitled to something, allow your Holy Spirit to gently remind me these things!!!!